Finding Myself {A Flarke Fanfiction}

Chapter 26

Finn's POV
"Where'd you get those clothes?" I ask Clarke as we walk back to Camp Jaha. I had noticed while she was sleeping that she was wearing something much different from when I last saw her, and to be honest, it made her look sexier than she did before (as if that were even possible).
"Oh, umm, I got them from Lexa before we went into battle with mount weather," she tells me. Something seems a little off with her. She's going a little faster than me, but I can still see her nervously picking at her nails. I pick up my pace a little until I reach her.
"You okay?" I ask, with a hint of worry in my voice. I place my hand on her wrist gently.
"I'm fine," she dismisses me, jerking my hand away from her and continuing to walk faster. She continues picking at her fingernails, keeping a steady fast pace to make sure I don't catch up to her.
"Clarke?" I ask, quite worried about her.
"What?!" She is clearly annoyed, but only in a defensive way. She stops and looks back at me, her fierce blue eyes like a knife into my heart.
I catch up to her and grab one of her hands, ignoring the steady flow of blood dripping from her now raw fingers. She tenses.
"It's going to be fine," I reassure her. She stops and looks at me, her hand still in mine. She squeezes it hard, which hurts a little, but I've suffered much worse. She stares intently into my eyes, but I don't remove my hand. I wait. And eventually, she breaks the stare and looks down at our hands, releasing the tension. I can feel her mood soften, and see the fear hidden in her eyes.
"How do you know?" She asks, her voice cracking as if she's about to cry. I release her hand, and think about this question.
"I don't," I tell her truthfully. A single tear breaks the surface of her eye, and I pull her into a gentle hug. "Listen, I know they have a lot more people than us, but we have better technology than them. We can blow them with bombs like last time. We can do this!" I give her an encouraging smile. But then I think of what I just said.
Last time.
The time where I watched the drop ship doors close, the love of my life inside of them. The panic and hurt all over her face when she was being forced to close the doors, leaving me behind. Maybe if I had been inside of those doors, everything would be different. Maybe I would have been in mount weather instead of in the village murdering innocent people.
Maybe I would still be the old Finn. The one who's not a murderer.
Clarke smiles wide and gives me another hug, and I hold her tight, dreading the moment I have to let go. I wish I could hold her this close every second of every day. I wish she would never leave my side. Because every time we leave each other, there is a risk the other will never come back. That the last time we saw them will be the last time we will ever see them again. And that scares me more than anything has before. The thought of losing Clarke.
"We should get going," Clarke says. "We're almost to camp."
I nod, and we head on our way.
~~~~
Clarke's POV
Finn and I approach the gates of Camp Jaha, and I stop. I don't want to go in. I fear that when I go in, people will crowd around me. Bring unneeded attention, and make me lead another war. I don't know if I can handle another war.
"You ready?" He asks.
"No," I admit. He swiftly grabs my hand and holds it in his. I look up at him, my blue eyes aligning with his brown ones, and he gives m a gentle nod and small smile. I quickly get on my toes and lean in towards him, surprising him with a quick kiss.
I prepare myself for what is coming, pushing all thought of emotion or fear to the back of my mind.
"Okay," I say with a nod, and Finn and I walk into the gates.
~~~~
When I get in, people begin to crowd around me. I try to let go of Finn's hand, but he holds it tight. In the middle of the crowd, I see my mom making her way towards me.
I expect her to yell at me or get angry at me, but instead, she hugs me. Finn lets go of my hand. The hug is long an uncomfortable, and I'm confused why she did it in the first place.
"I was so worried!" She tells me. I avoid eye contact.
"We need to prepare for battle," I tell her. "We have 3 more days including today, and we need all of the weapons and bombs we can get. We could make a minefield like we did last time," I explain. "We could-"
"That's already being done," she tells me. The crowd has now disappeared.
"Mom," I say, agreeing to talk about what happened. "You have to understand. The truce was going to break either way, and everyone knew that. There was no reason for us to be together anymore! I had to!" I start to get upset, and my tone changes. "They would've killed him."
"I understand," she tells me surprisingly. With that I walk off to go find Finn, and to go plan our first battle.
~~~~
Finn's POV
"I think that we should hold fire as long as we can. We have enough bullets for now, but it's always good to save them," Raven tells the group. At the moment, Raven, Bellamy, Monty, Jasper, Clarke and I are all sitting at a circular table in the main console of the ark discussing war. Abby and Kane are here too, mostly because they are the leaders and they have to approve.
"Yeah, that's a good idea. We could have a minefield like last time, and we could have a main bomb to set off after they are all in one area," Clarke says.
Bellamy shakes his head. "Then how do we know that it won't kill all of us, too?" He asks.
"Good point. We need to get everyone safe somewhere. Like we did with the drop ship. And we could make sure they don't get into camp," Clarke states.
I don't say a word throughout this. I didn't want to be here, because I know that I am the cause of the war. I'm the cause of everything bad that happens here. Nothing would be like this if it weren't for me. They would still be in a truce, and Clarke would be over me. And one thought keeps going through my mind: Why am I still alive? I have been so close to death so many times, and I even tried to take my own life. So why am I still here? I shouldn't be alive.
