Second Best: A Chenford Story

Part 5 - Explanations

Tim stepped into the apartment and walked sheepishly towards Lucy, placing her work bag down gently on the kitchen counter; he had gotten it out of her locker before he left the station, knowing she would need it. He began to talk as he took another step towards her. "Lucy, I'm so sorry, I've not been a good boyfriend to you, and-" Lucy cut him off by holding her hand up, before he could say any more.

"Tim, can I, uh, talk? I just need to get everything out that I want to say." Lucy asked, both fear and upset evident in her voice. 

"Yeah, uh, of course." Tim responded, walking over to the couch and sitting down on the other end of it, his face filled with a mixture of worry and regret. 

Lucy took a deep breath, and began to speak, voice shaky. "Look, my entire life, since I was six, up until I cut my family off and joined the academy, I was always the second choice, second best no matter what I did. I spent 18 years of my life, begging to be seen, loved, to be someone's first choice, but it never happened. Everything I achieved was somehow overshadowed by some small thing my brother did, and for so many years I busted my ass day in day out, in that hopes that maybe just once, I would be someone's favourite. But, it never happened. And I had to cut my entire family off to stop feeling permanently second best. Going through that for so many years, was so hard on me, emotionally. I used to cry myself to sleep every night without fail, wishing that one day I would never have to feel like that again. Every birthday cake candle wish from the ages of seven to when I stopped getting birthday cakes, was for me to not have to be second best anymore, and to be truly loved for who I was. When I did eventually cut them off at the age of 24, realising that as long as I had them in my life, that feeling would never go away, I finally felt at peace. I started to be recognised for who I actually was, what good qualities I had and not just automatically being compared to my brother, which felt amazing. After a year or two, that gnawing feeling went away and I never thought I would have to go through it again. That was, until Isobel showed up yesterday. Seeing you with her, how you treated her, how you treated me in comparison, took me right back to my childhood bedroom, crying into my stuffed animals. I just can't ever measure up to what you had, Tim. You were married to her, stuck by her through her addictions, and ultimately let her go when she expressed that was what she wanted. That's true love. Something I can't compete with. You made fun of me to her, in the middle of the station, laughing as if I was some stupid tourist attraction, not a real person with feelings. In that moment, me and my feelings came secondary to her, as did everything else over the course of the last few days, and I can't live my life, knowing that the next time she comes back into our lives, I'll get tossed aside and disregarded like I have been. I have to be with someone who views me as their number one, not just temporary number one while the real number one isn't in the picture. I saw how you looked at her, Tim. You love her, and I need to let you go be with her. I don't blame you for this, I'm sure you didn't think she would ever get to a place where she's fully functional, helping out with old cases and getting back to the old Isobel, and I'm sure if you'd have known that would happen, you would've waited for her and you wouldn't have started a relationship with me. And even though you're my number one, in the whole world, and this is breaking my heart more than I could've ever imagined, I have to let you go and be with yours, because it'll break my heart more going through what I have these past two days, every time she reappears. You don't have to say anything by the way, if I'm right you can just leave, I won't hold it against you." By the end of Lucy's speech, her voice was small and quiet, and tears were flowing down her cheeks, dripping down from her jaw onto her sweater. She attempted to wipe them away with her sleeves, but new ones just kept coming, so she just let them fall. 

Tim stares at her, eyes wide and mouth agape, and a tear or two had escaped his eyes as well. He felt awful, he couldn't believe he had made her feel like that. None of what she thought about his feelings towards Isobel, were true, but he could understand why she came to that conclusion. The first thing he did, was lean forward and wrap his arms around her tightly, burying his face in her neck. She reciprocated, hesitatingly, ensure what the hug meant. "Is this a goodbye hug?" She managed to squeak out, between tears.