Finding Myself {A Flarke Fanfiction}

Chapter 19

Finn's POV
I watch as Clarke leaves, making sure to study her as much as I can before the door closes.
When Clarke told me she loved me, I couldn't say it back. I can't give in to myself. I'm a danger to her.
But then I thought about something: That was our last goodbye.
So I decided, this last time, that I had to give in to my temptation. I told her I love her, too. And then I hugged her. And then I kissed her.
That was the last time I will taste her lips. That was the last time her arms will surround me in a loving hug. That was the last time I will tell her I love her. That was our last goodbye. Before I end it all. My life...
I've become too much of a danger to her. By being alive I cause her pain every day. And I weighed out the options. But I decided that it will be best for her to end it all. To say goodbye. But now, I have to figure out how.
~~~~
Clarke's POV
I shakily walk out of Finn's prison cell, very concerned for him.
"How is he?" Lexa asks emotionlessly.
"He's... he's not doing well." I tell her. Silence. "Do you think that you can get someone to watch him? I'm worried he's going to hurt himself."
"It is not my problem if he hurts himself, Clarke, and you know that."
"Please?" I beg.
"As you wish." She walks into a tent and comes out with a warrior. "Watch over the boy."
"I will not waste my training to watch over a murderer."
"I gave you an order!" Lexa raises her voice.
"I shouldn't  have to babysit the murderer. He killed 18 of my people!" He snarls and walks off to Finn's cell.
"Thank you," I tell her. And we head off to Camp Jaha.
~~~~
Finn's POV
Everyone hates me.
I hate me.
No one trusts me.
I don't trust me.
There's no reason for me to live anymore.
Why am I still alive?
I shouldn't be alive.
I shouldn't be alive!!!
My thoughts are screaming over one another in my head, each one louder than the last. Suddenly my thoughts are interrupted by the sound of the door opening.
"Who are you?" I ask, as a grounder stands in my cell watching me.
"I was sent to watch over you," he snarls at me.
Clarke doesn't trust me, does she?
"I don't need a babysitter," I growl back. I don't need anyone to distract me from my thoughts. I need to think. I deserve torture. I deserve pain. I deserve death.
"I said the same thing to our commander, murderer."
Murderer. I'm just a murderer. Clarke hates me, she doesn't trust me. I don't trust me. Who would trust me? I ruin everything and everyone's lives. I should be dead. I'm going to die. I'm going to kill myself. It's best for everyone.
Wait... with this guard in here, how am I going to kill myself? I'm going to have to plan it. I have to do it. Now what's in here that I could use...?
The guard! He has all sorts of weapons. And very big ones. I think I could use one of those. I just have to somehow get it from him...
But I'm a murderer. I can't hold a weapon. What if I kill someone with it?
Well I will be killing someone. Myself. But at least it will stop me from killing anyone else.
I have 4 more days until Clarke comes back. So I'll do it two days from now. I'll distract the guard, I'll tell him that I need to sleep and he can take a break. And then I'll do it. It has to work. If it doesn't work, then I continue hurting Clarke.
And that can't happen.
~~~~
Clarke's POV
"Hey, Raven. How's it going with the acid fog?"
"I can't figure it out. I just... I don't know what it's made out of, and Bellamy can't get into where they keep it."
"Raven, we have t-"
"I can do it. I just need time."
"Every second we waste is another one of our people, dead." I say sharply.
"I am doing the best I can!" She yells at me. The tension is high.
"Just work. As fast as you can. And tell me when it's ready."
Lexa and I walk out.
"Clarke, you need to control yourself."
"Don't try and tell me what to do, Lexa."
"I know you are upset about Finn but taking it out on others is not going to make you feel any better."
Yes it is. I know it is. I approach the metal wall of the ark and kick it as hard as I can.
"Did that make you feel better?" Lexa asks condescendingly.
"No," I say softly, not wanting to admit that she was right.
"Clarke, I'm sure Finn will be fine." She says a little more gently this time.
And I believe her. The next day and a half go by just fine, and all of my focus is on the war. I let all thoughts of Finn slip to the back of my mind, because I think Lexa's right. Finn should be fine. Now is the time to think about war.
~~~~
Finn's POV
Clarke sits next to me in my cell. My heart is pounding. I can hear my heart. Clarke's beautiful sapphire eyes glow in the dim light of my cell at night.
"I'm sorry," Clarke tells me.
"No." I say coldly. What am I doing? "I'm sorry!" I shout as I jab a dagger I was holding in my hand into Clarke's neck and watch her die.
Then I laugh.
~~~~
I wake up with a start. The guard, as I can tell, is in the corner sleeping.
I killed her again.
