𝐃𝐈𝐑𝐓𝐘 𝐒𝐄𝐂𝐑𝐄𝐓 || 𝑺𝑬𝑶𝑲𝑺𝑶𝑶

eleven

The room was dark and quiet, save for the occasional ping of Joshua's phone vibrating on his desk, lighting up with messages from Jeonghan and others in their friend group. He didn’t even glance at it, though. He couldn’t bring himself to care about anything beyond the cold, suffocating reality that had settled over him like a heavy weight.

He had lost Seokmin.

The realization settled deep in his chest, a pain unlike anything he’d ever felt. His mind kept replaying Seokmin’s last words to him, the way he had walked away with such finality, leaving Joshua rooted in place, helpless. Seokmin’s broken, resigned voice echoed in his ears, taunting him: "I deserve more than that.”

Joshua’s hands curled into fists, his nails digging into his palms. He had been such a fool, thinking he could play with someone so gentle, so full of light, without consequences. He let out a bitter, humorless laugh, barely a whisper in the darkness.

A memory surfaced, unbidden and cruelly vivid,

It was the first time he had met Seokmin, months ago. He remembered the way Jeonghan had dragged him over, his arm slung around Joshua’s shoulders as they walked across campus. “You’re going to love my juniors,” Jeonghan had grinned, pulling Joshua toward a group sitting under a tree. “Especially my favorite,” he added with a wink, nodding toward Seokmin.

Seokmin. He was sitting on the grass, reading a book, completely unaware of the world around him. Jeonghan had called his name, and Seokmin had looked up, blinking in surprise before offering a shy, warm smile. His eyes had been wide, big and innocent, and Joshua remembered the way they had sparkled, filled with an openness that he had rarely seen in people.

Joshua remembered the exact thought that had crossed his mind at that moment: I’m going to ruin him.

It had been a twisted, instinctive urge—a selfish, insatiable desire to see that innocence crumble, to make Seokmin need him in ways he’d never needed anyone else. He had felt a thrill at the thought of bending that purity to his will, of owning it completely. And he had done just that.

He hated himself now for how easy it had been.

He remembered the first time he’d cornered Seokmin in the library. Seokmin had looked up from his books, a little dazed, blinking in that adorable way Joshua would later find himself unable to resist.

Joshua-sunbaenim?” Seokmin had asked, uncertain but polite, his voice soft.

Joshua had leaned against the shelf, giving him one of those half-smiles he knew made people weak. “Mind if I sit with you, Seokmin?” he’d asked, even though it wasn’t really a question.

Seokmin’s face had lit up, surprised but pleased. “Of course, sunbaenim! I didn’t think… I mean, I didn’t expect…” He’d trailed off, his cheeks tinged with a shy blush that only fueled Joshua’s urge to push further.

“You’re always here, aren’t you?” Joshua had leaned in closer, his voice just a murmur. “I’ve seen you, Seokmin. Always so diligent…so quiet.”

Seokmin had looked down, flustered. “Oh, um… I just… I like studying here,” he had replied, his voice so soft and genuine that it made something dark and possessive rise in Joshua. Here was this innocent, unsuspecting junior, looking up at him with that unfiltered admiration, trusting him completely.

“I like that,” Joshua had said smoothly, leaning even closer, his hand grazing Seokmin’s arm. “I think you’re special, Seokmin.”

Seokmin had swallowed, his blush deepening, clearly unaccustomed to such attention. “Th-thank you, sunbaenim…” he’d whispered, eyes wide, shining with something so pure and trusting that Joshua had felt an unexpected thrill, a twisted satisfaction at how easy it was to pull Seokmin’s strings.