"Just can't seem to get over the way you hurt me...Don't know how you gave another who didn't mean a thing the very thing you gave to me"- Beyoncé, "Resentment"
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~ FANTASIA ~
My body and my soul was shrouded in darkness as I laid on my bed with my curtains drawn closed and my bedroom light turned off , my eyes staring blankly at the wall. I've been in this exact same spot since I came home from the hospital. Danielle still has Chloe. I just couldn't find the strength within myself to go and get her, so now not only am I a rapist, but I'm a shitty mother, too. It's not like my baby would be safe with me anyway. The harassment and threats that I've been receiving are paralyzing. This is the only place that I feel safe, right here in this dark room. I've had people drive by my house and throw rocks with the word "rapist" taped on them at my windows, which I have had to replace. Groups of people stand outside of my house every day and march around on my lawn protesting my very existence until the cops come. My address has been leaked, and somehow my daughter's birth certificate has even ended up on the internet. It's a living hell and it's only the beginning. My management team has been trying to get ahold of me to talk about damage control and spinning this entire mess into a profit for me, but I'm not interested in saving my own ass. I deserve everything I'm getting. I just don't want my daughter around to see it. There's a bottle of fentanyl sitting on my nightstand. Every time I attempt to take the whole bottle, I always fail. I can't leave my Clover alone in this world, even if I don't want to be in it. She needs me here with her.
I turned over when I heard my phone vibrating underneath the pillow that I wasn't using. I lifted the pillow and picked my phone up, seeing Taraji's name as the caller ID. I wasn't mentally or emotionally prepared for her to contact me, but I was just relieved that it wasn't an unknown number calling to persecute me or some talk show host trying to set up an interview with me. I accepted her call, sitting up and making the mountain of crusty tear-stained tissues on top of my covers tumble to the floor in piles like compacted snow. I cleared my throat, hoping that it wouldn't sound weird from my lack of liquid and food intake. Depriving my body of water and nutrition is my way of punishing myself. Why should I get to feel like anything other than crap when I did what I did to Taraji? Why should I be taking care of my body when I violated hers? When she spoke, hearing her voice made my heart stop for a second. She's the victim, and yet she's the only person in the world right now who doesn't think of me as a villain.
Taraji: Fantasia, are you there?
Fantasia: Y-Yes, I'm here, Taraji.
Taraji: I know that things are crazy right now, but we both have to be strong if we're going to get through this. I'm working on a way to make this better for us both.
Fantasia: I don't want you to do that for me. I deserve the torment. You should just worry about protecting yourself. I might not even be around for long, so don't waste your time on me.
