A Recent Dream

Chapter Six: A Truth In Doubt (Sample)

It was midday during what I surmise to be July five. I was situated in the Grand map room, during which I felt a deep sadness of some unforeseen reason. It was supposed to be an exciting moment but instead of anticipation I felt dreary and I didn't know why, but I soon got my answer. I faintly sighed. I had made a fatal mistake of dwelling on my parents. At the time I was being a bit over the top, I mean, it hadn't been that long since I last clasped my parents. At this point it had probably been a few days or about a week on earth. I suppose by now I'm a bit more immune to the drowsiness this world causes, after time, it's almost like an ailment of reality. I'll just justify the silly gesture saying that it was like I spent a hundred hours playing a video game. You could say I was drunk, or kinda zonked. Anyways, I had thought of family, in particular I missed my parents, I was used to only seeing associates weekly and other family yearly, every few months or after a few or five years... I spoke, I yearned, saying "wish I could see the real ocean. I miss it." I continued, drifting, longing for it all, I couldn't stop myself, the sentiment was too strong. I was drenched in angst. I thought of all I had taken for granted. I craved to see things, feel things and experience things that seemed so far fetched. I was demoralized, I couldn't recognize my blessings. "Even just one breath." I said aloud. "Surly that would satisfy me..." I thought to myself. "No. I would just want a million more..." consequently... I kept ruminating about it almost as if it was through reflex. I sighed. I knew I had to get it out of my mind. It was poisoning me. I tried assuaging the thoughts as best I could but I felt paralyzed, all I could do was yearn for what I felt was taken away from me. My future; plans I thought were according to Gods, all the opportunities and lost experiences, I lost everyone I loved except God. It was a nightmare. Alas, doubts ensued my ponder. Nothing held me back from dwelling on a dream. I had survived and I didn't have to progress in this new world I found myself in. I had time to think, and I almost regret it. I struggled distinguishing fantasy from truth. Only through brute discipline had I withheld my faith. God hadn't tested me so greatly until then. I genuinely couldn't get why God would have this happen. I know God allows trial to purify us as fire strengthens gold, but why this. I'd almost rather be in the end of times. Was I wrong about my perception of Gods plan for me? Is this his plan for me. Here?... I struggled in remorse for my doubt but I knew such circumstances warranted answers. God hadn't mentioned anything like this in his word. I lamented. I was in disarray, distraught. How could I handle this? I must be able to if God allowed this. Had the devil made a bet that I would lose my faith in this place? Did God plan on sending me back after I complete the trials? Did I just have to beat the ender dragon? Am I dreaming? What happened to earth, we were so divided. We were all brothers and sisters yet we were so disgusted by each other... I put my hands on the reinforced glass wall in front of me. I looked out onto the ocean below. "Maybe I should move on, just forget... No, I can't." I whispered. How could I? I relented and exhaled saying, "I treasure the memories we made in bliss..." I value my experiences... at this point it would have been a relief if I could have sniffled or just cried, mourned and wavered. But I couldn't. I just couldn't. I wasn't even in the same body... I knew how futile it was to think of such agonizing things, but what else could I have pondered. If all I could think of was my past then I could only get it out with self-torment. It was already mentally excruciating so how could I have endured without a true physical expression, a way to cope with pain that worked in our universe, but where is this place anyways? Did God decide that showing up; telling everyone to get each other mad and be cool wasn't interesting enough? No, of course he wouldn't, but that doesn't explain my dilemma. I just can't decide what to believe anymore...

It was these thoughts that ran threw my mind. These words that I spoke in an array of emotions... To my relief, amidst it all, I finally could move again. Like my brain had stopped focusing on dwelling. As if I ran out of energy for it. I dropped an arm from the glass and raised my head, looking out the capital. "One last time." I said, semi-convincing myself, but then something adjacent to my sight caught my eyes. The Sun. (or whatever it's supposed to be) I reminisced about something. It reminded me of a time I was in shallow waters. I stood attentively as the sun gleamed at me. I remember the twitch of my eyes and the currents of the beach, the expressive movement of water enveloping me, soothing me as I battled the tropical heat. I remember the touch of sand on my feet, I remember handing my parents' necklaces and attending as they exchanged pendants, and I relive seeing them renewing their vows with lively smiles. It was the most profound example parents could make. Just that genuineness alone made my day. And it was quite something how kuya Felix had positioned himself to take photographs as souvenirs. It was such a wholesome memory and if I could, I would release a tear of joy at the thought. That was what I needed, it reinforced my fidelity. My faith. "I shall honor my mother and fathers examples. I shall prevail... Their legacy will be remembered!" I said, my voice crackling. The drama hit home. "I will believe and commit. I will not back down. I am made in the image and likeness of God. My purpose is to know, love and serve God in this life and the next... I quiet the tension in my heart. I instilled peace in my mind. I recollected on my purpose and true self. I extinguished anything in my heart robbing me of Gods word. I decided to interact with God with my mind, heart and soul... I prayed... "My God... I need your grace. I need your consolation. I need a heart at peace, a focused gaze, my thoughts on you... Thank you for all your works. Thank you for this wonderful sorrow." I said, as my eyes shuttered furrowing. "I renounce this very dumb trauma!" I said clamorously with conviction and clarity of mind.