tis the damn season

"Distance, timing"

The following day, the light of morning washed away some of the fog that clouded my mind. Last night with Rafe had been intense—both grounding and confusing. But as the sun filtered through the cracks in my blinds, I realized I needed a distraction, something to bring me back to myself.

I checked my phone. A text from Kiara lit up the screen:

Kie: Surf's up. Come hang with us. We're hitting the beach at noon. Bring snacks or we riot.

I smiled. Kiara always knew when I needed her, even without me saying a word. She and the Pogues had been my lifeline once—before Rafe, before everything got complicated. Maybe today, I could find that part of myself again.

I threw on a pair of denim shorts and a loose tank top, grabbed a bag of chips and sodas from the kitchen, and headed out. The beach was already bustling with life when I arrived, the sound of laughter and crashing waves mixing into a familiar melody.

"Jules!" Kiara's voice rang out, her grin wide as she jogged over, sand kicking up behind her. She pulled me into a tight hug, her sun-warmed skin pressing against mine. "You actually showed up. I thought you might flake."

"Not today," I said, hugging her back. "I needed this."

She gave me a knowing look but didn't push. "Come on. Everyone's down by the water."

We walked down to where John B, Pope, and JJ were lounging under a makeshift canopy. JJ was strumming a guitar, his usual carefree smirk firmly in place.

"Well, look who decided to rejoin the land of the living," JJ teased, setting the guitar aside.

"Don't start," I warned, laughing as I handed out the sodas.

"Don't mind him," Pope said, shooting JJ a playful glare. "We're just glad you're here."

I settled onto the blanket, the easy banter of the group washing over me like a balm. It was strange how quickly it felt like old times. The weight of the past few months—Rafe, the distance I'd put between myself and everyone else—faded into the background.

As the afternoon wore on, we surfed, played volleyball, and laughed until our sides hurt. Kiara stuck close to me, her presence comforting and steady.

Later, as the sun dipped lower in the sky, turning the ocean into a canvas of gold and pink, I found myself walking along the shore with Kiara.

"You've been quiet," she said, glancing at me. "And don't say it's nothing. I know you."

I sighed, kicking at the sand. "It's Rafe."

Kiara's expression darkened. "Is he bothering you again?"

"No, not like that," I said quickly. "He's... trying. He says he's clean, that he's different now."

"And you believe him?"

"I don't know," I admitted. "Part of me wants to. But I'm scared. What if I let him in again and he breaks me all over?"

Kiara stopped walking, turning to face me. "You're stronger than you think, Jules. But you don't have to figure this out alone. You've got us. You've got me."

Her words hit me harder than I expected. I hadn't realized how much I missed this—being part of something solid, something real.

"Thanks, Kie," I said, my voice thick.

She wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "Always. Now, let's get back before JJ does something stupid."

We laughed, the tension easing as we headed back to the group.

As we neared the canopy, I spotted Sarah Cameron standing at the edge of the gathering, watching us. For a moment, our eyes met, and something unspoken passed between us.

Sarah and I hadn't talked in months. She had distanced herself when things with Rafe spiraled out of control, and I hadn't blamed her. But now, there was a flicker of something else—regret, maybe? Or hope?

I took a deep breath and walked over to her. "Hey, Sarah."

She hesitated, then smiled tentatively. "Hey, Jules. Long time."

"Yeah," I said, shifting awkwardly. "I've missed this. I've missed... you."

Her eyes softened. "Me too. I wasn't sure if you wanted to talk to me after everything."

"I was scared you didn't want to talk to me," I admitted. "But maybe it's time we fix that."

She nodded slowly, her smile widening. "Yeah. Maybe it is."

For a few moments, neither of us spoke. We both stared out at the horizon, the weight of unspoken words settling between us.

Finally, Sarah broke the silence. "You know, I didn't stop being your friend because I wanted to."

I turned to her, surprised by the sudden vulnerability in her voice. "Then why did you?"

She sighed, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. "I didn't know how to handle it—Rafe, you, everything spiraling out of control. It was like watching a train wreck in slow motion. And I felt powerless. I didn't know how to help you, so I distanced myself. It was easier to walk away than to watch you get hurt."

Her words stung, but I could hear the pain behind them. I wrapped my arms around my knees, my voice quiet. "I thought you gave up on me."

Sarah's eyes filled with regret. "I never gave up on you. I was scared. Scared of what Rafe was doing to you, scared of what he was becoming." She paused, her gaze dropping to the sand. "And maybe scared of losing you."

I swallowed hard, my throat tight. "You didn't lose me, Sarah. But it felt like you did. And I get it... I didn't exactly make it easy to stick around."

She shook her head, her voice firm. "No, Jules. You were in love. You were trying to save him. That's not something to be ashamed of."

"I couldn't save him," I whispered, the memories of Rafe's darkest moments flashing in my mind. "And in the process, I almost lost myself."

Sarah reached for my hand, squeezing it gently. "But you didn't. You're still here. You're stronger than you think. And it's okay to love someone who's broken. It's just not okay to lose yourself trying to fix them."

Tears welled in my eyes, but I blinked them away. "It hurt so much, Sarah. Loving him. Letting him go. And now, he's back, saying he's changed, and I don't know if I can believe him."

She nodded, her expression thoughtful. "People can change, Jules. But they have to want it for themselves, not for someone else. You can't carry that weight for him."

"I don't know if I'm strong enough to risk it again," I admitted, my voice trembling.

Sarah leaned closer, her eyes earnest. "You're strong enough. But you don't have to do it alone. Whatever happens with Rafe, I'm here. The Pogues are here. We've got your back."

A tear slipped down my cheek, and this time, I didn't bother wiping it away. "I've missed you so much."

She pulled me into a tight hug, her arms warm and reassuring. "I've missed you too. And I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me most."

We stayed like that for a while, holding onto each other as if the weight of the past few months could finally be lifted. When we pulled back, I felt lighter, as if a piece of my heart that had been missing was finally back in place.

"Do you think we can go back to how things were?" I asked hesitantly.

Sarah smiled, her eyes shining. "Maybe not exactly. But maybe we can build something even better."

I nodded, my heart swelling with hope. "I'd like that."

"Me too."

As the fire crackled in the distance and the waves whispered their endless rhythm, I realized that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't as lost as I thought. I had my friends, my family of choice, and now, I had Sarah back.

For the first time in a long time, I felt a spark of hope. Maybe I wasn't just finding my way back to the Pogues. Maybe I was finding my way back to myself.