To My Future Self (And The Boy I Used To Love)

2 - 2 - 2020

Friday, February 4th, 2020 

Dear future me,

     Alright, today was a bit scary . . . to put it softly.

Remember how I told you me and Minho have been talking more lately, you know, when I'm in bed and Minho is on his floor mat and the lights are off and he cant he see me blush-- I mean-- he can't see me . . . ?

     Well, yesterday was the same. We both got in bed, Minho turned the lamp off, and we had a few minutes worth of small talk about how baseball practice went on Wednesday and how Minho is getting new ballet slippers on Friday (because he doodled all over his other ones in permanent marker on accident). Eventually the conversation sizzled out and we both got comfortable enough to finally try and get some sleep.

Until . . . I decided to be stupid.

     I don't know what came over me, but I guess I woke up feeling bold because the minute I let my mind drift back to Minho and his stupid ballet slippers, I found myself turning back over and opening my big ass mouth without thinking.

"How do you do that?" I asked. I very stupidly asked.

Eventually Minho turned around too and just looked up at me quietly from the floor. I couldn't really see his face in the dark but I could tell he was doing that dumb blinky thing that he does when he's confused. 

"Do what?" he replied. He very stupidly replied. 

"How do you . . . do those things. . . ?" I asked again.

Again, silence. And again, I opened my dumb mouth.

"You know . . . Girly things . . ."

Now, I don't know what kind of ridiculous things we'll get ourselves into in the future, but, this is by far the aqwardest moment that I've ever experienced. I mean, the silence was so loud it almost hurt my ears.

     Soon, Minho opened his mouth, and honestly, I completely expected him to tell me off or throw some kind of snarky come back at me for how rude of a question that was (yeah I know, it was really douchey, I'd probably have slapped me if I were him).

     But instead, all he let was a small "Oh." and closed his mouth again. Yeah. I would have preferred a slap.

After that, I started to feel really bad, so of course, I kept talking. I turned back over and said . . . this, 

"Well, I mean- I'm just saying, you know, if I were you- if I had what you do, like- you know, the muscles and the legs and stuff- I'd- I'm just saying I wouldn't- I'd never, I- you . . . " 

Or something along those lines.

Eventually the silence came back, but this time all I could hear was my heart beat in my ears. Until, Minho started laughing. Or giggling- or whatever god awful noise was coming out if is mouth.

     I turned back over and lifted my self on the elbows so I could glare at him better but all I got in response was more of his small cackles. Eventually though, he calmed down and looked back up at me, resting his arms over his belly like my stuttering was really so funny it hurt his stomach (it hurt my stomach too, but mine was a barf kind of hurt).

"What are you saying Minnie-a?" he said.

     Oh, I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but Minho's been practicing his Korean a lot more, and ever since he's learned how to be "cute" with me (cute with proper grammar that is), he has NOT given it a rest. I mean, if we were any closer, I'm sure he'd be calling Jagi by now. Ugh.

     Anyway, pushing aside the name, I sat myself up a bit better and tried to collect my words without sounding as dumb as I already did.

"I'm just saying . . . If I were you, If I were as lucky as you . . . I'd be different." I said.

     Minho sat himself up too, resting his back against my night stand and puling his knees closer to his chest as he spoke.

"If you were lucky, you'd be different?" He asked.

"Yeah. I-if I were as . . . fortunate as you . . . I'd take advantage of it. You know?"

     This time, Minho looked down, almost examining himself in an attempt to understand the literal nonsense leaking out of my face.

"What do you mean fortunate?" He said.

"I- i mean . . . You- you have a lot of things. Things that most boys want, things that boys like me want. But, you act like you don't care about them."

     Minho looked down again, arching an eyebrow as he brought his eyes back up. I continued my rant,

"And, even the things you don't have, well it doesn't seam like you miss those either."

When I finished my sentence, Minho gave me a look that I have certainly never seen before.

". . . Am I supposed to want them?" He said, making my stomach turn harder.

"Well, . . . no. But- well. I guess I'm just curious." I said,"Why . . . why don't you want them . . . ?"

     As I asked the question I could feel Minhos expression soften, which made me feel a bit better as the conversation continued.

"It's not that don't want them." He said, "I just don't think of them like most people do."

"But. . . how? I mean- aren't you . . . aren't you embarrassed?" I asked.

"Why should I be embarrassed?" He shot right back.

This made me look down, shuffling my thumbs in between my palms as I answered.

"I don't know, I guess I've just, never met anyone like you before." I said.

     As I brought my attention back to Minho, he smiled at me. And as much as I hate admitting it, it made me feel . . . weird. Well his smile always makes me feel weird. But this, this was more loving, more caring. And I really don't know how I feel about that, especially from Minho.

Then he spoke again,

"That's okay." he said."I'm not too worried about being like anyone else."

As he finished his words, I couldn't help but notice again the way he smiled at me. Of course I didn't say anything, but if I did I would of told him to stop it and make faces at someone else.

Minho kept smiling,

"Plus, I like the way I am. Isn't that what matters?"

Finally, I looked down and adjusted myself further against the head board.

"Yeah . . . I guess it is."

     After that, the silence of the room the set back in and Minho got comfortable against the dresser too. I guess neither of us knew how to continue the conversation so we both just kind of sat in the quite. 

I was glad that Minho wasn't upset, but I still don't know how to feel about everything else. And I'd honestly just not think about it anymore.

Goodnight I guess, 

     - Kim Seungmin