Oceans to Trees

Cafeteria

I've been at school for only a few weeks and the work is already somewhat challenging. Even still, I try to write letters as often as I can. When I get the chance, I sit down at my desk with fun cards and a pen or two with pretty ink. I try hard not to make my letters basic. Recruits probably get too many letters that go like this:

"Hello. I miss you, your family misses you, and we are all sad. I did not do anything interesting. We need rain. I hope you are well. I love you. Bye."

Who would want to read that? However, I haven't written a single letter for the past week and a half. By the time he gets it two weeks later, he will be gone. I don't know where is next for him, but I don't dwell on that because this is his journey, not mine. Instead, I focus on my studies and making new connections. Today I am sitting in the dining hall with my phone face up on the table, eating suspicious dining hall food with a girl I met earlier today. We are going through the same questions we've been asked all day: Where are you from? What is your major? What building do you live in? Do you play any sports? An instrument? What is your schedule like? Orientation week is an endless loop of eating, sleeping, forcing conversations, and fake smiles. During a break in our conversation, my phone screen lights up and I see I'm getting a call.

From Jordan? A completely unexpected surprise, I answer immediately.

"Hey Katie..." I hear through the crackled static on my phone, "I just wanted to let you know I got my phone back and I..."

"Jordan??" I jump in, "Oh my goodness! Hi! It is so good to hear you again!" I'm smiling ear to ear and the girl I am eating lunch with is so confused, but I don't care because my friend is finally back.

"I can't talk for long, just... thank you for writing to me."

"Oh of course! I am sure you have a lot of people to contact. I'll be here, I promise! Thank you for calling me!" He promises to talk again later, hangs up and my happiness lasts for the rest of the day. I can't believe my friend is home and he thought to call me.

I do have lots of people to catch up with, but I didn't tell her she was among the first. Her letters reached me in a way no others did, with a depth I'd never felt in writing before. I've fallen for her, pathetically and completely, but I know she is more of an independent person. Even if I'll never be allowed to love Katie, I know I can't let her go. From then on, I text her goodnight and good morning every day.

~ ~ ~

The first few weeks of texting back and forth since the phone call were somewhat awkward. Neither of us were used to communicating with each other in any form but letters, and as a result, the conversations lacked much substance and direction. I would ask questions about his time at boot camp, and he didn't really seem to want to tell me much. I figured everyone pressured him for details and that I was the only one who was content to let him choose our talking points. So I backed off.

Now he's been at the naval base in Connecticut for a few weeks, and I think the stress is getting to him. We've been avoiding this conversation, but I have the feeling that Jordan is struggling. I think boot camp flipped his world upside-down and worsened his mental health. I think he is lonely and feels unstable, but from what I've gathered, I'm the only person he feels like he can share with. In one of our conversations, I ask him if he is doing alright.

I'm not. I am really not. But I just got back, and I shouldn't be sad. I just want to be home. I want to see Katie again, because right now it feels like she is the only person who actually cares about me for my sake. I look at her text, knowing "yes" won't cut it for her intelligent mind. I think about what would happen if I tell her the truth, and I decide she probably wouldn't treat me differently at all.

I try to let her in a bit, but my mind is totally blank. It's like there is this whole era of my life that I just made up. It feels like a dream, like I was asleep this whole time, and I woke up family and things are sort of how they used to be again. But only sort of. I'm lost. I'm lonely. I want to tell her everything, and I have the message opened but I can't get the feeling into words. I'm upset and exhausted and I type back that this has been a hard week.

I've been waiting for a message like this. Something that will get the ball rolling enough for me to gently pry. He's not very comfortable confronting his emotions, but I am here regardless.

I figured that might be the case. Readjustment is really difficult, and you have had to make a lot of changes in a short amount of time. How are you feeling about things? I feel like this reads as an AI-generated message. It feels dumb and cold and unwelcoming to me, but I mean every word.

I read Katie's message, and it suddenly feels easier to breathe. My parents have asked how I am doing, but for some reason, looking at this... I want to tell the truth. Why is it that there is such a clear difference between people who care and people who care with all their hearts and will do anything to help? I tell her I feel unstable and lonely, and I just want to be back home. I want to be in my own bed again, in the same house as my family, where I can shower in private with warm water. I let the distance and time end things between Lucy and me, I don't even want to be in the Navy, and I just feel like I let everyone down. I am feeling a lot of feelings, and I am trapped because there is no way out. My spine is messed up. My brain is messed up. I just want to leave. I tell her everything I can.

It's 9:30 pm, and I am tired, but I don't think Jordan has ever shared with anyone like this before. I put my phone in a Ziploc bag and bring it to the shower—asking questions and clarifying as I wash my hair. I didn't know he and Lucy had broken up. I think he probably should have done that when he did fall out of love, but I'm not an expert on this. It just seems kind of rude. I didn't really understand what he meant in his letter about his spinal injury, but it turns out that thanks to excessive forced exercise, he has spinal disc herniations. He'll be affected for the rest of his life...

I make it back to my room and take my phone out of the Ziploc bag. It is still dry.

Is it normal to just feel so heavy and worn out? Why am I so unhappy and miserable? I feel like I lost who I was before I went to boot camp, and I want that version of me back.

Does that make any sense, Katie?

I don't think you understand how much I can relate to that ;)

I lost an old version of Katie when I got sick, but I learned to like this one better.

I think I will like your new version better, too.

How could this one be better?

This one seems to be more in touch with his feelings. The old Jordan ignored them. I think a version of you who can confront his emotions will be much stronger than one who can't.

I guess so...

Remember, you don't have to do it alone. I'm going to be here for you the whole way.