Conflicted
I slump onto the highest step of the bleachers, stretching my legs out and staring blankly at the field in front of me. Finals are coming up, graduation is just around the corner, and somehow, everything feels...heavy.
The whole place is buzzing with people talking about their plans—college, careers, where they're headed next. But me? Wala. I'm still lost as ever. Sure, engineering sounds cool, but what's the point? In the end, alam ko naman si Dad ang magde-decide para sa akin. Bakit pa ako mag-aaksaya ng oras kakaisip?
"Mag me-Med ata ako, my parents are both doctors. Lalayo pa ba ako?" sabi ni Sebastian habang tumatawa.
"Bro, seryoso ka? Baka habang nag-oopera ka, manood ka pa ng tutorials," ganti ni Nicholas at nagtawanan kami.
"Ikaw, Enzo. Anong course ang kukunin mo?" bigla naman akong nakaramdam ng hindi ko alam dahil sa tanong niya.
Tumingin ako sa kanila, nag-atubili saglit. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko ipapaliwanag na wala akong pakialam kung anong course ang kukunin ko, kasi sa totoo lang, si Dad naman ang magdidikta. Naisip ko na baka mas mabuti pang magpatawa na lang kaysa magpaliwanag.
"Bahala na si Dad, I'm his under control," sabi ko habang tumatawa, pero sa mga mata nila, nakita ko yung pagkaawa. Tang ina? Ayokong kinakaawaan ako.
"Just kidding, I got this, may utak din ako at kaya ko rin mag decide para sa akin," sabi ko habang nagsisinungaling. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko kailangan magpanggap. Pero siguro, hindi ko kayang harapin na wala akong kontrol sa buhay ko ngayon.
"Ha, sure ka? Laking problema din pag ganyan, pre," sabi ni Sebastian, parang hindi pa rin convinced.
"Yeah, don't let your dad control everything, bro," dagdag ni Nicholas, mas seryoso ngayon.
I just nodded, pretending like it didn't bother me. Pero deep down, alam ko. Hindi ko kayang magpanggap forever. And part of me wants to fight for my own path, pero paano kung lahat ng daan ay blocked ng expectations?
"Anyway, I'll figure it out," sabi ko, tumayo at biniruan sila. "Basta ako, mag-aaral pa rin ako, kahit anong mangyari."
Kahit ako, hindi ko pa rin alam kung anong ibig kong sabihin.
After class, I decided to head to a nearby café to clear my head. I needed some peace and quiet, away from the noise of school and my friends' constant questions. Pagpasok ko, medyo tahimik, and I found a corner by the window. I slumped down into the chair, letting out a long sigh as I stared outside. It was one of those days when everything felt too much but not enough at the same time.
"Enzo, anak, you're here." I looked up and saw my mom walking toward me, smiling as she slid into the chair across from me. Her presence was a comfort, kahit na parang may bigat na hindi ko kayang ipaliwanag.
"Hi, Mom," I greeted her, trying to act normal even though I was still lost in thought.
She studied my face for a moment, tilting her head a bit. "Anak, your birthday is coming, any plans? Beach party? Pool party?" she asked, as if it's a casual question, but I could feel the warmth behind her voice. I wasn't sure how to respond because, honestly, I didn't really care for any of those things right now.
I took a sip from my drink, pretending to think it over. "I'm not really in the mood for anything big, Ma," I said, avoiding her gaze. "Maybe just a quiet celebration." I didn't feel like having a big crowd around me or making a big deal out of it. I just wanted to get through it, get it over with.
Mom raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure? We can make it special, kahit na simple lang." Her voice softened, and I could tell she wasn't going to drop it easily.
