My Saving Grace

September 12, 2013

One month later

Alex's P.O.V.

I watched as the credits of yet another movie scroll up the screen. I looked down at Scott who had was finally asleep. He looked so peaceful and finally his brain had shut down.

I had been staying at their apartment for a couple days while PTX had a break. It wasn't a planned break though. They were supposed to be doing shows on and off all week but Scott had just been getting progressively worse.

He had been getting severe panic attacks for about a month now. He had never really bounded back to his normal self since the day I got the call in the middle of the night. He was just slowly shutting off. Shutting down. Dissipating into his own head.

He hadn't slept in days and when he did he woke from a nightmare and then would have a terrifying panic attack. He couldn't concentrate on anything. He was shutting everyone off, not speaking. Not singing. He had also completely lost his appetite. And his eyes, his eyes looked vacant! No emotion would surface. He wouldn't scream or cry or smile or laugh. He wasn't the Scott that I had fallen in love with.

I tried to get him to go to a doctor but he would refuse and then we would argue about it which would end in him shutting down or having a panic attack. I couldn't take seeing him like that. He seemed so vulnerable.

The time right now was 14:30. We were in Scott's bedroom, laying on his bed. He had his head in my lap, his hands clutching tightly onto my left hand, my right hand running through his hair. This calmed him down, relaxed him even.

I couldn't even tell what was going on in his head because he wouldn't tell me! I was scared and annoyed and worried and terrified and angry. Angry that such a thing was happening to the boy that had captured my heart.

I was almost scared to move incase I woke Scott up but I had to go to the bathroom. I carefully lifted Scott's head from my lap and placed it down on the bed. He moved a little in his sleep but didn't wake up.

I crept out of his bedroom, softly closing his door behind me. I walked across the empty sitting room to the bathroom. I locked the door behind me and walked to the sink. Resting my hands against the basin, I stared into the mirror.

The sight before me was battered and worn. My eyes were dark and clouded. My hair flopped to the side. And in the moment I didn't care about Scott, I cared about only myself and how I looked like a mess and how I felt like crap, all because of him.

No! It's not his fault! He cannot help it!

I shook my head and ran my hand over my face, breathing in deeply. The reason I'm still in this house with this boy that can't seem to be happy is because I love him. And I haven't told him that. I haven't told him I love him and maybe that's why he's sad. But every time I think of saying it I freeze up.

I shook my head yet again to clear my thoughts, opening the bathroom door back up and stepping into the sitting room. The sitting room which is no longer empty. Now Mitch is standing in the middle of the sitting room, looking lost, vacant.

He looked up, sensing my presence and gave a half hearted smile. He looked just as tired as I did. No wonder really he was up in the middle of night trying to talk to Scott while I got some sleep. We took turns at that, sort of like shifts, so he doesn't feel alone. The talking thing didn't really work. It was usually quite a one way conversation!

I walked forward so I was in front of him. His gaze lifted from the floor and to my eyes. Then he stepped forward and was in my arms. It felt good to hug someone. To hug someone who wasn't completely breaking down.

"I'm scared..." Mitch's voice cut through the silence like a knife. He stepped out of my arms and looked back at me. "I'm scared, Alex. He's never been like this before. He's never shut all of us out. He won't talk to me. He usually tells me everything and now he won't even talk to me. I want the old Scott back. The Scott that sung and smiled and laughed. I just want to go shopping and watch sponge bob and drink and talk. I just want to talk." Mitch's voice squeaked a little as he began to cry.

"Don't worry. We'll get him back! You've done it before. We can do it again!" I reassured him. He shook his head.

"I've never seen him so happy as with you! And now he's just closing off. He's shutting down. I can see it. He won't even cry about it or scream about his nightmares. He's just silent. Like he's lost the ability to talk. I miss him! I miss my best friend!" Mitch laughed a humourless laugh. "Look at me acting as though he's dead when he's not. He might as well be though."

"Mitch, no-"

"Have you seen his eyes lately?" Mitch now seemed to be in a trance. His eyes fixated on the blank TV screen behind me. "They're so blank. There is nothing there. They're grey. Dead. He's gone, Alex and I'm not sure I can get him back. I just want to take all of those voices and bad thoughts and whatever the hell is going on up there and put them in a trash can."

Mitch kicked the ground lightly and sighed. "I want to see him smile. Hear him sing. Watch him laugh. I want my best friend back!" Mitch's knees buckled and he fell to the ground, sobbing loudly.

I came to his side and wrapped my arms around him. He breathed heavily into my shirt. "You know I almost feel sorry for you. You didn't intend to walk into a world that seems to shatter at the smallest things. And now you love him and there's no going back. You would've been well gone by now if you didn't love him. Trust me, I would be out that door right now if I didn't love him because my heart and head can't take this."

I rocked him back and forth in my arms. "We'll get him back. I'll get him back if it's the last thing I do." I whispered as Mitch gave up and just sobbed.

I then heard a clattering sound. Mitch and I's heads both snapped up. Another clatter and a bang and then a strangled breath. "Mitch... Alex...." It was barely a whisper but I heard it.

Mitch and I both jumped up and ran towards his bedroom. I swung the door open and Mitch barged past me. My eyes fell on Scott who was sat against the end of the bed, his knees pulled up to his chest and his breathing ragged.

"Scott... It's okay, we're here." Mitch whispered as I knelt by his side. Scott looked between Mitch and I and shook his head trying to breath deeper.

"No... You're... You're not real!.... Mitch!.... Alex!... Help!.... You're not real!... I'm dreaming!!.... Alex!... Mitch!...." Scott was screaming. His head thrashing from side to side as he tried to 'wake' himself up.

"Scott... It's us. Mitch and Alex are here! It's three in the afternoon on Tuesday. You fell asleep while watching Pitch Perfect. You are now awake." I said, reaching up to place my hand on his shoulder.

He shook his head as his breathing became raged again. "Okay, you need to calm down. Breathe in with me okay?" I said. He nodded this time. "Breathe in.... Breathe out.... Breathe in... Breathe out." I began to run my hand through his hair again.

His breathing slowly became steady and he was breathing normally. I moved his limp body so that he was in between my legs, his back pressed against my chest. He didn't relax though, only stared straight ahead at where Mitch was sat.

"Are you okay?" I asked Mitch who looked terrified. He nodded and then I directed that question to Scott. He just nodded and became silent again.

I closed my eyes and buried my face in Scott's hair. I felt his body shaking in my arms. He was trembling. Terrified. I placed a gentle kiss on his head and watched as Mitch stood and walked over to sit back down next to me. He rested his head down on Scott's shoulder and breathed out. There we would stay until things got better.