Runaway's Liberation

Chapter 6

Everyone hates me.

Palagi ko 'yang naiisip. I don't know what's wrong with me. I would like to think that maybe I just have a main character syndrome or I just like thinking that everything is about me. At least, it's better that way. Kasi that would mean na nasa utak ko lang lahat. That they don't really hate me. Na ako lang ang nag-iisip ng ganun everytime I would catch even a slightest hint of hostility or indifference on someone's face when they're around me. And the thing is, I wouldn't even confirm it. I wouldn't try. Masyado akong takot. I was a people pleaser. At ang hirap alisin no'n sa pagkatao ko.

It always happens. Tuwing may nakakasalamuha ako na ibang tao at makitaan ko lang ng kaunting ekspresyon na hindi nila ako gusto, I would be overthinking it. I would deny it, say that I don't care what anyone else think or say about me, but the truth is I already have a lot of questions spiraling inside my head.

What's wrong? Did I upset you? Did I do something wrong without realizing it? May nagawa ba ako na hindi mo nagustuhan? Or do you just not like me? What is it about me that you can't stand? Or am I just someone you don't like? What made you not like me? What made you hate me?

Am I too much? Too quiet, and awkward and weird? Too much of something—too little of something else? Is it how I look? Pangit ba ko? Nakakainis ba ko tingnan? Is there something about my face or my attitude that repels you? Does my presence annoy you? Was it with how I act? With how I move? Am I sickening? Am I... dirty? Disgusting?

Why do you hate me?

And the list of the possible multiple reasons will go on until I began pulling my hair out and scratching my skin, which will cause me rashes while my mind crashes with my fragile sense of self, fragile because I've already been hated before—by my father, by friends, by people I cared about.

It was bearable, at least, hanggang sa maisip mo na baka may nalaman sila tungkol sayo. Na baka may narinig sila tungkol sa kung anuman na nangyari sayo. You'd be thinking that maybe they knew something's wrong with you. That they knew what you're hiding behind your closet, or what you're keeping underneath your bed, or what's locked inside the dollhouse of your little sister, which you put there because no one would suspect something that is pink and colorful and pretty and bright.

Everything is bearable, until your mind began planting seeds of apprehension and fright in your own mind, until a panic attack sprouts out of you and you cannot breathe anymore while you get flooded with thousands of thoughts of the carcass of each of your archaics that is hidden inside your tomb.

I should be okay. I should be able to let it go. But I can't. And I'm losing my grip on it all. Parang masisiraan ako ng bait. I try to tell myself that not everything is about me, but it never feels like it's that simple. Hindi ganun lang kadali ang lahat. Hindi ganun kadali na sabihin sa sarili mo na wala talagang may pakialam sayo, at iniisip mo lang lahat ng yan para maramdaman mo na may pwesto ka sa buhay ng ibang tao. Kahit wala naman talaga.

"Aino, marunong ka bang sumakay sa kabayo?"

It's 7 AM and I just finished getting ready. We are about to go and visit their mango and pineapple plantation. Malapit na raw 'yung sinasabi nilang river d'on kaya dadaan na rin kami. Auntie followed us in the farm and arrived just this morning, too. She brought me more clothes and stuff since it seemed like it might take us another whole day here kaya ngayon, may dala ulit ako na pair in case mag-langoy. I'm excited.

"Can't I just ride the carabao?" Tanong ko, nakatingin sa dumaan na kalabaw na may hinihilang parang cart.

They laughed. "Pwede naman! Mas ma-e-enjoy mo lang siguro kung sa kabayo. Mas mabilis rin."

The truth is, I have no idea how to ride a horse. I glanced at the man standing a few meters away, holding a horse's leash while gently petting it.

I couldn't believe he was the Van they were talking about. Van? What kind of name is that? Is he a car or something?