An Inconvenient Flame

Chapter 44

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It was a bad day today, when I woke up I wasn't feeling too well.

I had to complete some tests but they hit the submission deadline.

Didn't have my breakfast and lunch since I was too much in pain to prepare something.

The prelims mock I was attempting brought me to tears.

My cramps are sucking the life out of me.

And here I'm sitting at my desk trying to focus on tectonic plates and volcanic eruptions.

Clutching the heating pad near my abdomen, I underline key points, trying to understand the formation of earth's crust.

I feel exhausted. Plus, I have too much to cover.

My muscles ache, my head throbs, and my stomach twists in hunger.

I glance at the clock. Time is slipping away, and I'm nowhere close to being productive.

The guilt creeps in, insidious and heavy, whispering that I'm falling behind.

Six months. Only six months are left for prelims. My brain feels weary.

There's still so much to cover and CSAT I haven't even started it. How will I do all of it?

I shift in my chair, the heating pad sliding slightly, and I press it back into place.

My fingers are cold despite the warmth radiating from the pad, and I feel a lump forming in my throat.

Why can't I just have one good day? Just one where everything doesn't feel so impossible? The frustration builds alongside the pain.

Ishika. You can't afford to waste even a single day. Study.

I pick up my pen again, trying to drown out the noise in my head by focusing on the task at hand. Volcanoes. Shield, composite, cinder cone. Magma composition.

A sudden ping from my laptop startles me. I glance at the screen, a new email.

My coaching institute. The test series I enrolled in. My checked copies have been sent back. My stomach churns as I click on the email and open the attachment.

The scores hit me like a slap. My heart sinks, and my breathing turns shallow. This can't be right.

I've poured hours, days, into preparing for GS Paper 3, especially economics.

I studied so hard, stayed up late memorizing concepts, revising case studies, and practicing answer writing.

I thought I'd done well this time. But the numbers staring back at me are cruelly low. Much lower than I'd expected.

Tears gather in my eyes, hot and stinging. I blink rapidly, trying to hold them back, but they spill over anyway, tracing warm, wet lines down my cheeks.

My chest tightens, and I feel like I can't take a full breath. It's like there's a weight sitting squarely on my ribs, crushing me from the inside.

I scroll through the remarks, "Include more data and facts." "Lacks depth in analysis." 
"Superficial understanding of key issues."

Superficial? I worked so hard. I know I did. I spent so much time on this paper because I've always felt behind in economics. I thought I'd made progress.

Can things turn anymore bad?

I lean back in my chair, staring at the screen through blurry eyes.

My mind races, negative thoughts creeping in.