At this point I've been zoned out of their conversation for 5 minutes, and I can't help but dig my nails into my skin so hard that I bleed. The blood that slowly trickles down my arm makes its way onto my pants, as my hands are under the table. I look back up at the group, and they are still talking about war. Good. Then I turn my head to look at Clarke specifically, who was sitting right next to me. She was saying something about bombs, but mid sentence she noticed me staring at her, and I quickly looked down to avoid eye contact. This, of course, wasn't very smart, because she followed my eyes down to reveal my bleeding arm. She flashes a pitying look at me, and then finishes what she was saying.
"Do you mind if I step out for a minute?" She asks the group, and I tilt my head in confusion. I watch as she stands up to leave, but surprisingly, she grabs me by my bleeding arm, making sure that she covers the blood so no one notices, and drags me out the door.
~~~~
"What happened?" She asks me. I look at my feet.
"I-I don't know," I lie.
"I just thought you were doing better," she responds. She picks up my bleeding arm and examines it. "You need to stop doing this!" I nod, and she wipes off the blood with her jacket. It stings a little, but I let her. A single tear drops from my eye, and I'm not even sure for what reason. She carefully places my arm by my side and wipes the tear off with her sleeve.
"We have to go back now," she tells me, and starts to go in. I reluctantly trudge behind her, regretting it with every step I make. When we get in, we sit back down, and she grabs my hand from under the table so that no one else can see.
When I look at the table, I see that they now have a large pad of paper in the middle of it. It shows a well-drawn map of camp jaha, which I automatically know that Clarke drew, and their ideas for war. They placed a minefield just outside of our gates, and made sure that our gates would be full functioning and could definitely kill someone. There will be guards lined up along the gates with guns, ready to fight. There will also be hidden lookouts outside of the gates. Raven, Wick, and Monty will be managing all of the bombs and the minefield to make sure everything goes as planned, Bellamy and Jasper will be leading the group with the guns, Abby and Kane will be taking information from the lookouts, and Clarke will be managing it all. That makes me realize, I have no clue what I'm going to do. I tune back into their conversation, and once their done with their conversation I speak up.
"So what am I doing in this plan?" I ask. They give each other looks, and then Raven speaks up.
"You can be part of the gun group with Bellamy," she says.
Oh no.
I don't know if I can handle that. But when Clarke's hand gently squeezes mine, I nod, knowing that it's going to be okay. I look back down at the plan, and I see that we will be getting the lookouts back in my tunnels that are running underneath the ground, and once everyone is in the gates, they will blow the biggest bomb which should knock out almost every grounder there.
When I look back up, the meeting is ending, and everyone is getting up. I glance over at Clarke, who's hand is still grasping mine, and we stand up in unison. By the time we are both up, everyone else is gone.
"Were you listening to a word of that?" She asks me.
I shake my head shamefully.
"That's okay, I saw you reading the map," she says. I don't respond. "What's wrong?" She asks me. At this point I'm so upset that I turn around and throw up, reminding me of when I was in the prison. It seems like it's been months since then, even though it's only been days. Memory after memory comes shooting back at me, flooding my mind with sounds of torture and pain.
"No, no, no, no, no," I start to whisper as I back up away from the vomit, backing into the table and sliding to the floor. I can feel my face, which is red and burning hot. I clench my fists so hard that they turn red, too. The tear that I let fall from my eye seemingly evaporates from my steaming face. I look up from my clouded vision, and I see Clarke coming next to me. She unclenches my hand and lays it flat next to me, leaving the other hand alone. I hear her sigh. She puts her hand on my face, and I look up at her.
"Sorry," I tell her.
"Don't be sorry," she responds. I look down to see that I have vomit on my shirt, and I throw it to the side.
She starts to clean my vomit, but I stop her because I can do it on my own. She shouldn't have to do that.
"Thank you," I tell her. She nods. When I finish cleaning it, I step outside to hear Clarke talking to her mom. I'm not one to eavesdrop, but I couldn't help it today.
"He had another break down," Clarke says. She's talking about me.
"What do you mean by that?" Abby asks her. Clarke proceeds to tell Abby the gory details of what happened.
"What do I do?" Clarke asks. Why is she asking her mom about this?
"You just need to be there for him. Watch over him," she says. "There's not much you can do other than support him."
Clarke replies. "I don't know if I can do it. Watch over him and lead a war. I just..."
At that point I had heard enough, and I walked out of the room, shirtless. When Clarke tries to approach me, I dismiss her. This just confirmed my thoughts.
Clarke doesn't want to take care of me, and she certainly doesn't love me. All I do is hold her back. I hold everyone back! I can't do this again. I need to go somewhere private. But I'm not sure where to go, because I'm almost positive that I don't have a tent anymore. Reluctantly, I walk back into the hallway where Clarke and Abby are talking.
"D-do I have a tent?" I ask them nervously, interrupting their conversation. Abby glances at Clarke, as if she doesn't know the answer or just doesn't want to say.
"You can share mine," Clarke says. I shake my head.
"Never mind," I tell her. I don't want to make her do that.
"Come on!" She says, and she grabs me by the hand to lead me to her tent.
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A/N: Hey guys! So I actually wrote a normal sized chapter today :D Sorry for the late-ish update! Comment what you thought of the chapter, and I'll see you soon! Love ya ;)
~Brie