Every night I have these dreams. Every single night. I know it's going to happen. People tell me that I wasn't in the right state of mind, it wasn't my fault, and they are right about the first part.
But it is my fault. And that can happen at any time. Because I hurt her. I always hurt her. I hurt them. I killed them.
"Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid!" I mutter under my breath as I punch myself in the face. I fall over and let the tears pour from my eyes and the blood pour from my nose.
Good thing the guard isn't watching.
Wait.
I can take a weapon right now without him noticing.
Very quietly, I struggle onto my feet for the first time in a while. It's hard, and it's painful, but I deserve that.
I sneak over to the guard and look at my choice of weapons. I want one that I can hide without it being too obvious, so I choose the small, sharp dagger. I'm sure this is strong enough to kill me.
Now all I have to do is wait until daytime, and figure out how to get this guy to leave. Then I can do it.
I can kill myself.
~~~~
Clarke's POV
"So I'm thinking we should go back to TonDC so that we can plan this out. We need to write it down somewhere or something... put it on a map?" I ask her.
"Yes, I presume we should make our way to TonDC. We should leave now, since it is a far walk and we didn't bring a horse."
Lexa and I get dressed and start our trek to TonDC.
~~~~
Two hours later
Finn's POV
Murderer.
M U R D E R.
It's funny how 6 letters can describe a person.
They can take away all meaning to a person's life.
It's funny how someone's life can change in a matter of seconds.
How someone can become a completely different person from one bad decision. One stupid mistake.
And how one second someone can be alive, and the next
dead.
That's a funny word too.
d e a d.
It's the word that should've described me a long time ago. And the word that will describe me in just a few minutes.
Right! I need to get the guard out of the room. But how...?
"Umm I need to use the bathroom." I awkwardly say.
"Then go." The grounder responds, with a hint of annoyance in his voice.
"Do you mind? I would like some privacy." I tell him, careful not to stutter.
He rolls his eyes and walks out of the room. Time for me to end it.
~~~~
Clarke's POV
We've finally reached TonDC, and Lexa and I walked into Lexa's room.
"Okay, so I think that if we start here, then there is a way we can open the gates from the outside. Raven's working on how to do that, but once we can, then we can get in. But we have to find a way to get our people out of there without killing everyone. There are children. People who helped us. We just need to figure out how to do this. Okay?"
"Fair enough," Lexa tells me, walking outside. I follow her, but stop when I see something. It was the man that Lexa sent to guard Finn's cell and make sure he's okay.
"Aren't you supposed to be watching Finn?" I asked him.
"He told me to leave. He said he had to use the bathroom." He simply states.
"You can't leave! Finn could be in trouble!" I exclaim.
"He can't do anything. All of my weapons are with me, and I discarded anything else in the room." I see him look down to make sure he has everything. But he stops. "My dagger is missing..."
Panic rushes through me as I think of what Finn could be doing to himself in that room alone.
"Finn!" I desperately scream as I take off to go find his prison cell.
~~~~
Finn's POV
So this is it. The end.
I think of everything I have done in my life. The good and the bad. I think of the time Raven did the spacewalk. When I took the blame and got locked in the skybox.
I think of when I murdered 18 innocent people, just like that. Just took the gun and ended their lives. And now I'm about to end mine.
But first, I think of Clarke. I think of her wavy blonde hair. I think of her stunning sapphire blue eyes that light up my world. I think of her laugh. I think about all of my memories with Clarke. When I gave her the nickname Princess. The first time I saw her laugh. The time I saw her smile. The night after Charlotte died... When Raven got down from earth. Her fading smile as she watched us kiss. When she was sick and falling, and I caught her. When she was ripped away from me in the grounder prison with Anya. When I saw her face again, and she ran up to me and hugged me as tight as she could. The time I told her I loved her, and she said I broke her heart.
I did that.
When I watched as the Dropship door closed, the love of my life standing inside of it.
I think about the time she found me, hand on the gun, finger on the trigger. She backed away slowly.
When she said "I don't even know who you are anymore."
When she saved me.
When she told me she loved me.
When she kissed me.
And last, I think about the countless times I've made her cry. And I know that I have to do this. For Clarke. It's the only way to make her happy again. I start to cry at the thought that I will never get to see my beautiful Clarke again.
"Goodbye Clarke," I whisper through the countless tears that are streaming down my face.
~~~~
Clarke's POV
"Finn!" I scream as I scramble for the door to his cell and pull the door open.
And when I do, my heart drops.
I'm too late. I let out a loud sob before crumpling to the floor at the sight in front of me.
Right in front of me is a lifeless finn, lying on the floor, blood leaking from him, knife in his hand.
~~~~
A/N: I'm sorry that took so long! I didn't really know how to write that one. What did you think? Leave your answer in the comments section! Love ya ;D
~Brie