the best way to be ruined

something i've written

I wish I could tell you I would never hurt you. I wish I could say, 'hush now. I won't ever let you feel pain again'. My grandmother said that to deprive someone of hurt is to deprive that person of love. No matter how much I love you or how much we both love each other, at some point there will always be hate but that doesn't mean love will stop. I will always hurt you, this I promise. I will always be a pain in the ass. Sometimes, you will wake up at three am and stare at me warmly sleeping and wish you are not there. You will want to be alone, too. I understand. I want you to know that I'm glad you're still hurting because that would mean you still care. I can love and hurt you in different ways. You will try to get rid of me and we will both cry. It will always be like this. Love didn't promise you a happy ending so don't assume it to be that way. But love promises you that there will be no end, that there is happiness yet they can never go both ways. As much as I want to protect you all the time, I won't. I trust you to fight for you, too. I trust you to be brave. I hope you become the person you need others to be for you. I hope you look at the mirror and say there is love here and hate and pain and survival and doubt and everything humane. So baby, it's okay to be sad sometimes. It's okay to change your mind and change it back again. I won't ask you to apologize for disliking my favorite band. You can scream at me and leave your phone unattended. But don't run without me. Don't give up on us. Please don't go out tonight. Please, don't go out tonight. Warm my sheet with your body. Let's name the stars together and say our rants to the moon. Don't let me die tonight. Just stay with me. Just stay with me.