𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐓𝐇 𝐈𝐓 ➛ ryusae

chpt 8 - sae

Except Sae didn't sleep that night. Not one wink. Whilst Shidou passed out beside him, he couldn't help but admire him. The night that they just had—it kept Sae up, shaken and left in a deep state of thought.

He spent the whole night staring at himself in the reflection of Shidou's TV, with one hand on Shidou's back as he rubbed circles onto his bare skin.

Strange as it was, for Itoshi Sae to be willingly spending the night in Shidou's dorm, choosing not to leave, choosing to stay and look after him... he found he didn't actually mind it at all. 

Maybe he was overthinking things, or he was just tired, but the words Shidou we're mumbling yesterday before he was about to dose off replayed in his mind.

"I'm not always joking, you know? About the stuff I say. About you."

He wondered exactly what Shidou meant. Deep down, Sae knew what he was trying to get at, but something in him didn't want to accept it. He was doubting himself. Surely he didn't mean what he was thinking. Sae was unlikeable, anyway. 

He thought he was stupid to think Shidou meant otherwise.

Now after he came to that conclusion, he sat there for the rest of the night, contemplating why he'd ever thought he was indicating something else.

That's just his personality... as if he'd actually mean anything he says.

Sae brought his free hand to his face, rubbling his temples with his fingers. He leant his head back and closed his eyes, bracing himself against the wave of unfamiliar emotions surging within him.

He shifted slightly, his hand still resting on Shidou's back. Shidou stirred at the touch, mumbling something incoherent before falling back into a deeper sleep, and Sae felt a strange pang at the ease with which Shidou let himself be vulnerable. The irony wasn't lost on him. Shidou was usually the one on the attack, tearing through boundaries with reckless abandon, yet somehow he could let his guard down in a way that Sae had never dared to.

It was absurd, Sae told himself, feeling as if he was standing on a precipice with no idea whether he'd survive the fall. He'd always seen relationships as distractions, meaningless attachments that would just hold him back from the goals he'd set for himself. Yet here he was, in this room he never should have stepped foot in, unable to leave.

As the morning rolled around, and the sun started to peep through the large sliding glass door Shidou had in his dorm. Sae had completely lost track of time. He was too immersed in his own thoughts to realise that dawn was breaking.

A sliver of light crawled across the room, illuminating Shidou's profile. His normally mischievous expression was soft, vulnerable in the pale morning glow. Sae felt his breath hitch. There was a small, unguarded smile at the corner of Shidou's lips.

Sae looked away, trying to dispel the warmth spreading across his face. This isn't supposed to mean anything, he told himself. It's just... a moment. It'll pass.

And yet he couldn't shake Shidou's words. "I'm not always joking."

The light cast a gentle glow across Shidou's face. The shadows and contours of his face looked different in the warm light, and for a moment, Sae felt mesmerized. Shidou's messy hair caught the golden morning light, framing his face in a way that made him seem almost unreal, like something out of a dream.

He couldn't help but reach out, tracing his fingers just above Shidou's skin, hovering in hesitation as though touching would shatter the fragile serenity of this moment.

In that quiet stillness, with the world waking up around them, Sae let himself look. Really look. But now, he couldn't deny it any longer.

He was drawn to Shidou.