𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐓𝐇 𝐈𝐓 ➛ ryusae

chpt 38 ➛ sae

"I miss you so fucking much..."

The moment those words left Shidou's mouth, something inside Sae shook. A tremor— somewhere deep enough to echo in his chest and throughout his whole body.

The last thread inside Sae—already fraying, already hanging by a breath—finally snapped.

A voice with usually so much life, so much energy radiating from such simple words.
He hadn't expected it.

Because he heard it. Not just the words, but everything underneath them. The exhaustion, the ache, the weight of holding something together with bare hands and stubborn hope. 

The thing about Shidou was, he always joked. He always turned things into something light—kissed the pain on its forehead and laughed in its face. But this wasn't a joke. There wasn't a single trace of bravado in the way he'd said it.

That he couldn't do this much longer.

And suddenly... Sae couldn't either.

It had been a few days since he'd sat down in that sterile boardroom, nodding along to agents and managers and legal teams while they praised his decision to extend the contract. "Smart move," they'd said. "Long-term vision. You're going to build something legendary here."

He'd smiled. Shaken hands. Signed his name on the line.

But every single day since then, it had clawed at him. Gnawed at him slowly. A regret he hadn't fully formed until tonight.

What am I doing?

He said to himself. A thought so loud in the silence of his mind that it made him visibly realise something.

What the hell am I doing?

What was he doing signing those papers? Staying here? Chasing something that was starting to feel less like ambition and more like escape? He'd told himself this was for his career, for the bigger picture—but what the hell did any of it matter if every day he spent in Spain was tearing Shidou down piece by piece?

They were supposed to be in this together. Loving someone from across an ocean wasn't supposed to feel like this—like a constant war between guilt and distance. He'd left Japan to grow, to become something better, but lately... all it felt like was losing. Every conversation with Shidou came with something left unsaid, some crack they danced around like glass under their feet.

Sae closed his eyes, a shaky breath escaping his lips.

"I need to go," he said into the phone, voice clipped.

There was a pause on the other end. He could almost hear Shidou's confusion start to form into a question—but he didn't let it.

He just hung up.

No goodbye. No explanation. Just silence.

He stared at the screen for a second, almost waiting for himself to regret it. But instead, his fingers moved before he could even think.

He opened a text thread with Luna.

Please, don't kill me

That was all he typed.

Then he threw his phone onto the bed, stood up, and crossed the room in three quick steps.

His suitcase was still in the closet. He hadn't bothered to really settle in—maybe a part of him never intended to. Maybe some part of him had been waiting for this moment.

And now that it was here, he didn't hesitate.

One by one, he pulled everything off the hangers. Folded what he could, stuffed what he couldn't. His hands moved fast, maybe too fast. Not out of panic—but out of conviction. Like if he paused even for a second, something would stop him. Logic, guilt, maybe even pride.