Oceans to Trees

Goodbye

It is midnight, and the world feels still. I live in a rural area, and all I hear is the crickets and the distant calls of the spring peepers. I wonder if the cows also have trouble sleeping.

I roll over to face the wall and listen to the clock ticking in the room down the hallway. As it continues ticking, I become a little too aware of the passage of time. I flip over again.

My eyes are heavy, but they feel dry when I close them, and my body is restless, and my mind races. Flicking on the light on my nightstand, I pull out my journal. This is my panic journal; it contains all the thoughts that get tangled up in my head and keep me from sleeping. It doesn't matter what I use to write with, or what color it is, or even if it is written right side up. This gets the thoughts out of my head. I open it to a random page, and flip until I find a blank one:

Midnight, April 7th (by technicality)

Can't sleep. Thoughts racing and my head hurts and my eyes hurt but it's easier to use my eyes and hands to write than it is to lay still alone with my thoughts.

Have you ever had those friends that you meet and instantly become super close with them? That is Jordan. We only said our first words to each other two months ago, yet I feel like I know him better than most.

I think I need to distance myself a bit from him. He's a perfect friend, and that's the problem because he is leaving to join the navy! Even better is that he has a girlfriend, and I don't need to be worried about getting roped into a relationship. I've waited for four years to find a friend like this; I always want to be near him, we get along so well, and we have a similar hobby overlap. I just don't like that he is going away right after we got to know each other.

I guess I am going away, too. I was accepted into a field school, and I leave a week after graduation.

I feel like I don't have anything more to write. It is just upsetting to say goodbye to a person who made you feel like you were worth spending time with. I wonder if he feels the same way about me.

I'm tired.

I tear off the silk ribbon that keeps the page marked. Pages don't need to be marked in a panic journal if you don't reread them anyway.

With my thoughts out of my head, I switch off the light, toss my journal on the floor, and finally fall asleep.

~ ~ ~

My path crosses with Katie's a few more times before I leave. I didn't really realize that I was helping with her Eagle Scout project while we were working together in the workshop, but when she finally receives her award and hosts a party for her volunteers, I find an invite in my backpack. We don't talk much at the party, mainly because she has a lot of volunteers, but she makes time to thank me for my help and invite me to her end-of-the-year bonfire party. I tell her I'll be there.

At the bonfire party, there are twenty or so kids, and I know a lot of them from band. We play volleyball and burn our school papers in a massive pile in Katie's backyard. The place is alive with energy and excitement, and we climb trees, do tricks on the trampoline, and make s'mores in the fire pit. I've brought my friend with me, too. I've been helping her carry her backpack to classes since she injured her back. We've been super close this year, and I'll admit I definitely have a crush on her, but I'm not saying anything because it is just a crush. If I've learned anything, it's that the feelings will die with time.

I can't figure out what I feel for Katie, because it isn't a crush. She doesn't make me fluttery when we hang out, and I am just as aware of her flaws as I am her great qualities. I just really enjoy the time we spend together, and she makes me want to be a better listener and a gentler person. Whatever I feel for Katie, it makes me seek her out time and time again as the sun sets. Every time I reappear, she welcomes me into whatever she's doing. While I am helping bring out some more snacks, I get to meet her cats and guinea pigs, and because they are sitting inside, her parents. The next time, I join her as she closes the chickens into the roost. And before I know it, my phone shines back 10:30 and my friend and I are the last two people at Katie's house. We say goodbye, and I send my friend into the passenger seat of my truck. Out of sight, I thank Katie for constantly including me and making me feel important. She tells me that I am important, and she wraps her arms around me gently.