From Aliya to Hafiz

Forty-nine.

Hafiz.

Aliya refuses to speak to me.

The following day after the incident with Bailey, she told me she didn't want to see me. Scared I would set her off, I had asked her to contact me if she wanted anything.

She didn't lock her room and allowed me free entry. I thought her locking the door was the worst way she could show her indifference to me but I was wrong. Her not making an effort was the deadliest blow she could deal me. Because it was like she didn't want to waste her emotions on me.

I would enter her room whenever I got back from work and just sit next to her, but she didn't respond to my presence or acknowledge my words. I thought it was her way of rebelling against me, then sneered at myself.

She didn't care enough to do that.

But then she started having nightmares, I would hear her screams from my room and it was the most terrifying thing I'd ever experienced. The first time it happened, I sprained my ankle in my rush to get to her, thinking something happened.

Then I entered her room and saw her thrashing around on her bed, crying hysterically. And at that moment, my heart shattered completely. Ever since then, I came to her bed when she was fast asleep. Whenever she woke up from the dream, she would curl into herself and cry silently, and I would hold her against me quietly.

These days, I have been reflecting on my actions a lot and I couldn't help but wonder if I had done something different, if from the beginning, I wasn't so bitter and instead tried to clear the air with my parents, would things have turned out better? If I hadn't dragged her into my problems and just treated her as a separate entity, would she have not minded loving me?

Would she have wanted to love me?

I had been too scared to delve into my emotions because subconsciously, I knew what the tingle in my chest and the joy of being with her represented. The way I was always fixated on her and watching her every move, deciphering her every expression, everything, I knew what they meant.

Just as I reached this realisation, I understood she had also reached her breaking point. It was in the way she jerked awake at night and sat in a daze, staring at nothing. The way I would come into her room and see her lying in the dark, staring at nothing.

My heart would constrict painfully whenever I saw her like this, but it hurt even more when I thought of her going away from here. At least I could see her and keep her company, even if my company was the last thing she needed. When she's gone, I will lose her.

Even though I never had her.

I heard a whimper before I felt her jerk in my arms. Her eyes snapped open and she gasped, looking around wildly.

Heart breaking, I drew her into me. "I'm here, Lia. You're safe."

Her trembling body slowly eased and she leaned further into me. "Hafiz..." she whispered.

"Mm, I'm here," I gently caressed her back before kissing her forehead. I knew she woke up from a nightmare again, it had happened more times than I could count. Anytime she jerked awake in a panic, I wished I could go back in time and torture those sons of bitches. I let them off too easily for what they did to her.

Her hands held me tighter and she breathed me in like she always did. I hoped she found comfort in my presence just like I did in hers.

Soon, her breathing evened out and she fell asleep again.

When her alarm for Fajir rang, it was time for me to leave. Her eyes fell open and I leaned down and kissed her forehead. "Get up and pray."

She hummed her reply but didn't pull away from me. She stared at me quietly like she always did, as if she was engraving my image into her mind. And that made me very nervous.