WHERE ARE YOU CHARLIE?

BEFORE VII

"Blend in, that's all you have to do..." Charlie instructed me as he parked his rusty truck in front of the local mall, at the end of my last summer as a middle-schooler. "So we're going to get you new clothes that will enable you to do just that..."

I'd never gone clothes-shopping before so I wasn't sure what to expect, and my eyes grew wide when I saw that there were in fact three entire floors full of shops.

"Welcome to Hell..." He groaned just as the thought crossed my mind that I'd just stepped into Heaven as I studied the expensive-looking clothes on display in the first shop we entered.

Banana Republic was the name of the shop.

Unsure of what Charlie wanted me to do, I turned to him and waited for his instructions.

"We need you to have enough clothes to last the whole year, so we're looking for warm clothes, as well as summer ones." He started. "You'll also need a couple of bathing suits, underwear, and one or two sets of clothes you'll wear at parties..."

Parties?!

I'd never been allowed to go anywhere on my own so parties were like a totally foreign concept to me.

He started piling clothes up in his arms and once he could no longer take anymore, he led me to the changing rooms.

The shop assistant who'd been following us around the shop tried to flirt with Charlie while I tried the first items behind the thick curtain.

Four hours and more than ten shops later, Charlie was satisfied. I, on the other hand, was exhausted. Most items he'd picked, fitted me perfectly so the only thing I had to decide was whether I liked them or not.

Well, easier said than done when you've never been given the choice, especially with Charlie's piercing eyes on me.

At first, all I was thinking was, what if I choose something he doesn't approve of? I thrived on pleasing my big brother, on making him proud of me and there was nothing I dreaded more than to disappoint him.

I couldn't imagine what I'd do if he one day decided to leave our town. Jim would probably sell me or something.

I shuddered at the thought but a hand on my shoulder reminded me of where I was.

Eating the biggest slice of pizza ever at the mall with Charlie.

On top of all the clothes and shoes, he insisted on buying me a new backpack, a few reading books and a music player – for when he brought girls home.

Ugh, I know, no comment.

It felt so strange to suddenly have so much.

Until then, all I'd ever worn were basic Walmart jeans with old tee-shirts. Now, I had more than six different pairs of trousers, two skirts, three dresses, and more tops than our small cupboard could contain.

I also had Chucks, two pairs of flats, boots and brand new Nike sneakers.

What was going on?

Sure, I'd finally be in High School, and our local High school was pretty big since all the kids from all the smaller towns around went there, but it still didn't explain why Jim had decided to spend so much money on me when he barely acknowledged me?

"Nobody must know what our life is like, Zoe..." He said once we'd loaded all the bags in the trunk. "You don't have to lie to people, just don't talk about it..." He added and I understood why my blending in was so important. "You can go to parties, I'll drive you to and from them, but no more than three beers and absolutely no drugs, do you hear me?!" His sudden anger startled me. "And only bottled or canned beer that you open yourself." He said sternly.

I'm only fourteen, Charlie, I thought. Why would I even want to drink?

I mean, I'd seen Charlie drink for years so I knew many people actually drank alcohol before being legal, but still, it was not something I was willing to try just now.

I nodded anyway just to let him know I'd got the message.

"You're allowed to make out with boys but keep it first base unless I say differently..."

I chuckled embarrassedly at that one.

No boy had ever shown the slightest interest in me throughout middle-school so I didn't see why it would change now. Don't get me wrong I hung out with a few of them at lunch or at recess but that was as far as it went, and it seemed that they saw me more as one of them than as a potential girlfriend, which suited me just fine, anyway.

Like Charlie, I had thick long brown hair, which we probably inherited from our mother, and our father's almost transparent blue eyes. I was pretty lanky and totally curve-less, however, a sort of awkward-looking stick figure, which probably explained why boys didn't show any interest in me. Once again, I preferred it that way.

Relationships seemed to always end up pretty messily at school, with far too much crying and shouting.

Love was a mystery to me. I just didn't grasp what those girls meant when they doodled I <3 X everywhere in their notebooks. Especially when three days later they were happily holding hands with Z!!!

"You also need to join a team... Why don't you try volleyball?" Charlie interrupted my internal debate about love.

I actually liked volleyball, it was the sport I enjoyed playing the most in my old school, so once again I nodded.

It was funny how Charlie always knew what I liked best.

Earlier on, at the bags shop, the shop assistant had tried to sell me this horrendous multicolored backpack with ugly stick figures as a pattern when I'd asked for a grey one. After listening to the man tell us that this was the It-bag of the moment and that I'd be better off with it, Charlie simply jumped above the counter, grabbed the coolest grey and white striped back pack ever and handed it to the man along with a wad of cash.

I may not understand what love meant relationship wise, but one thing was sure I loved my brother more than anything in this world.