erik menendez // if you love me..don't let go

chapter twenty-eight

Erik's POV

"You know why I believe his every word." I ground my teeth together. "I grew up having those threats turn into real life. I didn't eat every last bit of my plate at the dinner table? It got shoved down my throat. I got below an A on an exam? An immediate beating. I talked back? Soap in my mouth." My face burned with memories. "I don't have the mind to just ignore threats, Scarlett. You may have been hurt, but I was hurting too! These past weeks have been the slowest weeks of my life. I've been having the fear of ever coming too close to you and my father somehow finding out. I've been having the fear that my father will ask me something about you and I'd choke up and he would think I was still talking to you. I've been horrified, Scarlett. And so before you go and talk about me being too gullible and caring too much, just know that you don't know how it is. You didn't grow up in a household like mine," I knew I was going to regret what I was about to say, but I was too passionate to care at the moment. "You have a perfect daddy who gives you everything and has never once touched you for making a tiny mistake. You've never lived with that weight on your shoulders. So please, before you go and get mad at me, make sure you compare your childhood to mine."

Scarlett's face fell. My chest heaved up and down. It looked like hers wasn't moving at all. She looked at me like I was nobody. Like I was a complete stranger. Like she didn't know and didn't want to know who I was or who i've become. And personally, I didn't want to know either. So much anger from my father has been built up in my blood over time, and now I was finally letting it out. It felt so good to let it out, but I was doing it on the wrong person. I wasn't supposed to yell at Scarlett for all of my faults. For stuff that she had no control over. The main reason I did was because she was the one person I loved so much that I thought I could confide in everything with her. I felt safe with her, but that wasn't always a good thing. It meant that I didn't feel afraid to speak what my heart was saying.

"Don't say that. You can't say anything about my childhood, because you also don't know anything about it! You never knew about how my mom died when I was only seven years old. You didn't know how I was only living with a man who didn't know how to properly take care of me. You may have been forced into getting good grades and getting into sports, but I got the exact opposite of that! I never realized the importance of life and how I was supposed to live. I didn't have a mother figure who could teach me basic little things that would've helped in all my years to come. I lived with witnessing all of my friends having their moms as their best friends. And I didn't have that! I didn't have a best friend! I felt so alone, Erik. My dad had a drinking problem, meaning most nights I was left alone in our big, dark house. I was so scared and so confused. I know you had such a bad childhood and I feel so bad for you, but that gives you no reason to go and shade on me and say that I have a perfect daddy and get whatever I want. Be considerate, Erik."

I went thought so many different emotions as she made her speech. Guilt was felt through every inch of my body. Here I was, happy that she finally knew stuff about my life that I never told anyone else, but little did I know she was carrying her own secrets around. I thought we were done with that, I thought I knew almost everything about her. But apparently I only knew the basics. Only the stuff she shows on the outside, but not the inside. I was such a bitch, assuming she had this perfect life because her dad wasn't abusive. But of course that wasn't the only trauma one could experience, and I was just being immature.

"Scarlett." I started, but she interrupted me.

"No, Erik. Don't go and feel pity for me. I don't want your pity."

Tears that were once slowly going down Scarlett's face were now rapidly falling. Her face turned into something of such grief and angst. She choked on so many sobs and then let it all out. She cried and cried and cried. Her hands were covering her face and her knees were so close to buckling. Her shoulders bobbed up and down and her whole body trembled in pain. It was the worst sight ever. I wasn't one for comforting, I never have been comforted, so all I knew how to do was just stand there while she cried a river. How stupid was I?

Scarlett's POV

"Erik." I muffled through sobs. I sounded so strained and my cry was so ugly. My throat was getting dry and I was sweating and freezing at the same time.

"Erik." I repeated, this time I sounded so desperate. My face was covered so I couldn't see him, but I just knew he was staring at me, waiting for me to do something else other than cry. But I wanted him to do something. Why wasn't he doing anything? I wanted him to come closer until I could feel the warmth radiating off of this body. I wanted him to wrap his large arms around my body and hold me so close to him until I calmed down. I just wanted him. I didn't want him to be a stranger. I hated having the torture of walking past him and acting like he was nothing to me. Because he was absolutely everything to me. My light, my world, my guide, my everything. I needed him in my life.

Exasperation washed over me when a minute passed of me looking like an incredible fool and him doing nothing. My sorrowful tears soon turned into livid tears. I brought my hands away from my face and slowly turned my head up to Erik. Like I expected, he was just standing there doing nothing. But his body language and facial expressions looked like he wanted to do so much more. His hands kept twitching as if he wanted to reach out for me. I wanted him too. His face looked so torn and wretched. A single tear was falling down his face as he sniffled.

"I can't do this, Scarlett. I can't be so close to you like this." He was quiet but his eyes that were locked on mine spoke a thousand words.

I love you too much.

"You make me feel too much," He continued. "I can't handle it. I won't be able to handle it. I lo- I care about you too much, it isn't good for me. It isn't good for you. I'm sorry." His face was now streaked with tears, his mouth trembling.

"No, please!" I felt so grief-stricken, so heart broken. "You can't just do that to me, Erik! After everything. Don't leave me!"

I walked closer to him, trying to seem powerful but instead I just felt even smaller. I felt like he was taking dominance over me. I looked at him through furrowed eyebrows and narrowed eyes with my heart beating so fast I thought I was having a panic attack.

"I'm sorry." It was said, but barely. He sounded like a mouse. I couldn't even tell if he meant it.

"No, Erik," He was seeing me so vulnerable with me ugly crying, but I had no time to think about that. He was leaving me. "You're not walking away, so you don't mean that. You don't mean that."

It was true. His body was locked to the ground. He wasn't walking away, but he could at anytime.

"You can't just throw out everything we had, Erik." His jaw clenched. "Please." My voice was now just a peep.

When he didn't say anything, I forcefully cupped his face in my hands. "Erik. Listen to me, please. How many times do I have to say please?"

"You don't have to at all. This needs to happen."

"No no no no no. Erik, no." I started to vigorously shake my head. "This does not need to happen. It's all in your head. It's just these crazy voices. Don't listen to them, Erik. Don't listen to the voices. They don't know what they're talking about, they don't know what we have."

I was trying so hard to convince him. To convince him that he didn't need to leave. But his face was so stern. He was making it clear that he was going to leave. A crack of thunder boomed in the sky above us, it was a sign. At that moment, I felt the worst pain of my life. It was so intolerable, so miserable, so painful. And as rain started to pour down on us, I just stared at him, trying to find any last ounce of remorse for us. To save us.