The War Hammer of Hogwarts - Harry Potter

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Since the disastrous episode of the pixies, Lockhart hadn't brought live creatures to class.  Instead, he read passages from his own books to us, and sometimes re-enacted some of the more dramatic bits.  He usually picked Harry to help him with these reconstructions.  So far, Harry had been forced to play a simple Transylvanian villager whom Lockhart had cured of a Babbling Curse, a yeti with a head cold, and a vampire who had been unable to eat anything except lettuce since Lockhart had dealt with him.  He tried to pick me a few times, but quickly learned that I would always refuse.  Harry was hauled to the front of the class during our very next Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson, this time acting a werewolf.  If he hadn't had a very good reason for keeping Lockhart in a good mood, he would have refused to do it.

Lockhart: Nice loud howl, Harry, exactly.  And then, if you'll believe it, I pounced, like this!

YN: I really don't.

Pieck giggled and Ron nearly fell over silently laughing.

Lockhart: I slammed him to the floor with one hand, I managed to hold him down!  With my other, I put my wand to his throat!  I then screwed up my remaining strength and performed the immensely complex Homorphus Charm.  He let out a piteous moan, go on, Harry.  Higher than that... good!  The fur vanished, the fangs shrank, and he turned back into a man.  Simple, yet effective!  And another village will remember me forever as the hero who delivered them from the monthly terror of werewolf attacks.

The bell rang and Lockhart got to his feet.

Lockhart: Homework!  Compose a poem about my defeat of the Wagga Wagga werewolf!  Signed copies of "Magical Me" to the author of the best one!

The class began to leave.  Harry returned to the back of the room, where Ron, Hermione, Pieck, and I were waiting.

Harry: Ready?

Hermione: Wait till everyone's gone.

YN: Maybe I could write letters to these people he's saved.  See if any of them even know who he is.

After everyone had left, we approached Lockhart's desk, Hermione clutching a piece of paper in her hand.

Hermione: Er, Professor Lockhart?  I wanted to get this book out of the library.  Just for background reading.

She held out the piece of paper, her hand shaking slightly.

Hermione: But the thing is, it's in the Restricted Section of the library, so I need a teacher to sign for it.  I'm sure it would help me understand what you say in "Gadding with Ghouls" about slow acting venoms...

Lockhart: Ah, "Gadding with Ghouls"!

He took the note from Hermione and smiled widely at her.

Lockhart: Possibly my very favorite book.  You enjoyed it?

Hermione: Oh, yes!  Very clever, the way you trapped that last one with the tea strainer...

Lockhart: Well, I'm sure no one will mind me giving the best student in the year a little extra help.

He pulled out an enormous peacock quill.  Ron looked disgusted, but Lockhart apparently misread his face.

Lockhart: Yes, quite nice isn't it?  I usually save it for book signings.

He scrawled an enormous loopy signature on the note and handed it back to Hermione.

Lockhart: So, Harry!  Tomorrow's the first Quidditch match of the season, I believe?  Gryffindor against Slytherin, is it not?  I hear you're a useful player.  I was a Seeker, too.  I was asked to try for the National Squad, but preferred to dedicate my life to the eradication of the Dark Forces.  Still, if ever you feel the need for a little private training, don't hesitate to ask.  Always happy to pass on my expertise to less able players!