Because Of You (Elizabeth Olsen x Fem G!P Reader)

50. Always, San Diego

Y/N POV

"How are you?" Carol asked me and I only shrugged my shoulders, cause, to be honest, I didn't know how to feel, I was still stuck in my head about the situation with Lizzie in San Diego, and I don't even know how I remembered this or why I thought of it but I remembered that time after I got back from San Diego after the comic con and Lizzie and I were at dinner and I told her I slept with someone in San Diego and now San Diego was a constant between the two, I'm starting to think it's cursed, cause it always fucking San Diego. I don't know if she slept with anyone but my brain put all that together and I've been driving myself crazy thinking about it and I hate that I am.

One night. It was one night and here I was questioning almost two years of a relationship. I didn't want to doubt Lizzie, I didn't want to doubt us but this shit stayed with me, and it didn't help that Lizzie was trying to get everything back to normal but I couldn't.

I tried. I tried to put on a smile when she called. Tried to act like I wasn't driving myself insane thinking about her and it wasn't in the good way like it had been before but I felt genuinely insane. And she wasn't making it no better.

I wanted so desperately to be able to pretend like I was okay- that we were okay but we weren't and I wasn't. I know I said I wanted it back to normal- us back to normal but now I didn't know what I wanted.

"I don't know." I finally said, I didn't know how I was feeling I don't know how I was supposed to feel. I just don't fucking know. And I hate not knowing, I want to know, I want to know if I'm just driving myself insane thinking about this or if I'm not, I want to know what happened that night, she hadn't even told me so I was trying to piece it together myself.

"Well, what happened Y/N? The last time we spoke you seemed to be doing good." She asked me and my knee started to shake, and when I saw her eyes flicker to them I felt like I was doing something wrong and stopped, but my fingers drummed on my thigh.

"I don't know what happened. That's the problem." I said exasperated my voice harsh and immediately I felt bad, she wasn't the reason I was upset and I was taking it out on her. "I'm sorry." She just waved her hand a soft smile on her face. "I just don't know what's wrong and I don't like that I don't know," I said after taking a deep breath.

I wanted to say I knew what happened but I couldn't, I didn't know what happened that night, I didn't know why I was making such a big deal about this, I was just hurting myself.

"Okay, when did you start feeling like this?" She asked and I took the stress ball off the table and squeezed it.

"About three days ago, Lizzie was in San Diego for work and she didn't answer her phone all night and then she shows up the next morning and I was so confused and she didn't tell me anything but that her phone died, and I.." I trailed off taking a deep breath. "I don't know if I believe it." I hated saying that out loud it was like I was admitting to not trusting my girlfriend. "Then she told me the next morning that she made a friend but she could've told me that when I asked her what happened. Why did she wait?" I didn't even realize that my hand had squeezed the ball tighter until I looked down and saw that my nails had popped it, I looked up at Carol embarrassed but she had a small smile on her face. "I'm sorry, I'll buy you a new one." I apologized as I threw it in the trash, and took a tissue to wipe my hands.

"It's alright, Y/N." She said and I sat back down, shoving my hands into my pockets. "Did you not ask what happened that night?"

"I asked her what she did down there and she never once brought up that person until the next day, and it was only after I saw a text from her, and she looked guilty when she told me and I don't understand why— she also told me nothing happened.. why did she tell me that? I didn't think anything happened but after that, I couldn't stop thinking about it." I rambled taking a deep breath once I finished. "I just want to know why she didn't bring them up until the next day."

I looked at Carol as if she would give me all the answers and at this point, I wished she would, but I knew that was just too much and she didn't know more than what I told her.

"I can't tell you why but I can give you some advice." It wasn't what I wanted but it was something.. I guess. "Take some time.. to think.. think about your relationship with Elizabeth, think about your life.. your life five years from now, who you see, think about what you want right now, in this moment."

How the fuck am I supposed to think about what I want when I don't even know myself?

I sigh, this feels like homework, I always hated homework.

-

"What do I want?" I ask myself as I stared up at the ceiling, I was tossing a ball up and catching it, but even paused with that.

This felt like the most difficult question to answer and I couldn't figure it out for the life of me, a couple of days ago you ask me this I would've had the answer in a heartbeat and now I couldn't think of shit in a thousand heartbeats.

I tried to think of the other question she asked me, about my relationship with Lizzie. Think about that. I only blinked in confusion because I couldn't even think about that. What the fuck?

My mind went to anything but her and I immediately grunted, dumbass. Why is when I don't want to think about her I do and when I do want to think about her I can't? What type of fucked up am I?

I sighed and took a deep breath, or maybe I couldn't think about it because I didn't want to face what could possibly happen, or what I might find out. Because what if I end up heartbroken? I know I wanted to know what that was before but now.. I didn't. I didn't want to know heartbreak I wanted love.. Lizzie's love and I hate that I kept doubting it.

I sometimes hated having feelings- majority of the time I do, I just wanted to understand.

Alsooo hope u had a good day ;)