Qurban

•07• Mirage / سراب

Zainab had been holed up in the kitchen since fajr. She woke up after another terrifying nightmare of hers. It was the same. The same abyss of darkness, the same stretch of loneliness, the same quiet of the horrible empty void. She remembered waking up covered in beads of sweats and mind completely out of sorts. She always had nightmares after Hammad's death. But they subsided after she started her sessions with her doctor. They stopped for a while, but now they were back.

With a vengeance.

She didn't know what triggered them, but they were back. Terrorizing her, paralyzing her, hurting her. She didn't know how to put a stop to them. She tried taking sleeping pills, but they made her feel lethargic and tired so she dropped the idea. She needed to ask her doctor for alternative. It couldn't go on. She couldn't bear to see those nightmares anymore. She hated them. Hated how they made her feel.

Guilty.

They made her feel guilty and though she was, hundred percent she was guilty, she didn't want it in her face. May be she was selfish. May be she is selfish. That's why these nightmares weren't leaving her alone. Reminding her of who she truly was.

Rotten and sick.

Her hand shook and the rolling pin slipped from her hand before falling to the floor. It danced around the floor for a bit on the ground and she hurriedly hunched to stop the annoyingly loud noise it was making. Putting it back on the counter, she sighed. Praying no one in the house was disturbed. After a few more minutes when no one came, she heaved a sigh of relief and get back to her work, shaking any thoughts about the nightmares and the other thing.

She walked to the refrigerator and took out the strawberry jam she hand made a few days ago. Taking it out, she spread the dough on the counter and lather it with the jam. Taking a cookie cutter, she cut the dough into circular shaped biscuits and lined them all up on a baking tray. Taking the tray she put it inside the oven which she preheated before and started working on the second batch.

One and a half hour later, she was done with her fourth and final batch and packed them into air tight containers. She lined the rows of boxes on the counter and her heart felt lighter. In a very long time, a small of a smile touched her lips and she felt her mind get calm.

"What is that heavenly smell?"

Jaweria's voice reached her ears and Zainab pointed toward the cookies. Jaweria eyed her work and gave her a soft smile.

"I see someone's in a good mood."

Zainab didn't do all of that because she was in a good mood. But she didn't tell her that. Jaweria worry a lot about her, so she didn't want her to anymore. So she played along, no matter how worse of an idea it was.

Hope was good.
False hope was poisonous.

But one tender smile from Jaweria made all the rational thoughts vanish from her brain.

"I'll distribute all of these in the orphanage."

She softly spoke while taking her brown apron off. Jaweria nodded and walked over to her. Putting her hand on her cheek, she told her

"Go get fresh. I'll prepare you a nice breakfast."

Zainab nodded and went upstairs in her room. Walking to her closet, she eyed the choices she had between her dresses. Her hand leisurely roamed around all the hanged clothes before coming to a stop at a vibrant red dress. A previous memory hit her out of nowhere and crashed down on her

"Wear that red dress. You always take my breath away when you wear red."

She stumbled back as if the cloth caught fire. Her back of feet hit the bed and she slid down. Folding her knees to her chest, she wrapped her arms around herself seeking comfort she knew was non existent. The previous joyous mood of her was brandish with sourness now. Salty tears escaped her eyes and she felt them trailing down her cheeks and soaking into her arms. She felt her chest constricting. Her lungs felt empty of oxygen. Her heart beat wildly. And for the umpteenth time again