Does Voldemort Even Lift, Bro?

Chapter 1: Prologue: Beefcake Harry

Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter series, yada yada. Same for MARVEL and stuff.

Author's Note: Have you ever read one of those Harry Potter stories where the author decides to have him work out all the time, getting up before the crack of dawn so Harry can become big & tough & hot?

Well this takes that premise and beats all of the subtlety out with a sledgehammer.

So get ready for DudeBro jock Harry.

It also features Thanos because internet memes are a thing and I wanted to throw in some even dumber humor.

Enjoy!

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In most cases, the accidental magic a child creates ties directly into their personality and the way they were raised. For example, someone like Hermione Granger might summon a book she can't reach from a book shelf. Ron Weasley, on the other hand, might have his tongue heal itself when he ate the pie his mother had set out to cool, not wanting to share even one bite with his many siblings. How that glutton never got fat is a miracle in and of itself.

However, neither of them is the focus of this tale.

Enter one Harry Potter. Chosen by prophecy to save the world when no one else was willing to get off their lazy butts. The cosmos probably should have picked someone else. Since he was also fated to be the long awaited Master of Death, and a meddlesome, senile old fool decided to poke his nose in where it didn't belong, Harry ended up kidnapped from his godfather and left like a newspaper on the doorstep of his magic-hating relatives, the Dursleys.

Petunia Dursley was a nasty, vindictive bitch. And she was the best of them.

Vernon and Dudley were both big fat bullies. Therefore, Harry's magic reacted in a very different way to protect himself. He became something very different.

He became...

Beefcake Harry!

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A growing boy needs food. When the Dursleys tried to neglect him, Harry's magic summoned their plates away from them and held them in place, forced to watch as he ate seconds and thirds. It only took four hundred and sixty five times before they learned that lesson.

Harry got the biggest servings from then on.

When Dudley tried to bully Harry, to shove him around and treat him like a punching bag, Harry responded with the one thing all bullies understand- retaliate so hard that you beat it into their skulls. Knocking out half his baby teeth that first day walking home from school should have been enough for most people.

Dudley Dursley was both dumber and more stubborn than most people.

Two black eyes, a broken nose, a broken arm, and a trip to the emergency room for his smashed testicles finally got through his thick head. He would just try to bully the other kids instead.

Vernon took a few lessons of his own. He tried to discipline Harry after his precious Dudders came home with a handful of teeth that weren't ready to come out on their own. He got his belt off and was ready to whip the boy when he found out the hard way why that was a bad idea.