Life Imitating Art, from Drama to Myself

Chapter 5: The First Performance

The girls and I embarked on what was becoming our regular recess of chatting and walking. We talked a lot about yesterday and how I felt, the fear of being caught with my new clothes, I would love to wear them at home whenever I want, and my experience last night. I found it hard to explain how it felt to them. It was hard for me to understand what it felt like, it just made me feel sick and weird and uncomfortable with my own body. When I mentioned the weird look Annie gave me, we stopped walking, and the girls all looked at me. "Your voice tends to get higher when you're excited and you tend to gesture more," Shannon said. "You become more relaxed and more energetic and more you. I think it's become more noticeable in the last couple of weeks. We're sorry if it makes things harder for you, I feel some of this is my fault."

"Don't be sorry, this has nothing to do with you helping me. It was always there, trust me I had a memory flood last night, you've just allowed me to explore myself. I'll have to remember that and be a little more careful at school," I said with a smile. I meant it, I was much happier and more comfortable with myself overall, even though I was still in the closet.

Ashlee asked, "Are you worried about Thursday though?"

"No more than ever before. I'm going to show how good an actor I am, they just won't know it's the first part of the skit that takes more acting for me to do." We all had a good giggle about that.

To be fair I was a bit worried about the performance and any aftermath that might come. I was sure I could deflect any questions about the performance by claiming it as such. I was more worried about the girls and me still being able to hang out like we have been without more questions. It was a little uncommon to see a boy hanging out with a group of girls often, particularly at a catholic school. We wouldn't be the only group, but those guys are clearly gay, even though it's not talked about besides in RE relating to sodomy. It was different when the guy was supposedly straight, even though I knew I wasn't as I was sure I was trans. That's a strange thing to admit to yourself after hiding it for most of your life, it feels good though, I'm trans, I'm a girl. I hoped things wouldn't get too weird or would make issues for the girls, but I didn't want to stop being one of the girls.

When Thursday came around, I was excited but nervous. I knew we would be great, the lighting was great, the costumes would be amazing, and we knew the script so well that if anyone flubbed, we would be able to improvise and make it work. We were the third group up, the teacher had done a random draw before class, and Annie's group was 5th. We all had time before the performances started to get into costume, for me starting costume. The girls all looked great, similar to what they wore at lunch that first Saturday and I was in a simple t-shirt and shorts, quick and easy to get off, plus it suited my character at the start. Shannon had the dress in a bag that she would carry so we could do the quick change off-stage while the other two would still be visible on stage but looking off stage.

We watched the first two groups, I didn't pay attention to them, one was some girlfriend thing, and the other was sisters and cousins, there wasn't a lot a group of all girls could do. We were supposed to provide feedback and ask questions after the performances, but most people didn't say much as they were worried about getting hard criticisms or tough questions after theirs. Then we were up, Annie went to the lighting, and we got started. The whole thing went very well. It was obvious I was alone and sad in the back corner of the stage and my sad body language really sold it. The girls were amazing, they hit their marks, the lights were on time and the set-up was perfect.

Once I got changed, I started to get very nervous, this was the first time I would be seen in a dress by people other than my friends. Shannon whispered, "You got this girl," then we came back around, and the skit continued. During that part of the skit, the girls were looking at me off-stage saying things like "You look pretty," "That dress really suits you" and so on. I knew it was in the script, but it still helped me feel better. There were a few snickers from the audience once I did the reveal but because we played it completely straight (no pun intended) and I sold the joy of being a girl and being part of a friend group, spinny dress and all, (not much acting needed but they don't know that) it went down really well. The feedback was glowing from everyone. The only comment was that maybe I should have had a wig or some lip gloss to make it visually clearer that I was supposed to be completely a girl skin out. I pointed out the time limit, but I agreed that it might have been better with more hair or makeup. When we were done Shannon gave me the bag with my clothes in it, but the teacher never said anything about me getting changed so I stayed in the dress until the end of class. I even sat on the floor, the audience was on the floor, just like the other girls in their skirts or dresses and didn't think about it, legs together folded under my body.