Quick authours note: so basically this is two short chapters put together. I just put the stars in the middle to break them up. Thank you to the few people reading this, i appreciate it and even though it only has about 70 reads, i never expected it to get that much! Also this chapter may be a bit more personal to what i'm going through just because a lot has been happening in my life and i didn't know where to get my feelings out or whatever so i decided to make a chapter out of it! Feel free to comment with suggestions for story line or anything - Thank you !
Dear diary,
My year has not been going very well. Scratch that I can’t even remember the last time I was truly happy. I ran in to Cam in the hallways and something weird happened, expecting the usual harassment. Instead he looked at me with this blank expression. Not even at me, more just through me, like I wasn’t even there, like I was invisible. I don’t know what’s worse. Anyways, my family sucks, I have a sister who is the most difficult person to deal with and I am not over exaggerating. I could go on forever with all the stuff she’s done to me but it would probably get boring. This may seem whiny but in all honesty she makes my life miserable and I don’t know if anyone will ever be able to understand the pain she puts me through. Also my mom is anorexic and losing more and more weight daily. Always pushing me to eat eat eat and be fat fat fat when she can’t even eat half a bowl of soup herself. And I’m terrified because I don’t want to be like her but I’m falling into those habits and its overwhelming and I feel like I’m drowning and I can’t get out , I can’t get out. On top of that my parents got divorced so that’s triggering my mom’s ED even more while my dad is asking me what would be a reasonable amount of time to wait before he starts dating again. Seems to me like he’s already got someone waiting in the wings, the evil step-mother.. Great. Im sinking deeper and deeper and I just need/want/need/am desperate for it to end. So I set a date. A date to die. It’s weird knowing I won’t have to go through this anymore, kind of like I should try to enjoy my last week but it won’t change, it’ll be the same misery because no one knows my plan except for me. I will not leave a note or say any goodbyes, and I will not do it in my house , no one, not even my sister, deserves to find my body. I feel relieved. I get to leave this world before it destroys me more.
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Only a few days until the date. I’m excited, it feels like a rush. I’ve stocked up on pills, I figure that’d be the easiest way to go. I can’t get a gun and I wouldn’t be able to hang myself. But pills, I could do. I am at the mall, in a bookstore, maybe I can read just one last book before I go. I’ve always enjoyed reading. But someone approached me
“Could you make some recommendations?” he said.
I observe the human. Taller than me but not intimidating. Face acne and bad sense of style. I definitely know I’m not one to judge but hey I won’t be around much longer so I can take the liberty to say: not attractive. I asked the usual: how old is the person , male/female, what genre they’re generally in to but he interrupted me rude.
“Being honest I just asked you that because I thought you were pretty and wanted to talk to you.”
“Oh” was my response, clever.
No one has ever talked to me when I’m alone before let alone kind of complimented me so I got to thinking… Do you carry yourself differently when you know you’re going to die? You must.
I muttered a quick thanks and sort of ran away without saying much else. I’m a terrible person but I’ve accepted that from a very young age so it doesn’t bother me too much anymore. Most girls want someone to talk to them out of the blue and ask them out or tell them they’re pretty. Me. Not so much. I don’t want to sound like the cliché I’m not like the other girls kind of girls but when someone compliments me , I think they’re lying and lying does not go far with me. I know how I look and I am not proud of it but do not sugar coat it and tell me im pretty because I will hate you more than if you ignore me. So I left and I ran, I ran all the way to my house. When I got to my house I changed into my running gear and I went outside and ran some more. With my music (today’s band was Marianas Trench, one band I will miss when im dead) turned up and the pain in my legs I could drown out my feelings. When i first stared running , I hated it. But now, the out of breath , soreness and just over all pain gives me a rush and I get to feel but not the things that overwhelm me. I can concentrate on just they physical things I feel, nothing emotional and that’s why I love it. Also it makes me thinner.
