It's a week later when Camila grows to hate the constellation cracks in the ceiling.
She's lying on the couch, waiting for Lauren to get home. Now Camila is the one who makes the turkey sandwiches (in some sort of metaphorical reversal of roles). She leaves Lauren's half on the counter with a smiley face napkin each night. Most of the time it's gone by morning. The bad days are the ones when Camila wakes up to find the sandwich untouched.
She's not sure if today is a good day or a bad day. She hopes it's a good day. She always does. Good days mean passing a cigarette back and forth with Lauren late at night until one of them falls asleep and the other is left to stomp out the dying embers.
But when two figures stumble through the window entrance, practically swallowing each other's faces, Camila isn't sure that good days even exist anymore. Because his fingers are tangled in Lauren's hair and his hands are moving to places they shouldn't and Camila feels so sick that she practically has to sprint out of the room to keep herself from throwing up at the sight.
So now she sits on the roof. Alone. She's gone through two packs of cigarettes today, which is a new record for her. She holds the last one between her lips, lighting it and watching as a trail of smoke dissipates into the dull night sky.
And then she's standing on the edge of the roof, picking up an old habit. The wind tickles the back of her neck as she stares out into the distance, her hands extended out to keep her balance. Something about being on the edge of death makes her feel so alive.
And suddenly she hears her name being screamed. And then she's being pulled backwards by a hand balled in her jacket (Lauren's jacket, actually). And then she's being held tightly against someone's chest. And then she feels tears staining though her clothing.
And then she realizes that the 'someone' is Lauren.
"What the hell were you thinking?!" Lauren's voice is raspy and Camila can practically feel the desperation laced in her words. She's still being held tightly against the girl's chest, and Camila wonders if this is what being needed feels like.
"You can't just leave like that!" Lauren screams, pulling them apart and holding onto Camila's shoulders. Camila winces at how hard she's gripping her skin, but when she sees the blood running down the side of Lauren's face she forgets about everything else.
"I wasn't leaving," Camila's voice is barely a whisper. Lauren stares at her for a few moments, green eyes meeting brown as both girls tried to steady out their breathing.
Camila wonders if Lauren needs her. Maybe this is like the turkey sandwich. Maybe Lauren doesn't even need to touch it. She just needs to know it's there. Camila likes her odd analogy.
"Then what were you doing?" There's tears flowing down Lauren's face and Camila has never heard her sound so weak. And it scares her. Because Lauren was the strong one. But now she was bleeding and crying and Camila doesn't know how to fix people. She doesn't. That's why everyone leaves. They all get cut on her shattered edges.
"I..." Camila stammers over her own words. She wasn't going to jump. She wasn't going to fall. But she doesn't know how to explain to Lauren that she just needed to feel. She needed to get as close to the edge as possible without jumping. She needed to be in control.
"Camila!" Lauren is still screaming. She's cupping Camila's cheeks and she's screaming. Because oh god, she can't lose her. And seeing the brown eyed girl so close to the edge had broken down all the walls that she had built up. And she needed her to know. She needed to know.
"I don't... I... I just..." Camila shakes her head, her eyes fixed on the blood that's leaving a thin trail down the side of Lauren's face. But the girl is still searching her eyes for an answer and Camila can't give her one, because what if she was going to jump? It didn't matter to her either way. Whether she lived or died, it didn't really m—
And then Lauren's lips are on hers. Lauren's lips are on hers and she's being pulled so tightly against the girl that Camila feels as if someone is pumping her heart full of oxygen and she could explode at any second. And now Lauren's fingers are in her hair and Camila's brain finally catches up with her body. And they're kissing, and they're kissing. And Camila can feel the metallic tinge of blood in her mouth but she ignores it. Because they're kissing. And oh god...
It does matter.
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covers ➸ a camren one shot
Fanfiction"And every cell in her body is screaming ‘touch her, touch her,’ but Lauren was a work of art and Camila could not ruin her. She’d already done enough of that."
