Oceans to Trees

Navy

Nobody talks about how it feels to fall out of love. I'm sitting on the edge of my bed with my head on my knees, and I feel trapped. You know how people have love interests that come and go if you just hang tight long enough? Well, what if you don't wait? What if you are young and you get together with a little crush you have? Someday, I guess, you figure out that the earth beneath their feet isn't made of gold. Young love is stupid because I couldn't differentiate a fleeting feeling from something permanent, and now I am trapped.

I roll over onto my back and look at the ceiling. It isn't that she is a bad person, it is just that I feel an anxious pit in my stomach when I see her and going out feels like a chore. I've wanted to be out of this relationship since a few months after it started, but I was thirteen, and I guess I thought that's what love looked like. So here I still am.

I don't have the guts to say anything because she is happy and in love and she didn't do anything wrong. I still treat her the same way I always have, but it just doesn't feel good in my heart. Yet dead love feels better than being unloved. I just don't know what to do.

I am worried that this is all because I'm not loyal or something, and maybe if I stick with it, I'll love her again. The constant messages to my phone checking to make sure I am only having male friends don't help though, and neither does the constant cheating paranoia. Still, it isn't like she's bad...

I sigh. Thinking is overwhelming. I hear the silence in my ears and think about how I am leaving for the navy, hoping that the distance will end things for me. Lots of people get broken up with before they leave.

They're the lucky ones.

Then I remember that lots of people lose their friends when they leave. I open my eyes, thinking back to all the people I've found over the past few years of high school. Shit. Is ditching my dead love worth losing friends? I mean that's not the entire reason I'm going. Submarines are cool. Water is cool. Uniforms are cool. I realize that I'm graduating in two weeks. My brain starts spiraling and I suddenly feel like nobody else has felt the impending doom of losing all their friends.

I realize that somebody else does know that feeling and reach for my phone, opening Facebook messenger.

Katie are you still up

it is 6pm yes I am still up

what do you want

remember how you told me about how your friends stopped reaching out

like, while you were away and stuff

yeah

I am just scared of that happening

to me

you know, when I go to the navy

oh

hang on, let me put my dishes in the dishwasher I got this

She sends me a stupid GIF of a cat in an empty dishwasher, flicking the rotating arm that sprays the water. A few minutes later, she is back.

ok it is my time to shine

because I am older and wiser than you

...by two months

yes those two months were very important now don't interrupt

hush up and listen to my wisdom

basically,

I think that you will find that distance thins out the people that don't really care about you

the convenience friendships formed because you see a person every day

I know I talk all about being alone and stuff, but the truth is that there were still lots of people around

like my parents

and my cat

and my aunts and uncles and cousins

the people that cared about me stayed, you know?

and I guess I learned that I'm okay losing the people that didn't care about me

that's just me personally though

also these were like middle school friends so they may not have been emotionally mature

idek what I am talking about anymore I am so sorry

no actually that makes sense

I guess those two months were very important

told you

would you be opposed to me writing to you while you are away

I'm gonna miss constantly nagging you

not at all

except idk what my address is and I won't know until I'm there haha

fair enough

yeah

I keep checking my phone, but she doesn't say anything after that, which I guess makes sense because there was nothing else to say.

Taking a deep, slow breath, I lay my phone on my nightstand. My mind feels a little more peaceful, and my heart feels a little less knotted.