Oceans to Trees

Talk

It's been a few weeks, and now, the second I set foot in this shop, I'm whistling, scouring the room for Katie. She hears my whistle and usually comes out from wherever hiding place she is to say good afternoon and offer playful banter. Only, sometimes she doesn't. Sometimes she doesn't appear, and I search the loft and the storage rooms and outside, and she is just gone.

She told me once that she wears a mask because she is immunocompromised, boldly telling me that "The KN-92 mask is because nimrods like you don't protect others, so I'm forced to protect myself." I've always hated masks, and questioned whether they work or not, but somehow I feel a degree of guilt looking at the blisters and rashes on Katie's face from the tight mask. I assume that the days I can't find her are the ones where she is sick. Those days, I work alone, and the air feels heavy with the absence of her joy. My favorite class almost feels more like a chore, and without the constant chatter of my friend, my mind wanders.

Mostly, I wonder if Katie is okay. Today, when I catch my mind wondering that, I pull out my phone to see if she is on Facebook messenger. She is. I send a friend request and a general "are you feeling okay today?" I keep checking my phone, but don't get a response. Working alone at a table, I sigh.

Towards the end of the day, my phone buzzes, and I reach for it eagerly, only to realize it is my girlfriend and not Katie. Noticing my response, I am hit with a pang of guilt. I wish I knew why the novelty of my relationship wore off. It has been four long years, and I like being with her, but something doesn't bring me happiness in the way I feel it should. Our relationship is a task to me. It is filled with sweet words and romance and sex, which is all I should want, but there is something about this short feisty thing, unafraid of whatever lurks in my brain, that has captured my full attention. I drive to my girlfriend's college every weekend to visit. It is fun and passionate, but I just don't know what is missing. Maybe it is that I don't actually trust her.

Here's the thing; Katie has this tough outer shell that seems impenetrable, but I swear that she has to be soft on the inside, otherwise, she wouldn't know the things she knows. One day, she asks if I am feeling alright. I tell her yes, even though I have a sinus infection, and ask why. She looks down awkwardly at her feet; "I dunno... I just... you wear your glasses on the days that are rough..." and she walks away. I swear to myself that I will tell her the truth next time because that one is perceptive, and she knows. I don't understand how she knows, but Katie simply does. I admit she has my attention.

I wish I didn't owe my attention to Lucy anymore.

~ ~ ~

Jordan and I are waiting for the bell—it is due to go off in under a minute. He isn't wearing his glasses, but he's seemed a little more distant than usual today. "How are you feeling?"

"Just feeling down," I say, impressed by my honesty.

"Do you have anything fun planned for today?"

"N...no?" I reply, feeling a bit vulnerable—like my honesty was unappreciated.

"You have early release right? Do you have anything pressing?"

"No."

"Would you just like some company? I'll be in the cafeteria for the next period." I have early release too, but he doesn't have to know that.

I pause. "That would be nice... thank you."

I nod silently and look at him sincerely. When the bell rings, we walk out of the room into the swarms of students in the hallway. It is filled with the chatter of voices and the footsteps of hundreds of students. Landsell shoves himself between us and continues running, dodging and pushing his way through the crowd. Jordan reels back, stunned by the audacity this creep seems to always have. He rolls his eyes, and we navigate to the cafeteria, sitting at a round table near the water fountain.

"Shit day?"

I laugh. "Yeah."

"Anything in particular on your mind?"

"...yeah."

I let the silence hang between us, and it is filled by the students weaving between the tables, running to their next classes. We sit together, exchanging no words, watching them slowly filter out of the cafeteria. Eventually, the late bell goes off, and it is just Jordan and I sitting at the table. I am patient.

Everybody is gone. I close my eyes, and I tell myself, I am safe. Katie is safe. I sigh and clear my throat, "I just didn't think it was going to go like this."

She cocks her head and looks at me curiously. "High school. I didn't... I just... there was a plan, you know?"

"A plan." I repeat.

"Yeah. I was gonna get through high school and go to the navy... keep my head low and not get attached to this place." I shake my head and my hand trembles. I am so attached; I think to myself.

Sometimes silence is better than a question.

"It's just that I have a girlfriend now, and I love the woodshop, and there are so many people I like in band, and I mean, we are friends now, and I just don't want to leave it all behind..." I rest my head on the table, "...but I am going to."

"Do you regret it?"

I pick up my head, mulling that over. After a few seconds I shake my head, "no... but it just makes things harder."

"I think it would be quite sad if you had nothing here worth missing." Our eyes meet, and I smile. He lightly shoves me, claiming that getting sentimental was not his goal, and we laugh, but I see him wipe his eyes. I thank him for talking to me and pull out a piece of paper. We spend the rest of the period drawing dumb pictures and sharing dumb stories, eventually parting with a smile to leave with the final bell.

Later that day, I find him on Facebook. Jordan. He sent me a friend request a month ago and tried sending a few messages. I accept them now, and read the messages I never saw from the past weeks.

"Hi"

"Mr. Swartz isn't here today."

"The dust collector needs emptied today"

"Are you in school today?"

There are a lot more of them than I expected, and guilt hits my stomach. I send back "hi" and a meme about the woes of life. He likes it, calling them "relatable," and between our conversation during 11th period, I think I've just found my way into his mind.

I send him more memes, and he sends them back. They are all memes about depression, but it is opening him up, and we text into the late hours of the night about everything from which type of sword is the coolest to our favorite height of sock. Every day I learn something more. He has a girlfriend named Lucy who is one year older and in college. He has a younger brother and was raised mostly by his grandparents. But among these trivial facts, I learn that he is highly anxious, reluctant to trust, and loyal as anything. I've never had a friend quite like Jordan. How did I not find him sooner?

I don't even know why I tell her all this. Katie has a key to my brain, somehow gets inside, and then doesn't breathe a word to anyone. I've never had a friend like this before, and it makes me excited to go to school and have a person that I can talk to and trust. She doesn't offer much on her own, but every once in a while she will mention something that totally puts in perspective how cool Katie is. She is a boy scout? Like, that is so cool! Sometimes I help with her eagle project. She also likes shotgun shooting, and when I hear this, my head spins because I kind of thought she would be against guns. What a cool person.