Drugs

Overdosed

Meredith is reviewing a chart at the nurses station, in the ER. Her focus intense as she jogs down notes. Derek walks over, smiling as he glances down at his own chart.
„You're okay? You look way too serious?" he sightly smiled
„Too much paperwork today" she slightly laughed, not looking up „Alright but-„
A nurse approaches with urgency, holding a chart in her hands. She interrupted him
„Dr. Grey, we've got a 24-year old male in trauma two. Probably overdosed"
Meredith's stomach dropped at the word 'overdosed'. It felt like a punch to the gut, a sharp twist of something dark and familiar. She tried to push the feeling down, but it was like the floodgates opened. She felt a sickening pull.
"Alright um let's get a head CT first" she said, walking into the trauma room.

"Dr. Shepard can you check if his pupils are responding?" I asked while checking his vitals. He nodded. The image of the patient, pale and fragile, connected to the machines that monitored his heart rate, felt too familiar. He was someone who had fallen into the same abyss I'm in, and it felt like the darkness was crawling under my skin again.

As I reached to check the patient's IV line, I spotted a small bag of powder on the counter, tucked into a coat pocket left on the chair. My breath hitched, but still trying to force myself to focus. I take the small bag into my hands, craving it.
"I um found the bag...we need a tox screen to know on what he is" I said, trying to keep my voice steady
The nurse nods and hurries off. I press my hand against the patient's chest, feeling the tremors of his unstable heart rate. My mind drifts—faint memories, the feel of something similar coursing through my veins, the way it dulls all the pain, how I craved that numbness again..
I shake my head, trying to refocus but my mind is racing. I need to get out of here. I need to escape. I take a shallow breath, trying to push the thoughts away.

"Meredith?" his voice snapped her back
"We need to intubate. Can you help me here?"
She nodded quickly, moving into position. Her hands were shaking again. She gripped the intubation tube, but her fingers felt numb. The room seemed to spin.
"Meredith, hey, breathe" Derek said softly, catching the slight tremor in her hand. He placed a hand on her shoulder, his voice low. "Meredith you're okay, Focus now"
She took a deep breath, trying to center herself, but the pressure in her chest only tightened. She couldn't let Derek know, that she is addicted and she is craving something to fill the emptiness now. But she had to focus now. For her patient.
"Let's intubate" she tried to sound confident

"How are the vitals?" she asked the nurse
"BP's low, heart rate's higher than before. I think he's steady for now. But we're still waiting for the tox screen to come back"
Meredith nodded, her mind barely processing the information as her eyes lingered on the patient's arms. The track marks. The scars. Her throat tightened. She had seen that before. Felt that before. 

She reached out to adjust the IV drip, but her hand trembled. She pulled it back, trying to steady herself. 
Derek looked up, seeing her struggling to adjust the IV drip again. He knew something was wrong. He stepped closer to her.
"Meredith"
She didn't look up. She could feel his present beside her, like a weight she couldn't ignore. His hand was on her shoulder again, before she could even realise he was this close.
"You okay?"
"I'm fine just...tired"
"Meredith.." she meet his gaze was distant, as if she couldn't see quite see him.
"You're shaking, again"
She was shaking, again, she realised. Her pulse had quickened, and her skin felt clammy.
"It's nothing...it's just too much today" she smiled weakly.
Derek studied her. He wanted to push, for answers, but he saw the way she was pulling away, closing off. Meredith was always good at closing off, when she was struggling. But he knew her.
"Alright. But if you need anything, I'm here for you" he squeezed her hand
"I don't need anything" she said harsh
"Sorry I didn't wanted to sound like...but thanks" she added
The nurse came in again, interrupting the moment, bringing in the tox screen results. Meredith grabbed the paper from her, scanning it quickly. The patient's system was flooded with heroin, along with traces of other opioids. No surprise there. She could see the signs—his body fighting, barely holding on. 

The moment she turned to adjust the medication that it hit her. The craving. The pull. The urge to forget everything, to numb the gnawing emptiness. She was addicted, she was craving and seeing this man made it only worse. Hearing the steady beep of the machines, she felt the familiar sting of withdrawal.

Her heart thudded in her chest, and for a moment, she thought she might collapse. She closed her eyes, squeezing them shut, forcing the feeling back down. 

She stepped back from the patient, her breath shallow. 

"Meredith?" Derek looked concerned

She didn't answer right away. She couldn't look at him. She knew he could see the change in her—could feel the way her presence had shifted. 

"I need a minute" she said

Without waiting for his response, she turned and stepped out of the room, her feet moving on their own, carrying her down the hallway to the nearest empty bathroom. She locked the door behind her and sank to the floor, her back against the cool tiles. 

Her hands were shaking now, her breath ragged. She buried her face in her hands, trying to keep the panic at bay. But it was no use. The cravings were too strong. The pressure inside her chest, the yearning-

She closed her eyes, trying to push the feelings away. 

You can't do this. You can't go back. 

But her mind was clouded with memories of dark nights, of moments when the world felt like it was slipping through her fingers, and the only thing that gave her relief was the thing that was killing her. 

She leaned her head back against the door, fighting to keep the tears at bay. For now she told herself. She had to keep it together. She couldn't let anyone see her fall apart again.