Oceans to Trees

Fishing

The day after he confides in me about his concerns with leaving for the Navy, I ask Jordan if he has people to talk to about what goes on in his brain. He seems to be the type of person who locks things away, so after we are done sweeping the shop at the end of the day, I ask him if he has any emotional outlets. Jordan thinks about it briefly, then admits that he's reluctant to trust others with his feelings and can't imagine why anybody would care about that anyway.

My brain twitches angrily within. People forget that the gendered expectations established by society affect men too. That's just not fair. Jordan is allowed to experience and talk about his feelings. "Anybody who cares about you should care about the wellbeing of your mind. What about your girlfriend?"

I try to mask my surprise at that question... I literally can't imagine talking to Lucy about the thousands of anxieties in my head or how I constantly feel like I'm letting everyone down. Instead, I shake my head firmly. "No, no... I could never talk to her about this stuff. I mean, I love her," I answer. Though as the words leave my mouth, I wonder if Katie is right.

Do you want to go fishing sometime?"

I trip over my words, trying to tie together some sort of explanation for how I don't trust Lucy with the far reaches of my heart, but simultaneously continue to date her. I turn red and settle on yes, I would enjoy fishing. She hands me wood scrap with her number scribbled on it, explaining that she hates Facebook messenger. By the time I look up from the number in my hand, she has already left the room.

Katie is not really like any girl I've met before. Actually, she isn't like any guy I've met either. She is matter of fact and straight to the point; focused, diligent, and smart. I can tell she wants to spend time with me and get to know me really well, but her complete lack of obsession is disorienting. It is disorienting because I am obsessed. I don't catch her watching me from the other side of the workshop or lunchroom, but I admit if she did look at me, she'd see me staring back. All I want is to know the secret behind such a caring yet reserved person.

I'm walking back to my truck, and a little whisper of joy dances in my chest when I feel the little wooden piece in my pocket. I type out a message: I need to find my fishing rods. After a few minutes, she replies, explaining that it has been a while since her last fishing trip, and her rod might still be a pink one for kids. I immediately quip back that her height might warrant a kids' rod.

A few days before graduation, we meet to go fishing. Her hair is now short; it used to come to the middle of her upper arm, but now the ends just reach her shoulders. It isn't even tied back!

"Woah..."

"Wow I'm glad you like it" I say dryly.

"No, no... I just—you never wore your hair down before."

My whole life, people have been asking me to wear my hair down. I don't even know how to respond to his observation.

"I know I don't wear it down. I don't like it that way." I immediately break down laughing because that came out way bitchier than I expected and apologize profusely.

"What made you cut it?" I laugh, not because she looks terrible (which she does not), but because Katie is laughing.

"I got sick of it," I explain as we begin collecting our rods and bait. "My hair's been like this since I was really ill, and I guess I wanted to be free from that version of myself."

"Well it looks nice."

"You look very nice, too" I compliment back, to which he suddenly looks highly uncomfortable.

I had expected this outcome and smirk. "I urge you to remember that I like compliments as much as you do" I say, turning on my heels and heading toward the pond. I smile at myself secretly, listening to Jordan's laughter from behind me.

I quickly start after her and catch up. We go to two spots and catch nothing, but it doesn't matter because we are together. We share fishing stories until we realize that behavior is reserved for retired folk.

After an hour of nothing, we drive to another lake. It is a little sunnier here and Katie is so small that her little fishing hat almost covers her head completely. When she isn't paying attention, I playfully flick it off, and she glares at me in joking contempt with her big, dark-brown eyes.

As the hours progress, I catch myself smiling and giggling and I know we are much too loud to catch anything other than the algae on the surface of the lake. I reel in my line exclaiming "Look! Jordan! I caught this amazing fish!" and proudly hold up the clump of plants, twigs, and algae from my hook. We laugh and move to new spots, eventually giving up, setting our rods down, and sitting side by side in the bed of his truck.

"Boy are we going to eat good tonight!" I remark, and we get ourselves laughing again. When Katie finally stops laughing enough to speak again, she sits up.

"I have this dumb thing I want to do, and I want to know if you would be willing to do it anyway?"

"Yeah, sure." I leave off the part that if she asked me to skip with her through a dandelion field in public, I wouldn't even think twice. I just feel happier when we hang out.

She brings out a little book called You, Me, Us.

"Look I know this is cringey, but I'd like to fill out a page with each of my friends before we graduate." Sitting here laughing with Jordan, I realize he is a person I don't want to forget. I flip to a random page. It is a little Venn diagram with one side labeled, times we've had fun, and the other times we've looked cool. I assume the overlap is when we looked cool and had fun. I start by filling out my name, and quickly realize that I do not want just my handwriting on this page, and hand the pencil to Jordan. He rolls his eyes and writes down his name in the space provided.

"I guess we look cool in the shop..." I say. She agrees, mentioning that I did in fact look really cool when I almost electrocuted myself on the top of a fifteen foot ladder. We get laughing again.

"I don't know about you, but I had fun fishing."

I write down fishing nothing and Katie giggles. She says I should draw a picture. I do, and she giggles even more. God I love her little laughter... it makes me feel the same way as when I watch dogs play fetch. You can't watch their excitement and not feel happy.

In the middle of the chart I put, shooting the shit. Katie likes this and deems the page complete.

"I know it's a bit weird, but I just want to remember my friends."

I don't think it is weird at all. In fact, I wish I had more of Katie to remember. We sit together in the truck bed for a few more minutes in silence, eventually finishing the outing with snacks at 7-eleven. Then, we finally part ways. Goodbyes are tough, and I feel a sharp sting knowing that soon, we won't see each other at school anymore. Then I'll ship out and I won't see Katie at all anymore.