ambivalence (kellic)

Chapter 8

(A/N: Hey here's a quick little update! Been busy because of school but I'll update again this week if not today or tomorrow! Hope you like it)

Vic's POV

I glance at my reflection in the rearview mirror of my car before getting a sinking feeling in my body. My eyes look so tired and so... empty.

I've had my fair share of sad days, but I've never felt empty before, no that's new. I try to ignore the feeling as I drive knowing regret is sure to come. Days like this are never good days. Days where I don't feel like myself are not good days for me at all. I've got this sort of unspoken reputation for being a "leader" or being "encouraging" or even "inspirational" at times, and right now I'm drawing blanks. I feel blank. I feel nothing.

With a deep breath, I park my car in hopes that seeing other people will somehow get rid of or at least stall the emptiness. My feet trudge against the ground like anchors as I make my way to Oli's van. All day I've been unable to focus because of this burden awaiting me. It's the same routine every other week.

For Oli, Wednesdays are "pick up days" and he loves getting everyone involved. He likes sharing his weekly fix so he doesn't feel so guilty about how much he buys. If he wouldn't have gotten addicted in the first place, he could've stopped by now.

"Hey it's Fuentes! You're a bit later than usual, mate. No worries though, you haven't missed much." He shouts before placing a bottle to his lips.

"Yeah just got a little tired on the drive I guess. Where's Mike?" I peeked inside the van looking for my little brother.

"Look in the back. He was taking a nap earlier." suggests McKinnon from the side of the van. I pull open the back doors of the van and sure enough my little brother is wrapped in a blanket.

"Mikey, hey, wake up." I lightly shake his scrawny arms.

"Hey, Vic, I didn't think you'd come. Oh hey Gaskarth is gonna drive me home by the way. Mom and Dad are out visiting grandma tonight right?" He yawns as he takes the blankets off.

"Yeah they won't be back until morning..."

I take a seat next to my brother inside the van as Oli climbs in next to us. His nimble fingers rummage through a pile of small plastic bags until he finds the one he wants. He grins before passing the bag to Alex who started rolling up some for Oli, Mike, and himself. The guys know I don't smoke, so Oli passes me a bottle instead.

Within seconds clouds of smoke float through the van causing my head to hurt. I really hate that they keep doing this. It's not a big deal, I know that, but I always feel a twinge of guilt especially when Mike joins in.

Eventually more of the guys we hang out with came and smoked as they pleased. They surrounded Mike as if they'd been friends for years when they'd never even talked to him before. Mikey was known around here for being my little brother, nothing more. Ever since he found out about the whole "gang" thing he's been whining and begging to be a part of it. I always tell Oli not to even think about letting Mike get involved, but I know my brother will find a loophole somehow.

Loud laughs echo through the evening as a crowd forms around the van. It's easy to pick out who's drunk, who's high, who's sober, and who's faking. I used to find fun in people-watching at little events like this, but now it just upsets me. It made me sick to my stomach seeing my baby brother get high with a bunch of idiots who won't remember his name tomorrow.

The van reeked of alcohol and I personally had a little more than I wanted, but Oli was so determined to get me to drink with him. It reminds me of a conversation I had with him a while ago. He told me that he never really drinks for fun. He said it's his pain reliever. Judging by how much he's drank tonight, I'd say there's definitely something bothering him, but he's not the kind of person that likes opening up about personal problems. He's fine with listening to what's wrong in other people's lives, but when it comes to his own, I'm not sure he even likes thinking about it.

Really I'm the only person he has to confide in. He's been through so much throughout his life, and he trusts me to keep quiet about all of it. He lives with his aunt and uncle because his parents sent him away for being disobedient and unruly or something like that. To me it sounded ridiculous that his own parents would send him 5,000 miles away, but he's never told me how he feels about it. I know that he must be hurting and I wish he'd just keep talking to me instead of relying on drugs and drinking.

I guess you can't save everyone.

"Fuentes, you alright dude?" says Sam as she watches me crawl out of the van. I scan her face and notice how her eyes glow in the sun's fading light. She might be one of the only sober people here at this point.

"Hmm? Yeah I uh I'm good. I'm fine." I try to sound confident but I know she sees through it.

"Come on, what's up? Is it Mike?" She quietly asks as we walk over to a deserted part of the lot we're in.

"Kinda yeah...I hate when he does this stuff and when he hangs around us. I'm overprotective I guess and I don't like him getting into trouble you know? I'm supposed to be a good big brother and I'm not..." I breathe out my sorrows to her.

"Mike thinks you're a great brother, Vic, he told me how you're always looking out for him. He really looks up to you from what I've seen. Oli won't let him get hurt though, you know that. Now what else is up?" she advises and I feel my tension lessen at her words.

"What do you mean?"

"It's a girl isn't it. There's a girl on your mind isn't there?" She smirks and I laugh.

"Definitely not a girl that's for sure..."

"It's that dark haired guy then, right? The one that gets into trouble around here?"

I freeze in place.

Dark haired guy.

Dark haired trouble.

Dark haired enemy.

Dark haired boy that I wish I-

"So it is him then? What's the story between you two anyway? What are you like secret lovers or something?" She teases me.

"No... We uh we used to be best friends. It's so stupid. He thinks I hate him. Honestly I thought I did at one point, but I could never hate him, Sam...I messed up and it makes me so mad." I grumble grabbing my hair in frustration.

"You should do something about it then. I mean if you want to. He seems like he's not over it and clearly you aren't either."

I've continuously tried to ignore Kellin, but in the end I just end up thinking more about him. I can't run away from the past which just so happens to be embodied as some boy I wanted to forget about.

"It's not that simple, Sam. The damage is done. I couldn't fix it if I wanted to. I'm a Daytrotter, he's a Nightcreeper, we can't be friends or... anything." I mumble not sure what I meant by "anything"...

"Rules are stupid and we break them anyway. What makes this rule so different?"

"Saaaaaam!" We hear Oli's distant drunken voice cut through our conversation.

"Oh god. I'll see you later Fuentes. Think about what I said ok?"

And that's what I did. I thought and thought about it on the mundane drive home until my headache came back. Once again I was left empty like the bottles that littered the ground. Empty like the promises I made as a kid.