Runaway's Liberation

Chapter 11

Sometimes, you end up with choices that all seem to lead to the same place. You’re stuck picking between paths that feel the same, but somehow, you start to realize what really matters to you. It’s like you’re figuring out what’s worth holding on to, and what you can let go of—what your heart’s been trying to tell you, even if you’ve been ignoring it.

I wanted to break free. I wanted to lash out. I wanted to just don't give a fuck. I wanted to just lose it and not give a damn about everything in life. I wanted to scream, to stop caring. I wanted to let everything go, not give a damn about anyone or anything. I was so tired of trying to live up to everyone’s expectations, pretending like I had it all figured out when I didn’t. I thought if I just stopped caring, maybe it would make everything easier.

But deep down, I knew it wasn’t that simple. I wasn’t running away from the pain, I just wanted to face it on my own terms. There was this tiny voice inside me telling me to hang on, that maybe there was something worth fighting for, even if I wasn’t sure what it was yet.

But in the end, it wasn’t about escaping. It was about choosing what would keep me whole, even if I didn’t know how that would look yet.

Sunod-sunod na dumaloy ang likido sa magkabila kong pisngi. Patuloy lang 'yon na bumubuhos, at alam kong kahit punasan ko 'yon, it won't make it stop. Hindi no'n magagawang mabura ang katotohanan na para akong siraulo na umiiyak sa harapan niya ngayon. Sa harapan niya pa talaga. I wanted to laugh.

I wanted to push him. I wanted to punch him, run, pack my things, and leave this place. But I couldn't do anything in that moment. I could barely move. I couldn't even say that I wanted to escape his grasp because, in the first place, I wasn't trapped. He was just holding me... lifting me up so I wouldn't fall because my knees were failing me. And it wasn't his fault.

I looked away, biting my lower lip to stifle my cries, but I couldn't hold it in when a sob escaped from my mouth. I kept my gaze fixed on his chest, ashamed of unraveling in front of him.

Hindi ko na alam kung anong nangyayari sa'kin, pero hinayaan ko ang sarili na umiyak sa kaniya. My forehead pressed against his chest, and I waited for any sign, any move of restriction that would tell me I wasn’t allowed to do this. But nothing came. He didn’t move. He didn’t do anything.

I cried like hell.

My eyes were burning, but I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t. Not when it felt like the whole world was crushing me. Not when I knew I couldn’t escape what was chasing me. Not when I found some strange comfort in the man in front of me, even though he wasn’t doing anything.

I knew he had nothing to offer a crying boy. Just silence. And maybe half an allowance to let myself break down in front of someone who probably didn’t care and was just there by accident.

“Why…” I tried to speak between shallow breaths, “Why the fuck... Why the fuck did you save me? Why—why…”

I hate being saved. Nothing good ever comes from it. I couldn’t thank him for it. I couldn’t be grateful. Not when every person who ever saved me before ended up doing me wrong. Not when I have no idea why someone would do that... because without knowing their reason, I have no clue what they wanted in return.

Kinagat ko ang labi ko at itinulak siya. Marahas kong pinunasan ang pisngi. Naramdaman kong nagulat siya sa biglaan kong pag-aklas.

“What do you want? What the fuck do you want??! What are you gonna do to me? Huh? Tell me now! Tell me so I won’t be surprised! Tell me… tell me how much worse you can make it so I can brace myself for it!”

His mouth hung open, his eyes wide with confusion as he stared at me, shocked by my sudden outburst. He shook his head slowly, hands raised as if he's trying to reach me, but I kept swatting them away, trying to keep him from touching me.