I Can't Get the Vampire Rogue to Romance Me

Chapter 44 - Cosmic Gaslighting

Meta looked down at her sleeping roll, clearly trying to figure out if he wanted to sit down on it or not.

Evangeline just crossed her arms and waited.

"Oh, nevermind, I won't be here long enough," Meta decided.

"So, I can summon you at any time?" she finally asked, not able to suppress the terseness in her voice. He gave her an annoyed look.

"Yes, in fact. You can summon me as long as you have two of your special ability points to spend. Though, I don't recommend making a habit of it, because I will become very cross with you. Now listen up. I have a very important question that I need answered. What are you freaking doing?"

That raised Evangeline's eyebrow. "You'll have to be more specific," she shot back.

Meta regarded her for a moment. "I do believe your wish was for your chance to see your one true love face-to-face and give you free rein to say whatever you wanted to him to get him to romance you back. Instead, you have done the exact opposite, and you are making me look like a laughingstock."

"I am?" Evangeline crooked an eyebrow, glancing back over her shoulder at the rest of the camp.

"Yes, it's quite humiliating," he fumed.

"No, I mean, I'm supposed to be looking for love?" She set her fists on her hips, wondering why that sounded wrong. "And you think it's Valerian? Is this ... a destiny thing or something?"

Meta threw up his hands. "If you like! Just get on with it and stop playing hard to get."

"I'm not! I'm just being myself," Evangeline argued, shifting to cross her arms now over her chest.

"No, you're not. What happened to that sad little, demure girl? You've been capable and savvy and making all the choices... You're too confident! He's never going to go for you if you're confident!"

Evangeline stood there stunned. She felt a tug to feel guilty, but she was able to ignore it, brushing aside. "Who are you to decide who I am, or who I want to be with?"

"I'm your patron! Your special power comes from playing more conservatively. Know your place. You're the heroine here, and no one wants a smart and capable heroine who doesn't need anybody. Not in a romance! You need to need him so that he can rescue you and you both fall in love! You are not following the formula. No wonder you can't finish this whole ... thing!"

"You... you can't... speak to me like..." But Evageline couldn't finish. Her throat was closing up and words were failing her. Her whole body felt heavy. She wanted to scream and cry and rage all at the same time. I'm locking up again, she thought. I'm not a bad person. Why are you treating me like I'm a bad person? Why can't I ever win? Why am I so undeserving?

Suddenly, Evangeline's legs were too weak to hold her up. She stumbled past the gray man and dropped down hard on her bedroll, while he continued with his rant. She didn't really hear it anymore. Shutting down. She was shutting down, sinking into the safety of numbness.

Her next conscious thought was of Meta standing over her, looking down as if expecting a response from her about something he had said, but she had no idea what it was. She couldn't give it even if she did.

"Well, just take the notes and make the adjustments. I've got a lot riding on this, so don't screw me over," he finished, jutting his chin and raising his haughty nose.

Then he was gone.

Tears began to well at the bottom of Evangeline's eyes. "Why am I so weak?" she asked aloud, her voice breaking with pain. She had wanted to fight, to argue back, and she just couldn't.

Pulling her legs in, she laid her folded arms over her knees and buried her face, trying to make herself into the smallest she could possibly be. She wished she could just will herself not to exist.

"Evangeline, are you there?" Hagor called through her willow branches. He cleared his throat. "I would like a word if I could."

She didn't respond, she couldn't, but he apparently didn't need a formal invite. He parted the branches and entered. Standing on the edge, he had his hands folded behind his back, his legs slightly apart. A warrior's stance.

"I wanted to ask you for your assistance," he started to say then paused as he realized the state she was in. "Is something the matter?"

"No, no," her voice creaked out, wiping her face with both hands. "I mean yes, but not with you."

Hagor considered a moment. "Then it was him I saw. This god Meta that has been patroning you?"

Now she could meet his gaze, the green-earthy eyes smiling warmly at her. He seemed to understand, shifting to sit down next to her. Let his arm come around her shoulders, she found it so easy to let the tide of him sweep her against his chest. His warm smell filled her nose and she buried it as deeply as she could. A small voice in her head said this sort of thing would probably upset the already upset Meta, but she couldn't care less.

"He shouldn't have spoken to you that way," Hagor reassured.

A dry chuckle popped from her chest. "Yeah, you're right," she agreed. "But I just couldn't. I froze up. Again."

He squeezed her harder, then rubbed and patted. "How would you feel if I told you, you're doing great?"

"Am I?" she asked, brushing her face, already starting to feel more alive. More herself. "I don't really believe that you know."

Hagor shrugged, releasing his arm so it only rested on her shoulders as she sat up more. "By an easy measure, yes." He flicked his hand in the air, presumably pulling his menu up. "I mean, look at all the quests you found for us. I've only ever done one or two at any given time. This is impressive. And it's all because of you."

"Thank you," she said, giving her wet nose another wipe. "Should be fun too."

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