the best way to be ruined

longing is a routine

I long for you all the fucking time. People say try a new hobby. Do things. Keep your mind preoccupied. Yet the busier I become, the more your thoughts crawl into my head uninvited. You didn't plan this. It has always been my fault. I see pictures of you and I want to be there to touch the walls you've leaned your back against, to trace every footprints and breathe the same air, even the same smoke. I think of you not when I'm lonely or sad but when I'm the happiest. When there's an imaginary confetti in the air, when my heart is overflowing with gratitude. I think of you because there is nothing I will not give up just to hear you say, 'there you go. you did it and i'm proud of you'. I think this is how it is to love. I don't just crave your presence when there's nobody, I crave you when there is everybody yet i still choose you. I still look for you. I miss you when you're not around and I miss you more when we're hand in hand. I miss you even when I'm on top of you and we're both screaming. I miss you when i'm asleep and in the morning, everything's on repeat.