TW: Suicidal Thoughts
I look out of my window, Conan having been gone all day. I look onto my balcony, the sun starting to set. I feel my breathing slow a bit. My breath becomes calmer, more focused. I stare out of that balcony, wondering. Would anyone care?
My eyes trace the railing, scanning every detail of it and soaking it into memory. I look at the concrete, and around the bottom of the railing where it is secured in place. It looked so stable, so safe. I got up from the bed and walked into the living room. As I walked through the apartment I traced the walls with my fingertips. I observed every painting, plant, and piece of decor in this room.
I traced my fingers along the couch, my records, the chairs, the doorframe, the back along the bed. I reached over and strummed Conan's guitar lightly, feeling the string's vibration underneath my fingertips. I looked along the dresser, looking in the mirror. He doesn't love me. I could feel the thoughts creeping into my brain faster and faster. However, my breathing and heart rate remained slow and steady.
I walked into the bathroom tracing the shower curtain and countertop. He wouldn't care. You're a burden to him anyways. I walk back into the room. I pick up a piece of lined paper and one of Conan's pens, and I start writing.
𝑫𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝑪𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒏,
𝑰 𝒂𝒎 𝒔𝒐 𝒔𝒐𝒓𝒓𝒚 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒑𝒖𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒕𝒉𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉. 𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝒏𝒐 𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒓 𝒏𝒆𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒓𝒚 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒎𝒆. 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒕𝒐 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒂𝒎 𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒚. 𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝒎𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝒎𝒆 𝒔𝒐 𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒚. 𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒎𝒂𝒊𝒏 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒐𝒏 𝑰'𝒗𝒆 𝒃𝒆𝒆𝒏 𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈. 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒂𝒚 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒌 𝒚𝒐𝒖, 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈. 𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒔𝒉𝒐𝒘𝒏 𝒎𝒆 𝒊𝒔 𝒊𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒔𝒄𝒓𝒊𝒃𝒂𝒃𝒍𝒆, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑰'𝒎 𝒔𝒐 𝒈𝒍𝒂𝒅 𝑰 𝒈𝒐𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒆𝒙𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒄𝒆 𝒊𝒕.
𝑰 𝒂𝒎 𝒘𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒍𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒆𝒍𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒌 𝒚𝒐𝒖, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒏𝒐 𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒓 𝒃𝒆 𝒂 𝒃𝒖𝒓𝒅𝒆𝒏 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒕𝒐 𝒄𝒂𝒓𝒓𝒚. 𝑻𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒌 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒄𝒂𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒎𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒎𝒆 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒔𝒐 𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈. 𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒔𝒐 𝒕𝒂𝒍𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒘𝒐𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒇𝒖𝒍, 𝑰 𝒂𝒎 𝒔𝒐 𝒍𝒖𝒄𝒌𝒚 𝒕𝒐 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒎𝒆𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖. 𝑰 𝒉𝒐𝒑𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒅𝒂𝒚 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒇𝒊𝒏𝒅 𝒂 𝒈𝒊𝒓𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒕𝒓𝒖𝒍𝒚 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆, 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒐 𝒄𝒂𝒏 𝒕𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝒄𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒍𝒔𝒐. 𝑻𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒌 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈.
𝑴𝒚 𝒂𝒑𝒐𝒍𝒐𝒈𝒊𝒆𝒔 𝒕𝒐 𝒎𝒚 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆,
𝒮𝒾𝑔𝓃𝒶𝓉𝓊𝓇𝑒
I must've read back over the note a thousand times before seeing it shut and placing a kiss on the front with my light pink lipstick. I felt a tear fall onto the envelope as I gently placed it on his dresser. I took a picture of myself on his camera, making sure I could leave one image of myself for him. He doesn't need a picture. He doesn't care. I could feel my heart speed up slightly, but only slightly. You're a disappointment. Now mother will finally be happy. You are taking a burden off of her. You are taking a burden off of him. You're a burden to everyone.
I walk towards the balcony, brushing my fingertips across the cold stone. I feel the railing, rough underneath my hands. I prop myself up, sitting on the railing and looking over. I see it in my eyes, the blood...myself...and everyone else. Smiling. This was for the better. It needed to happen. I look back down again, the same picture rolling across my brain.
