ambivalence (kellic)

Chapter 5

Kellin's POV

I decide to ditch catching the bus with Tyler after school. I made up some lie earlier about having tutoring to avoid getting questioned by him. Honestly, I doubt that he believed me, but he was too engrossed in learning more about Michael to really care. I didn't mind; I was kind of a weird friend to have anyway. 

For example, sometimes I slip into these really dark periods of time that I can't get out of. I lose energy and feel tired for what feels like forever whenever it happens. I just suddenly start feeling horrible about myself and it disgusts me. It disgusts me how much of a waste I seem to be. 

I'd get feelings similar to those when I was younger, but they were easier to deal with when Vic was around. I don't like pressuring Robin, or Tyler, or anyone with it now because I've kind of gotten used to it. It's a bit sad though, isn't it? To give up on getting help and just accepting the pain? I wish I could say I'm numb to it by now, but the pain continues to sink its teeth into my heart. 

This feeling will pass soon, like it always does, but that doesn't mean I like experiencing it. I stopped telling my parents about it after they threatened to take me to a therapist. Normally that would've sounded like the perfect remedy, a one-way ticket to happiness. I almost agreed to it too until I realized my parents were more concerned with the fact that there was something wrong with me rather than being concerned with my actual well-being. They didn't want their son to be some "sad psychopath", as my dad called it. All I did was share my feelings to the two people I thought I could trust after Vic and they treated me like I was insane. For months they watched me under careful eyes and condescendingly talked to me as if I was a child again.  It was awful to go through especially without my best friend to tell me things would get better.

I lean back against a tree near the school's parking lot gently situating myself on the dry grass. I close my eyes and feel the wind caress my face. As much as I'd like to say I was out here to enjoy nature or whatever, that was a lie. Every Thursday afternoon, Vic and his friends would play soccer in this parking lot. His friends would keep him company until they had to leave for soccer practice. Each time they met there his friends would always ask why he wouldn't join the team, and each time I'm here by this tree listening to Vic make up some dumb excuse about grades or some nonexistent injury.

Another thing I know about Vic is that he's too modest for his own good. He rarely admits when he's good at something, and soccer is one of the many things he's good at. 

I smile to myself hearing his laughs and chants while he kicks the ball to his buddies. His laugh was one of the few things that could cheer me up within seconds. This abundance of good feelings quickly diminishes when the ball comes flying towards me. Thankfully I catch it avoiding embarrassment, but Vic is burning holes into me and it makes me freeze up. I stare at him like a deer in headlights before throwing the ball to one of his friends and running away. Before I'm out of earshot I hear them call me names and talk about how weird I am. None of the comments belonged to Vic though, oddly enough. 

I start my long walk home but stop when my phone beeps from my pocket. It's a text from Tyler telling me to head over to the parking garage because there's announcements from Austin going on and they're not exactly "good" announcements either. I bite my lip and change my route to where the other Nightcreepers are. Like I said before, Austin can get pretty scary...

When I get there, Austin is just finishing up and I look around to see faces of irritation and worry. Alan sees me and pulls me aside from the crowd I was walking towards. 

"What's going on?" I ask as Alan's eyes dart from left to right.

"Austin was talking about how we need to keep our eyes open around here more often. The Daytrotters are expanding and normally it wouldn't be a big deal because they've done it before, but they're coming closer to the bridge. They have a different way of providing for themselves than we do...They sell drugs, which means that the expansion gives them more access to dealers. And where's the fresh batch of drug dealers? Our side of town. I think they're planning to cross the bridge and make profit on our side and that cannot happen. If they screw up, we're going to get blamed and that's not something any of us can afford..." He rambles nervously.