Blood Money (1) | The Inheritance Games

XXXIX. breathe

"Music starts playing like the end of a sad movie, it's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see, cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down, now I don't know what to be without you around."

Noah.

I haven't been there for her. It's been 5 days. From my understanding, the camp officially ends tonight. When Maja and I got home we stayed with Grams so Dad wouldn't get suspicious, and she covered for us. We told Dad we were at church camp, and there wasn't really an excuse out there for leaving church camp early.

When Spencer returned from the hospital after all her check ups, she fell asleep, and the second her head hit the pillow I had to leave. I couldn't be there. I can't be around her.

I know I'm a shitty boyfriend, but before everything happened I had so much on my plate that I could barely function. My anxiety was through the roof with grades, soccer, my instruments, clubs, Spencer's eating disorder, my abuse, my assault, my anxiety. But now the added weight of Spencer's assault too. 

I've got secrets piling up by the minute and it doesn't feel right keeping it all from her. She deserves to know what's happening. She tells me everything. We agreed to be perfectly open with each other after she told me about her eating disorder. But I haven't kept to that. And it's all wrong.

My panic attacks aren't monthly like they always used to be. They became weekly a long time ago. For a while they were daily back before we left for camp. But now, since we got back only 5 days ago, I've had 9. It's not just the quantity that's gone up, they've got more aggressive and painful too.

Grams walked in on a few of them. She always helps me calm down, but it was particularly challenging this time. I can tell she's getting worried. She knows about my anxiety, but she doesn't have a clue about Dad's abuse or the assault. I think Maja told her what happened to Spencer, but other than that she doesn't have a clue what's causing this.

As my 10th attack of the week fades out, Grams cradles me in her arms, hushing me gently and stroking the hair off my forehead. "Archie, are you taking your meds?" She coos delicately. She always calls me by my middle name, because she chose it.

I hyperventilate, my full body trembling in her arms. My eyes are raw, my chest aching, tears soaking my cheeks.

"They don't work anymore." I admit, sobbing. I physically can't take any more pain. My heart feels like it's about to explode. I think I'm burning alive but nobody sees the flame.

"Bubs I think it's time to talk to someone." Grams whispers sadly. The emotion is clear in her voice and it just worsens the pain.

"I can't. I can't tell anyone." I choke out. "What's going on, Noah? What's hurting my boy?" Grams asks with a voice wet from tears. I don't produce words, just a pained cry. It's enough of an answer for Grams to pull me closer and plant a kiss atop my forehead. 

"I've got so much.. and- and now everything with Spence.. I- can't- take it." I force the words out between agonising hiccups.

"Shhh.. it's okay. Grams is here." She eases, rubbing circles over my heart to make it go away.

"I know you don't want to hear it, Noah.. but I think you need to end things with Spencer." Maja's voice speaks from the doorway. She's spent the past 5 days helping Spencer. At the hospital, her and Jameson had a huge fight and I think they broke up. But she still visits just to see Spencer, somehow feeling guilty like she's responsible. 

I furrow my brows angrily at her, "Shut up." 

I look to Grams, hoping for her to scold Maja, but she just frowns sympathetically, seeming to silently agreeing.