Do it. Jump. Lean. It's bound to happen eventually. You weren't meant to be.
My heart speeds up a little as I prop my leg across the outside of the railing. I feel the cold cement against my thigh, the touch underneath my hands. I close my eyes, resting for one last time. I look back over the balcony.
"STOP-" I hear a breathless scream behind me. "PLEASE....PLEASE I....I CANT LOSE YOU-" I see a stressed and tear ridden Conan standing behind me. He's standing very still, as if one move might make me jump. Honestly, it might. "I-" I start, unable to think of words. This IS for the better.
I look back over the balcony again, seeing the picture. "NO-" he screams, his voice now filled with agony. I turn my head to look at him, feeling the indecisiveness on my face. Right now, the sidewalk is winning. "I...I DON'T KNOW WHAT I CAN SAY...TO MAKE YOU STOP...I-" he stops, stammering as he searches for words. I look over again, shifting closer towards the fall.
"PLEASE...PLEASE-" he's screaming now, on his knees on the floor. "PLEASE...DONT....PLEASE" he screams over and over. I can't see him like this. It hurts me. I start to lift my leg back over the railing. He's just saying this so he won't feel the blame. He doesn't really care. I stop in my movement, unable to decide who to listen to.
I can see the tears flooding down his face, his breathing heavy as he continues to scream, almost inaudibly now. "PLEASE...I LOVE YOU...PLEASE-" he screams and screams. "I CANT LOSE YOU...I CANT...YOU'RE MY EVERYTHING...PLEASE-" he screams falling to the floor. I can't take this. I flip my leg back over the railing and hop down, feeling the balcony's cement under my feet. I slowly walk towards the room, my heart beating fast.
He looks up, panting as the tears flow down his cheeks. He stands up immediately and grabs me, pulling me into a hug as he buries his face in my shoulder. I hear his loud intakes as he cries and cries, holding me tighter than ever. I wrap my arms around him, unable to process my emotions. "Oh my God...oh my God...oh my God..." he stammers, his arms around my upper back. He pulls away, shaking as he cups my face in his hand.
I can feel him shaking, and visibly see it. He traces his finger along my jawline, crying even more. I just stand there, not knowing what to do. "I...I'm sorry-" I begin. "No...no not sorry...you shouldn't be-" he stutters. Suddenly he brings me into a kiss. He kisses me passionately, his hands on my cheeks and mine around his waist. I can taste the saltiness of his tears, his wet eyelashes brushing against my cheek.
After pulling away, I feel his breathing calm, his shaking slowing. "I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you" he whispers breathlessly. "You are my entire world. Why can't you understand that I mean that...if I lost you...I...I-" His tears return as he looks down, searching for the words. He pulls me back into a hug, crying once more into my shoulder, only this time the tears are silent and flow easily.
He pulls away and takes my hands in his, pulling me into the living room. We sit down on the couch as he dims the lights. He gently folds his arms around me, pulling me close to him. I glance over at the letter, and his eyes follow mine. "No...I-" he starts. He sits up slowly walking over to the letter and grabbing it. He comes back over and sits down, opening it.
"Conan-" I start, but he already has it opened. I just watch as his pained eyes read over every word. He soaks each one in, briefly feeling the writing with his fingers. He sets it down gently on the table, then looks directly into my eyes. He takes both my hands as he does this.
"You were never a burden to me. Ever. I always loved you. I always will love you. If I lost you, I would never find someone else. I'd never be able to. I only love you. You. I can't lose you. You give me meaning. You make me feel loved and understood. You are always there for me. Never a burden. Never ever." he said, looking at me sincerely. I look down at my hands, fingers intertwined with his.
I felt my heartbeat speed up, afraid of the questions he might ask. "We don't have to talk about this right now" he says, shocking me. "I just want to hold you, Please?" he whispers. I nod, and he gives me a warm smile through his sniffling. He pulls me into him, holding me close to his heart as he kisses my forehead. With his arms wrapped around me and his heartbeat calming, I fell asleep.
