After school that day yay for me I got a facebook message, from Lucas, a boy who I sorta talked to and I guess we were kinda friends, maybe. “Why weren’t you at school today? Are you okay?” he asked. “ya fine, sick.” I replied back. “oh people said you got into a fight with Cam, what’s that about?” “Nothing, he pushed me into a wall, then I felt sick so I went home.” I typed back hoping maybe that would be the end of the conversation but no Lucas replied “Well he’s an ass, do you want me to do anything?” I laughed just a bit at the thought of Lucas trying to take on Cam, that wouldn’t end well… “No no just forget it, nothing happened.” “oh okay” Lucas replied. “k, well see you tmrw I guess, bye.” Trying to signal the end of conversation. I guess I was weird, I didn’t like being bothered by people but I hated feeling alone. You do this to yourself. You deserve the life you have. My head was right. Ugh, I couldn’t take it, sleep was my only option.
Wake up. Change clothes. Get books. Brush Teeth. Brush hair. Ipod: check, Phone: check (not that I ever really used my phone). Grab coat. Into car. Dropped off. Same routine every day, it never changes, but do I really want it to change? When I was at my locker though I got a slight tap on the shoulder, expecting Lucas I put on the best smile I can conjure and turn around. My face drops instantly, It was Cam. Ugh. He raised his eyebrows and I realised I hadn’t just thought that Ugh but actually said it out loud.. “Glad to see you’re happy to see me.” He said sarcastically. “Can you just leave me alone, why would I ever be happy to see you?” “Well because everyone wants me to talk to them” Okay if he says one more thing punch him in the nose. Cocky Bastard. I rolled my eyes and walked away heading towards the door. Unfortunately he followed me outside. “Ace wait! Look I’m sorry about what I said yesterday.” “just forget it” I replied. “No okay I said some mean shit and I didn’t mean it, I was an asshole. “One, you did mean it because people say the truth when they’re angry and it doesn’t even matter because I already know I’m fat. Two, you’re always an asshole.” I stalked off and this time he didn’t follow me. Good. I only had one class that day with Cam, science, and he didn’t look my way, thank goodness. I sat by myself at the front and barely paid attention thinking back to the comment Maybe if you weren’t so fat. That was when I swore to myself, no one would ever call me fat again. The bell rang and I got out of that class as soon as possible and went home.
Do not eat, you can’t eat. I repeated over and over again in my head. I was in my room trying desperately to not go to the kitchen and make pancakes, my favorite food. I grabbed my pillow and screamed into it. I can’t do anything right. I look at my thighs and I’m not hungry anymore. I ended up just blankly staring at my wall for a few hours trying to stay numb. My sister was home and she ignored me. My cat was in my room with me and she ignored me. No one cares. The easiest thing to do in life was sleep. That’s how I spent most of my weekend too.
Monday morning back at school. I open the door, and I realise I’m running late the hallways are empty except for one person and just my luck it was Cam. I hoped he wouldn’t recognize me or see me but of course he did because I had to walk right by him. “Running late are you Ace?” he questioned. “None of your business.” He laughed at my response. Ugh. “Well I could make you later if you want” he winked at me. BARF. “I think I actually just threw up in my mouth a bit at that. Leave me alone, why do you keep talking to me anyways?” “I don’t know, there’s just something about you.” “Oh maybe it’s the fact that I’m the only person who doesn’t think you were god’s gift to the world.” “ya maybe” He replied. That’s weird. I gave him a weird look and set off for my locker as fast as possible but I felt someone following me. I turned around and yelled “LEAVE ME ALONE” expecting cam, but oops it was the principal. I was in trouble. “I’m so sorry, I thought you were someone else! I swear Mrs.Evans, I’m so sorry!” “It’s okay, off to class or it’ll be detention though” I smiled relieved. “Thank you!” I turned around and quickly headed to my locker, and I hear a laugh behind me, so I turn and I see Cam walk past me. I turn to walk away from where he was going deciding to go straight to my class just to get away from him. The day passed in a blur, I don’t really remember anything. Is my whole life going to be like this?
When I got home, I went straight to my room and I broke down, I’m not too sure why. I looked at the x-acto knife on my dresser and went over to pick it up. I took off the cap and pulled down my pajama pants to reveal my upper thigh. It’s covered in a couple other cuts and scars, I choose an open spot and embrace for pain. I need to do this, you’re so fat you deserve it. If you do this, you won’t feel anything after. I drag the knife across. I smile when I see the bubbles of scarlet blood approaching the surface, I move the knife down a bit and slice again. More red. I do it again, and again, and again. And by the end I have 20 new cuts bleeding. Nothing is what I feel, nothing. It worked. No one know about my cutting or depression or anxiety, which is why I need to cut, sometimes I do it to feel pain, sometimes I do it to go numb, and sometimes you have to do it because it’s the only thing you can count on.
Authours note: Okay so i doubt anyone i s reading this but if you are, then thank you! i'm not too sure where i'm going to go with this story but i think im going to try to plan out some events and what i want to happen and such. If you like it so far please leave a comment for me :)
