AUTHOR POV
Morning rays fell on the Haggard face of aaditya, who scrunched his face because of sun's bright light, finally he opened his eyes, squinting his eyes he adjust to the lighting of his bedroom.
He sat on his bed and rubbed his head because of the pain on his head, grabbing the bottle from the table near his bed he started sipping the bitter alcohol early in the morning.
After he emptied his half bottle he got up and moved inside his bathroom, taking of his dhoti he stood naked in the shower, his body looked like a skeleton.
The cold water ran above his head, cooling his head and clearing his thoughts, the moment he woke up her thoughts consumed, her walk, her smile, her way of talking, her little acts acting like a fiesty kitten in front of him, a soft vibration felt on his chest as he laughed remember the pain she used to cause his junior when she used to kick.
Grabbing his member which had gone hard by now, he strokes himself, four years he didn't let any woman come near though there were many time chandini tried to grab his attention but failed miserably, any woman couldn't satisfy the hunger and thirst of aaditya thakur like she did, the woman who gave his heart and mind the peace to whom now he hated.
He wasn't able to forget her, the love she gave him was enough for him but he knew he lacked behind, she is truly a gem where he remained a normal stone in front of her, hating her was rather easier than loving her, but he just tried to play mind games with him self that he now hate her, because hating her was the most difficult task for him.
If he did really hate her so much, he wouldn't be going hard with the thought of her not stroking himself in the shower, his consciousness always mocked him for this, truly a disgusting man he is.
Finishing everything, he looked in the mirror, he was naked, but the glory he use to hold was long gone away from him, truly outer beauty isn't forever, aaditya justified this statement, he looked pathetic.
Grabbing a cigarette from the selve and lit it up with the help of a lighter , he inhaled the toxins of the stick from his mouth, closing his eyes he let himself in the state of ecstasy for some moments, looking his poor self he saw a broken man in the mirror whose body was filled with scars and marks turning black and blue, the same marks he caused himself by his small knife he bought personally for him.
Aaditya thakur is in depression, he is in regret, he is in a loop hole of sadness, that trapped his once powerful personality which is now stolen from him and is lost in this darkness that consumed him completely, the trauma he got from lost of chandini's child made him suicidal.
He was in a Pleasurable cycle of self harm, where he killed him everyday, every moment, the pleasure he got for some seconds, were taking him away from his reality, the truth was the pleasure he got for some time, is the reason why he is falling and trapped in this loop, which never left him even he tried too
He was thought to be strong, independent, powerful, dominant, cold and distant, thats what made him masculine and gave him the unbeatable power over everyone else, that's what was rooted in him from the very birth by his grandfather and father, that's what the lineage demanded him to do, and there was nothing wrong in it, he was just a product of what society deemed him to be.
Never show your feelings to others, never cry like a girl in front of others, don't share your weakness to anyone in the world people will take advantage of you, be strict to your self and stricter to your woman, keep your emotions to yourself don't share it like a lousy woman these all the word that shaped the rooting of aaditya thakur that made him a sarkaar of the village, that made him powerful, that made him different and above from other men of the village.
He followed the words that shaped his subconscious with brutality, but nobody shared the way out of it of he lost everything in his life because of the words that gave him power, nobody shared to him how to undo all the emotions he inhabited, nobody told him the way out when you are in guilt.
What to do when you regret whatever you did with your wife, what to do when you murdered an innocent fron your hands, what to do make everything right, what to do when you become a loner, and want anybody to be with you, should he ask for help, should he share it with someone what if it made him weak, should he go behind his savitri and share his dilemma and beg for forgiveness and a chance to correct everything, should he find peace with chandini, the woman who saved him so many times, but dying was aaditya thakur reached to the conclusion.
so he slowly killed himself with the pain that burdens his chest, the pain he felt weak in front, the pain that made him bow down and surrender him, the pain that made him helpless, the pain that closed all the doors of hope in his life, the pain that made him lost, the pain that gave him schizophrenia, the pain that mocked him daily, the pain that took him in world where he saw everybody Mocking and abusing him, the same pain that made him loose his mind and sanity.
Aaditya thakur in four years was depressed, alone,suicidal with mind that worked against, him, he was going insane as each day passed, he started visualizing the unreal things, blooded tray of chandini's child, the sweet voice of the child he killed, the sad voice of his child all followed him everywhere he goes both not leaving a single chance to torment him, accusing him for being a bad father, bad husband, bad son, bad friend bad person, he badly wanted an escape but found none.
