My story.

The Beginning.

Hi, I dont know where to begin so I'm going to tell you about myself. 

I'm a teenage girl, I'm a freshman now. I love Lana del Rey and the color black, I love making my own frapuccinos and I'm a art major and I like playing music like singing or playing the piano even though i'm not that good. 

My trouble started when I was in the first grade, It's when the bullying started. It wasn't harsh just the typical teasing and the "No one likes you," bullshit. I always stayed by myself and I didnt really have that many friends. Anyways things stayed the same till I moved in the fifth grade where everyone lied and said they would miss me. Even a girl who I hated very much acted so fake and acted like she would actually miss me. Ha total bullshit. 

When I came to my new town, I met my best friend and things started looking up for a change. But little did my ten year old self know she was in for a world of hell and torment. I was teased nothing unusual. Sixth grade came along and I was bullied pretty badly. I was excluded and people would push me into walls or hit me. Once in class this guy stabbed me with a pen and 3 years later I still have the scar and I couldn't even walk for like two days. I was blamed for being hurt and the teachers looked at me like I was crazy. I was always in the guidance office and they were practically my therapists. I started cutting when I was 11 and it was late in the sixth grade. 

In the sixth grade I was also cyber bullied which for some of you might think thats not so bad its just on the internet ya know? but it was horrible. Here's the short version of it.

It was my 12th birthday and I woke up and checked my instagram, Anyways I see this account called Katyperry103 and I checked it out because I was pretty confused and anyways, what do I see, my picture with a caption saying "Im so pretty omg love me." and anyways I got so much hate on my birthday. Most people receive birthday messages yeah I get death threats and "You're a bitch." comments on my instagram. And it wasnt like 2 or 10 comments yeah no. It was about 300 comments total. Happy birthday to me. My birthday is in the summer right? so I had the opportunity to drown myself. Sadly a life guard saved me and I lived. They assumed I couldnt swim but I used to take swimming practice so they were wrong. 

Anyways seventh grade came along and I pretty much stopped cutting for a while. But I met someone who I fell in love with. We met formally in the fifth grade after he came up to me while I was standing by the swingset and he came up to me. I guess he saw that I was lonely, he was nice like that always sweet. But anyways seventh grade came along and we got pretty close, We would walk to the bus together and talk about our day or some new movie that came out. He made me happy, I dont know I guess having someone like him lifted my spirits. And on the last day he came up to me and he hugged me. I was kinda taken by surprise, But in eighth grade our friendship kinda got rocky. He was hanging out with the wrong crowd and I was trying to protect him because I already had experience with that type of crowd. He got mad at me a bunch of times and we argued a lot. Then at some point he just snapped and said he never wanted to talk to me again. Also at the time my first boyfriend broke up with me. Great timing! (Not really) I was heart broken and My eating disorder and depression had gotten even worse. 

I had developed an eating disorder but I was never diagnosed because my mother thought this was a "phase" but anyways In the beginning of the eighth grade I weighed 120lbs which is normal for my age and height but for me it was impending doom. I was upset with myself and I hated every inch of myself. I started starving myself and exercising more. I lost about 25lbs, I now weigh 97lbs and I still think thats not enough. I eat sometimes but not as much as a normal person. No one really ever helped and most people made fun of me, whether its my weight or my personality or style. Or maybe they dont even have  a reason and they just call me ugly and worthless. I guess they're right because I mean no one ever really loved me. My parents call me crazy and a disappointment and my mom is always complaining about my weight which makes me even more depressed. I guess she's right. I hate my thighs and just myself in general.

I want to be happy but I like being sad it keeps my mind in reality.

I have attempted suicide 3 times 

cut all over my thighs and left wrist and on my hips 

starved for over 2 years (2-3 days and then eat like 600 calories in between)

I would tell you more but some things are too hard to relive 

like last week was my birthday (7/6/15) and on my ask.fm someone was telling me to kill myself and thats when I went to the guy who I was in love with and the one from the fifth grade I'm just going to call him (A) he was pretty helpful he made me smile a couple times like when he told me to fake my death and make them eat their words. Or how I should get payback on all the bitches who made my life hell. He makes me smile. He's now my "partner in crime" not really but we have a lot of inside jokes. 

But now I'm moving and its over 1000 miles away and I dont want to leave my friends and family but my parents tell me to suck it up and deal with it. 

A/N this is probably going to be a blog or a online diary idk but please dont comment hateful things.