AUTHOR POV
After four years
Redemption, grief, disgust, helplessness, insanity these all the feelings that consumed aaditya for four years, he felt on verge to die, the spirit to live and do were long gone from him.
His looks deteriorated, he lost weight, his face lost the glow and right fat that made him looked handsome in the past, his cheeks adorned with the hollowness, he looked totally different from what he was.
The glory and the power were slowly slipping from the thakur's hand like sand, aaditya lost the reason to live and he is dying inside.
It was brave of him to let her go and live away from him far away from him, her departure took the soul in him, he was sure in regret and pain too, he had a hope that she might look the little child in him that craves her attention too.
Giving the whole decision to savitri he felt good for the first time in there marriage for her happiness but the act of bravery soon started to turn into his misery.
The feeling of being a father to a child, the same child he wanted so bad, the child who would be a symbol of love and compassion between the pure symbolism to the pure bond aditya and savitri shared.
He too had many plan the first time he got the news of child, sure he was angry on her, it was his right to know he was equally involved in the deed, he knew he could be a worst husband maybe could be a bad father but he tried everything to be good, but he didn't let her show that he knows because he felt the guilt of ruining her to such an extent that she didn't wanted to tell him herself.
His sons first action, first step, first word, first laugh, he too wanted to be equally there, but the trauma of killing an innocent child killed him inside. He heard voices in his head mocking and reminding the truly disgusting man he is.
The very trauma when he saw any infant got triggered again and again, he ran away from.those infants,in his fear he ordered everyone not bring any child no where near him, he saw red blood on his hand every time he saw children, he washed his hand again and again but the blood didn't wash off, the sole reason he was named to be a monster among the people, who thought that's why his wife left him, he was misunderstood by everyone, he wasn't that cruel to hate children, for god sake he is father himself he became a loner.
The already dead aaditya, chose an easy option to just let go of his emotions in front of others,not letting anyone see the broken him, he never smiled, never cried, never spoke more than required, never showed his anger, he went silent, from inside as well outside.
He just stopped everything, stop feeling, stop working, stop giving a shit about anyone, savitri went away but took him away too far away from him.
Aaditya tried to suicide many time, he never expressed anything to anyone, what he felt, what he wanted, what trauma he is going inside him remains inside him deeply buried.
He lost his sanity, he lost the reason to live, a broken man he is, it started with cutting his wrist for the first time, to escape what he was feeling inside when he was in study but chandini found him sitting on his sofa hand fully blooded.
He felt good with that feeling, he sat there while the blood slowly seeped out of his wrist, his study room was totally dark only the moonlight from the window showed the state of the brokenness he was going through.
He was almost going to escape the pain of regret, anger, sadness, helplessness, Disgust, madness, but the damned woman entered his study without his permission and called the vaid again without his permission and saving his life.
He started loathing the damn woman, she saved his life so many times not letting him get the freedom he badly wanted at the time.
More than hating chandini, he started to feel bitter about the sole woman who was behind his misery, SAVITRI, it's the obvious human nature to blame others than yourself it's what easy your pain right.
Aaditya stood in front of the mirror in his bedroom where that the woman he loved the most use to sit and get ready in beautiful, bright colors adding those bright colors to his life too.
But now she is gone, the only colors he was left with are white, black and red the white color that was for how blant his marriage was, the black that consumed him in darkness, the red that he adore the most that always use to decorate her partition but now the same red use to decorate his body.
Taking the small knife tucked in his white dhoti (lower) he takes it out and he slit his abdomen again this night.
Cutting himself was now a routine where aaditya daily stood in front of the mirror cutting himself a little everyday with the same thought linger his mind.
Does she wears the same sindoor in her partition for him like she use too or she is wearing that for any other man who is not him, does she smile like she use to smile before she met him, how his child look now, did she told him about him, his father, did he ever called 'papa' Or asked about him, what did they did together , how they lived with each other, how ot felt to have a child these all questions lingered in his mind everytime, everyday, every moment.
Aaditya sat on his bed the blood seeped out his abdomen, taking a glass of alcohol, he lit his cigarette, the pain he felt inside emotionally, slowly started to fade away as he consumed himself in intoxication of alcohol and physical pain.
He was broken, he was dead, he was finished, the people who use to never raise there eyes in front of him, were mocking him but it didn't really brother him anymore, he drank until he didn't pass out, after savitri went away he destroyed himself slowly now he was an absolute alcoholic, he wanted to die and he knows he soon will the amount of alcohol he consumed daily will make him die out of kidneys failure soon, that what aaditya thakur waited for.
