All The Ways We Touch [MxM]

thirty-three - the halloween party pt. one

"So, there's something I didn't really touch on yesterday," Elliot said, squirting moisturizer onto his fingertips, nervous about bringing their conversation back up.

"Really? I'd guessed that you touched yourself pretty thoroughly," Jamison teased, looking at him through the bathroom mirror.

After they'd kicked open the doors and shared their major traumas, Jamison was feeling better than ever, and even a comment like that caused him no discomfort. Talk about a victory. Although the conditioning was still present, it was clear that opening up had helped relieve a lot of the anxiety associated with its effects and his feelings for Elliot. Which, in turn, along with the benefit of radically reducing his shame, seemed to have grand effects on his capacity for being romantic and sexual. Add in Elliot's support and acceptance of his past and he felt like the path to a new Jamison that he'd started on while at the hospital was now even greener.

With how well last night had gone, and even now, he couldn't help but wonder how close they were to kissing and other forms of intimacy. While one could think that they were suddenly moving very fast, every day with Elliot at a distance had been grueling, and he was eager to make up for lost time and affection. Now that he was no longer hiding from Elliot it was as if he was finally able to begin to live freely. It just turned out that it meant being a lot more open than either one had expected—not that they were complaining. Learning all of this about himself was exciting and he felt like he was finally beginning to step out of the fog he'd been lost in for the majority of his life, increasingly seeing himself more clearly.

Like Jamison, Elliot was also on a journey of self-discovery. Though, unlike Jamison, Elliot found it strange that he hadn't realized so much about himself and his romantic and sexual interests up until this point. On the one hand, it made sense seeing as he'd never dated anyone, but on the other, it felt like he didn't know a fundamental part of himself. Fortunately, learning what he liked and wanted through his time with Jamison was more than satisfying. Sorting through his desires versus what he'd just assumed he'd want in a relationship and in their intimacy was a little daunting but Jamison needed to explore and discover those things about himself, too, which took the pressure off. Besides, Jamison didn't care that Elliot was uncoupling his true desires from what roles and preferences he'd assumed he'd want based on social conditioning. So what if he liked being Jamison's princess? He could be a world champion and still want his boyfriend to tell him he was a good boy.

"Don't start..." Elliot continued rubbing the cream into his skin, his fingers going over his reddened cheeks in wide circles. "You really don't mind dating a famous guy? Like doubly famous for swimming and family? People are gonna...notice you and may want to know about you. You won't necessarily be able to have your anonymity anymore."

"Hones—"

"Actually, triple famous because, uh, I have like a massive following online, though I haven't logged in for a while so who knows, but if I were to guess, it wo—" Elliot interrupted, rubbing what was left of the moisturizer on the back of his hands.

"Elliot," Jamison interrupted back, rolling his eyes. "Do you want to hear my answer or not?"

Grinning sheepishly, he nodded. "Sorry, go ahead."

"Will you look at me?" Turning, Jamison touched Elliot's arm and waited until he was able to look up into his eyes to continue. "Honestly? I'm pretty nervous about it," he admitted, cupping his cheek. "But it doesn't matter because I'm never leaving you. No matter the consequences. If you ever want to get rid of me, you're gonna have to use all that money to hire someone to make me disappear. Okay?"

"Okay," Elliot smiled, exhaling lightly through his nose.

After learning about how Elliot's loss had created the anxiety that his disappearance had flared, Jamison decided that he would take every chance to assure Elliot that he wasn't going to leave him, and the mix of happiness and relief in Elliot's eyes every time he assured him of it reinforced the decision.