Runaway's Liberation

Chapter 10

There were times when I didn't want to sleep.

Or close my eyes at night.

I didn't want to fall into a slumber. I didn't want to pass out on my bed every time it was dark. I didn't want to have to shut my eyes only to open them again and see that it wasn't dark anymore, that there was already light outside, and that it was morning again.

I didn't want to face that familiar sting of another dawn creeping through the curtains, reminding me that time kept moving forward whether I was ready or not.

I just didn't want to sleep.

Because I didn't want to wake up.

I hated mornings because of that. I hated sunrise. I hated the faint hue of light from the windows every time I opened my eyes after sleeping.

Because I wasn't ready for it. I wasn't ready to pull my body from the covers and face another day. I didn't want to leave my bed. I didn't want to leave the stillness. I didn't want to leave my room where nothing expected anything from me.

Kaya naisip ko... maybe I should just stay asleep. Maybe I should just not wake up. Maybe if I didn't wake up, I wouldn't have to deal with any of it.

So I began swallowing lots of sleeping pills at night. I began having long sleeps. And undisturbed ones.

I was happy because of that. I liked how it affected me. I liked how it numbed the noise in my mind. I liked how it helped me escape my thoughts. I liked how it let me slip into an escape where I didn't have to think or feel.

Until I almost didn't wake up.

I remember hearing Nadia's cries. I remember her calling out to me... shouting my name. She sounded desperate... she sounded terrified. But everything else was a blur. I didn't remember much after that. Just the sensation of drifting in and out of consciousness, and then suddenly waking up to the sterile light of a hospital room.

A beeping noise woke me up. My eyelids felt heavy as I mustered to open my eyes. The white celling above greeted me. I feel weak and my throat felt so dry. Ilang beses akong kumurap.

Blangko ang utak ko. I tried to recall what was the last thing that happened before I lose my consciousness. Ilang minuto lang akong nakatingin sa puting kisame hanggang sa unti-unti kong maalala lahat.

I closed my eyes again as if it would help me shut off the recollections that flooded my mind. I counted to three before opening my eyes only to realize I'm lying on a white bed at may kung anu-anong nakakunekta sa'kin.

Nanghihina man, I still lifted my hand and removed the oxygen mask from my face. A familiar scent filled my nose, and an overwhelming wave of nausea rose from my stomach, forcing me to quickly cover my mouth.

I was in the hospital.

Without thinking, I forced myself up. I ripped off the IV and wires attached to my arm, stumbling as I rushed toward the door in the corner of the room. It led to the bathroom, and I barely made it before collapsing in front of the toilet, my body convulsing as I emptied my stomach.

It felt like I had thrown up everything inside me. My insides twisted, leaving me weak and trembling. I leaned my head against the cold wall, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. I glanced at the mirror by the sink and stared at the reflection—hospital gown, pale face, unfamiliar eyes.

I barely recognized myself. Parang hindi ko makilala ang sarili ko. Ilang minuto lang akong nakaupo roon. Halos hindi ko mabilang kung ilang ulit akong huminga nang malalim para pakalmahin ang sarili.

Hindi ko kayang matingnan ang sarili ko. Hindi ko kayang makita... na ganito na ako. It was excruciating. It was painful. I couldn't quite explain but the dread of hating and getting an eye sore over seeing your own reflection is unrelenting.