See you again ✓

• 30 • Don't take it away from me

• Back in present time •

Jamie's point of view

I drive back to Chaston from downtown after my session at the support group I have joined recently after I was diagnosed breast cancer 2B. I’ve met different kind of people in there, but all of them where commonly nice.

Well, they had to. That's is why it’s a support group, right?

Maddie has womb cancer. She was diagnosed five years ago and sha has been told she had almost no time left. She is 28.
Robinson as well, a throat cancer. He is 75.
Elise, Chris, Benjamin, Lily and so many others I can't name. All of them, all of us had a story to tell.

After parking the car, I step inside the house. Silent, I put the key on the sideboard, took off my coat and hung it up by the door before walking into the kitchen, my mind elsewhere.

“God, you scared me!” I blurt out.

“I thought you saw me,” he replies, looking up from his computer.

I just realized then that I had been moving on autopilot. Collin had been there, waiting, typing and clearly expecting me - which wasn't my case - I didn't see him at all.

“I’ve tried to reach you all night,” he adds.

“It was probably on my way back... My phone was buried in my bag, I couldn't hear it ring,” I reply, my voice trailing off as I poured myself a glass of water.

Fact is my phone was in Don't disturb Mode.

The silence stretches between us then after. Ever since that day, it felt like we had slipped into this strange new silence between us, a new communication mode. I once used to talk about everything - the kids at the club, the books I was reading, how my day had gone - but now, I just… couldn't anymore. I couldn’t seem to find the words anymore. I never thought that that was even possible.

And the anticipative person I once used to be is now moving with no clear direction. When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't recognize the person staring back at me anymore. It’s been now three months and I can't seem to see the end of this line.

I lean back against the kitchen counter, lost in the silence of the house, when Collin come to me. He wraps his arms around me, pulling me closer and the warmth of his embrace caught me off guard. I feel tears welling up before I can stop them - tears I had been holding back for so long now.

“That's it sweetie. Get it all off your chest.” Collin whispers, but his voice only made it worse.

“I can’t keep doing this, Collin,” I say, my voice breaking.

"Please, don’t say that...We’ll go through this together…”

“I’m so tired...”

“I know, baby. I know. You have the right to be tired. That’s okay and that's why I’m here,” he tightens his hold, as if trying to comfort me.

“No, you don’t get it,” I pull away from him, my chest aching. “There are things you can share, things you can talk about, but this… this is different! It’s like a weight, pressing down on me. Do you get that? I know it doesn’t make sense, I know it’s confusing, but this is how I feel...”

“Jamie, slow down a bit, baby? Slow down. Just take a breath and give me a second because right now, I’m the confused one,” he says, his brow furrowing in concern.

I sit down, taking a deep breath, trying to gather my thoughts. Collin stands across from me as I notice his body has became tense and his eyes full of worry. I have to tell him, though. I have to let it out - this feeling I had been carrying ever since, I can't keep it anymore.