Everything I Want

Maya

I've gotten notes in my locker all week. Tuesday's said, 

"Maya. I heard you got left by your father. I bet he left because he saw how ugly you are! Seriously, do you ever change your hairstyle? And the awful color is the color of a hedgehog! You would look better bald!" I went home crying, and I ripped my hair out. I ripped it so much that I have a bald spot on the back of my head the size of a quarter. To hide it, I pull my hair up in a ponytail.

On Wednesday, the note said, "How stupid can you get?! All you do is eat. Eat eat eat. You're fat! I've never seen a girl as fat as you! Maya what a blob!" The tears pour down my face, and I stopped eating. When Riley invited me to dinner, I declined saying I didn't feel good. And when I didn't eat lunch the next day, Farkle asked me why. I brushed it off saying I had a tummy ache.

Thursday I got one that says, "I can't believe that Lucas is still dating you! You're just a basket case! A loser! He's dating you put of pity! After all, no one would ever go out with a brat like you!" I go home crying and dig my nails into my skin so hard I started bleeding. I leave bleeding marks all over my arms, and bite chunks out of my cheeks.

I haven't gotten one on Friday, and at the end of the day, I go to my locker. My hands shake with fear of what it will say today. Lucas comes up and interrogates me. I brush it off, putting on the best mask I possibly can. Lucky for me, he buys it and leaves. When I open my locker, another note falls out.

"How can you live with yourself?! If I were you, I would have killed myself a long time ago! No one like you deserves to live! People like you just don't belong in the world. Lucas would be better off without you. Your parents hate you, it's no wonder they're gone for two weeks! As for Riley, she's been your friend for so long that she doesn't know how to tell you she can't stand you! Farkle does whatever Riley does. He doesn't even like you! No one likes you!!! WHY WON'T YOU JUST RUNAWAY OR KILL YOURSELF ALREADY??!?!?!?!?!!!!"

I slam my locker door, and shove the note in my bag. Running home, I take the knife off the kitchen counter and make large deep gashes in my skin. I HATE MYSELF! Why can't I just die already?! I should have never Been born! I run to the  subway station and take the subway all the way to the pier. 

I think of the ones I love. Topanga, her sweet personality, always kind to me. Corey, always there for me, teaching me life lessons. Auggie, the sunshine in my darkest days. Farkle so quirky and helpful to me. Shawn, the best stepfather a girl could ask for. My mom, working so hard for me. Riley, my best friend who is like the sister I never had. Lucas. My love, my life, my world, my everything... Lucas I'm so sorry. I love you with all my heart, and I hope some day we can see each other again. In the next life. Until then, goodbye my love. I pitch myself over the ledge and let myself drown.