WHERE ARE YOU CHARLIE?

BEFORE VIII

"Ugh... I'm drunk... I'm soooo drunk..." Charlie had been moaning since he'd been back from his friend's party.

I knew I wasn't supposed to talk to him or Jim but I thought that I could maybe help him feel better.

"Is there anything I can do to help you?" I asked him tentatively.

"Shit, Zoe! I woke you up, I'm sorry." He apologized.

"It's ok..." I muttered.

"It's strange to hear you speak..." He commented.

What could I say to that?

"Jim and I are monsters, treating you the way we are, aren't we?" His voice was slurred, making him sound weaker than he actually was.

Jim had gone away with his posse for the weekend but I wasn't foolish enough to forget all the rules so I simply shrugged, even though I knew he couldn't see me.

"How many men did he force you to dance for this month, Zoe?" He suddenly blurted out and I regretted talking to him in the first place. I should have pretended to be asleep or something because right now, I was the one who was about to be sick.

"How many were there?!" He asked again, more aggressively this time.

I ran to the toilet and threw up the meager content of my stomach.

Why was he doing that to me?

I couldn't talk about that.

In fact, I wouldn't even know what to say. They always gave me the spiked drink beforehand so I never remembered anything, and somebody – Charlie I assumed – always cleaned me up before I woke up the day after.

So apart from a few bruises here and there, I had absolutely no memory of what had happened.

And that was exactly how I wanted it to be.

He grabbed a fistful of my hair and pulled me away from the toilet.

"How many men paid to see you dance, Zoe?!" He demanded.

"I don't know..." I snapped.

Startled by my reaction, he let go of my hair. I just had enough time to turn around as a new wave of nausea started.

"So the drug works, at least?" He then asked, softly this time.

I nodded before throwing up again.

"It's a cartoon for you, isn't it?" He muttered after a while and I nodded again. "If only the bitch had taken us with her..."

The blood froze in my veins.

He was talking about our mother. Nobody had ever mentioned her before.

"Where is she?" I whispered.

"F*ck knows where she's hiding." His anger was hard to miss. "I know Jim tried to locate her at first but he seems to have given up, now... At least he no longer mentions her..."

"Do you remember her?" I knew I was playing on dangerous ground but who could blame me?

"You look so much like her..." He sighed. "Apart from your eyes of course, which we both got from him..." He flushed the toilet and helped me clean up a bit, before carrying me to our bedroom.

"I remember how happy she always looked. She was always humming while cooking and she made the most delicious pancakes ever..." He was totally lost in his memories. "She used to invent fairy tales in which I'd always star as the awesome prince who saved the princess... She had a vivid imagination, that's for sure..."

"How did she even end up with Jim?" I couldn't help but wonder out loud.

"He wasn't that bad at the time. He had a proper job at the sawmill on the other side of town on top of all the rest, and sometimes he'd take us to the dinner or to the carnival and just spoil us..." He sounded dreamy.

Was he really talking about the same man?!

A horrible thought crossed my mind.

"Did he change because of me?"

"No, Zoe! Of course not!" He exclaimed. "You were only a baby at the time, such a cute one at that..."

"So what happened?"

"His best friend was shot and he decided he'd get revenge..." He said sadly. "Except he started a war instead..."

I shuddered at his last words.

A war?

How come I hadn't known?

"But I don't want you to know any of that, Zoe..." I could tell that he was only trying to protect me.

"Did she leave because of the war?" I insisted, needing some sort of answer to the question that had been at the back of my mind all my life.

"I honestly don't know." He sounded sincere. "She made sure we were both tucked up in bed one night, and was gone the following morning... along with all her belongings."

Ok.

I blinked back the tears that threatened to fall after such a heavy conversation, and tried to reason myself.

This doesn't change anything.

She left when you were three and she's still gone.

End of story.

I tried to wriggle free from his arms but he tightened his grip on me.

"Please, let's pretend..." He whispered as I felt something wet on my shoulder.

"Can't we go away?" I whispered a few hours later, hoping that he'd fallen asleep.

"I've failed you... I know, I have, little Sis... But I'm working on it... You'll just have to patient a little longer..." At first, I thought I'd been dreaming. But when he kissed the top of my head several times, I knew I had heard him correctly so I did something I had never dared before.

"I love you, Charlie."

And from how he tightened his hold on me and the number of kisses that rained on the top of my head, I knew he loved me just as much as I did.