The Love Collection ~ Matt Healy x Jesse Rutherford

9

I was running in the wild. I couldn't find him! I kept screaming and running searching for my lost lover. "Jesse!" I screamed tripping over a tree root. When I turned my body to look up at him I saw it was a wolf. Once my head was pointed in the other direction his face burned the back of my mind. He stood there with a lifeless expression in his eyes and watched as the grey hound bent down to take the first bite...

I gasped as I woke up alone and with a shocking pain in my head. I guess my body felt the way my heart did; cold and empty. Even my subconscious missed him. I needed to get out of this apartment and do something with myself. It had been a week since I had last left. So, I decided to go out for coffee and when I returned to the hellhole of a living space I breathed in, I would clean it. I'm sure I will find something from my blackout period. I dressed up for a proper coffee date. Except, I was only going with myself so what was the use. I grabbed my keys but left my phone.

I made it to the bottom of the stairway without falling. I headed for the door without being stopped by one of the many neighbors collecting their mail. I made it past the crowd and out the door and started for my favorite shop. I stopped at the corner and waited before entering the small café. I gave the nice man my order and waited at the station with creamer and sugar packets. He came out with my drink and I responded with a thank you. I settled at a table near the corner and sat for a moment before burning my tongue off. Nearly, spitting out the flames of hell that entered my mouth, I swallowed it feeling my throat singe.

I laughed at myself. All the pains caused to myself were self-inflicted. Was I a masochist, did I enjoy pain? I thought about it for a moment and my eyes popped open. I took my cup and left nearly running down the street. I got up to my apartment in record time. As I unlocked the door I ran to my computer turning it on. As I waited for it to load I took another sip of the hell coffee and lit a cigarette. The smoke quickly filled the air and my computer was ready for typing.

Why did we cause ourselves so much pain? We tend to make things harder for ourselves by making them harder for other people. Why is it so hard to leave things the way they are?

I finished my column quickly and I saved it in the drafts section of my computer. Jesse was going to be back next week and I need to finish to five columns by the time he arrived. I groaned thinking about facing him again. Would I be able to do it? As I questioned myself I grabbed my phone to see the calls made to me while I was away or working furiously on the column. The number I had been dreading to see appeared on the screen. I refrained from tears as I held the phone to my ear.

"Hey Matty, it's Jesse, well you know it's me haha." He was drunk. "I just thought I'd leave you a message to let you know that I loved you. I thought you were the greatest thing to happen to me but, I was wrong. You broke my heart." I could hear the pain in his voice as he started to sound a bit raspy. "You had my in the palm of your hand and you crashed me!" he was crying now and so was I. "Was I just a number to you? Did I mean anything to you?" I would be able to answer both of those questions if given the chance. "Well, I'm coming back next week and I need five pieces of writing from you. Oh wait, I should fire you." I could feel the blood rush from my face. "But, I will not, we need you at XO. So, enjoy the rest of your time in New York. I loved you." The message ended and so did the beating of my heart for a moment.

I threw myself on the bed sobbing into the sheets. I needed him back! I needed him back. He would never except my apology and I broke his heart. I cheated myself and I hurt him. How was I ever going to forgive myself for this. I broke his heart!

I rolled over wiping my eyes and stared at the ceiling and laid there until the sun came up.

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The week pasted and I found myself at the door of Jesse's apartment with my five pieces of writing on a flash drive. I knocked on the door taking my last normal breath. Hearing a quick "hold on" I waited holding in the tears. He opened the door and his expression went hostile. He looked amazing, he cut his hair and he got a tan while he was gone. I was glad to see he looked well because I could not speak for myself.

"Yes?" he questioned. I couldn't say anything for a moment. "I brought over my pieces for you." I held up the flash drive and he took it from my fingertips, not touching my hand as he did it. We stood there for a moment in silence. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. "You have to forgive me Jesse" I found myself saying on the verge of tears. "You have to forgive me" I was crying now and swaying. "You have to forgive me, please" I held the same voice with a sadness driving me. he walked towards me slowly wrapping me in his arms and holding me close. I heard him whisper softly "I forgive you."

✗

AN: I have an ending and I'm so excited about it and it will be happy but not to sappy ya know? I love you all so much and hope you loves have a great day! 2 chapters left and I'm so ready! This was my longest chapter ever! Very exciting.

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