Unconditional Oceans (MegYoncé)

27

⚠️TW⚠️

Megan

I hate depression.

I hate feeling like life isn't worth living.

Especially when I have Beyoncé, Mason, and Jovanna.

But sometimes everything fucking hurts.

Therapy is helping but it's one of those days.

I miss my mama.

She was my best friend, my confidante, my cheerleader, and my guiding light.

I wish she was here to meet and spoil her grandkids.

It breaks my heart to know that they will never experience the incredible love and wisdom she had to offer.

But on the other hand, I wouldn't want her to know what Caresha did to me.

The thought of her knowing that I'm forever linked to a woman who took my body without my permission and kept my baby from me for 3 years.

For ten thousand measly dollars.

It would have shattered her heart into pieces.

The last thing I would have ever wanted to do was inflict that kind of pain on her.

I probably wouldn't have told her the truth, if I'm being totally honest.

I would have let her think I was a bigger fuck up than I was.

She was already disappointed in me coping with my dad's death and her diagnosis by drinking and having sex.

And she didn't want me hanging around with Caresha or JT because they were always into some shit and Miss Brownlee treated me like a freak of nature.

She literally called me that to my face when I was a 13 year old kid who had no control over how my body developed.

My mom probably would have died sooner if she knew she shared a grandchild with Katrina Brownlee.

Or if she knew I was somewhere I wasn't supposed to be, drunk out of my mind, and ended up drugged and raped by someone who was supposed to be my fucking friend.

I hate wishing it didn't happen because it feels like I'm wishing away my child.

I love him more than anything and I'm glad he exists but I wish he were conceived under better circumstances.

I don't know what those circumstances would have been because I would have never nutted in Caresha.

The 2 times I remember fucking her I wrapped it up and I still pulled out before I came.

But Mason is here now and I wish my mom could have met him and Jojo.

She would've loved them so much and I know they would have loved her.

I wish she was there to cuss me out for getting Beyoncé pregnant when we were basically strangers.

Even before I started having sex she was always preaching at me to wear a damn condom.

She would have probably beat my ass when she found out I didn't wrap it up that night.

I can imagine her pacing back and forth as she laid out all the reasons why I should have known better.

But I know that once she met Beyoncé, she would have fallen in love almost instantly.

She would have told me to hurry up and marry her.

I certainly want to.

If I'm being real, I would have proposed on our 1-day anniversary but Latto and Glo told me to relax.

And those knuckleheads were probably right.

I need to make sure that I am in a good place mentally before I take that step.

I wish I could show my mama the mature version of me.

I wish she could see me as a grown mother of two living happily with the love of my life.

I wish she could see me with my shit together.

It would mean the world to me to show her that I'm sober and I'm locked in with one woman.

I'm better.

But she can't see it.

She's fucking dead.

She left me here to figure shit out on my own.

She left a hole in me.

God sent Bey to be a source of light and I appreciate that but I want my fucking mom.

I feel like shit for laying in this bed crying right now because I have a family in the other room.

I want to be the partner and parent they deserve.

I don't want my shit to affect them.

Especially Mase.

He's been through so much.

I honestly feel guilty about everything concerning him.

I feel awful that he shares his DNA with Caresha.

I feel like shit that I didn't know he existed.

My maternal instincts should have led me to him sooner.

I missed so fucking much.

His birth.

His first steps.

His first 3 birthdays.

It breaks my heart to think about the pain my son had to endure at the hands of her hateful ass and the fact that I wasn't there to protect him.

Logically, I know it's not my fault because I didn't know but I still feel so fucking guilty.

I can't shake the feeling that I should have known about him somehow.

I see his bruises whenever I close my eyes.

I think about how terrified he was when I was putting on a belt.

I want to torture her like she tortured my baby.

I regret not taking her life when I had the chance.

Even though I know I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I had killed her.

I'm just so sad, angry and frustrated.

—

The way this is literally just me ranting because I miss my mama. Lmaoooo.
Anyway...

Thoughts/Feelings?

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