the best way to be ruined

things i find lonely and beautiful

July makes me want to fly. This is not surprising at all because who doesn't want to fly no matter your fear of heights? I think it's been days or weeks since I last felt loneliness. I've been surrounded with flowers and slow jazz music. Chamomile tea really heals. I like listening to the sound of space and galaxy on youtube. I've learned that every planet sounds different from each other. I don't ever want to be on Jupiter. It was like listening to troubled hearts gnashing their teeth. There's too much of that going on in this word. Neptune is my favorite! I can hear the wind stretching its arms like someone longing for an embrace. It sounds cold on Neptune. It sounds beautifully lonely up there and sometimes, I want to feel that way. Lonely, but beautiful still. Last night I saw the mason jar your mother has sent me. I don't have anything fancy to drink so I just put some water on it. I was on my laptop, drinking and suddenly the water seemed so sweet. I think it's your mother's love I'm tasting. I posted an apology on facebook tonight. I apologize for my absence, for the rotten messages on my inbox. My friends told me I'm a good listener. Yet most days, I'm tired of listening. Most days, I just don't have the right words to console their souls with. I told you about my dream, right? I want an attic or a special door on my roof so I can see the night sky without my mother panicking. She never wants to see me climbing things. But I've always loved the trees and the vastness, the thrill when I'm on top of it. I need flowers in my life. Lately I've been onpinterest just appreciating these creatures. It's so weird though that it's only during my twenties when I started noticing flowers. I grew up in my Mama's garden. But I guess it's like that sometimes. As you grow old you learn how to see and recognize real beauty. The kind which you know will die eventually. You're just glad you witnessed it in this lifetime. I notice I've been bad at saying i love you lately. I just keep on forgetting. I love you so much, so much it's not right for me to just say it anymore. But you stop noticing, right? Coz you feel it, too. You do feel it. For the record, let me just write it here. I love you.